I realize it's been a ridiculous amount of time since I last posted. I could blame it on the fact that I'm in the process of writing a book while also working three part-time jobs, or I could just call it what it is: avoidance.
Confession over. Now onto bigger and better things.
I've been feeling lately like I've been in a season of humiliation. Before I go much further, let me clear up what "humiliation" means. The dictionary definition is: "the act of humbling someone, being reduced to lowliness or submission," and it adds that "humility can be self-sought, but humiliation involves something [or someone] else."
Okay, so what does that mean? Though we often use it to mean "embarrassment" or, in my shameful case "things that are comical for me to see and laugh at," the word humiliation is more about being reduced to lowliness or being humbled. And, it involves either some other force or person in the process.
How has my life been in a season of humiliation lately? It's hit me the most in my jobs lately. My retail job is a complete waste of my Wheaton College degree—monetarily and academically. Every time I work, I'm acutely aware of that fact as I repeatedly have to convince customers that we are sold out of certain items and I'm not just making crap up. I've been substitute teaching, and while it's been fun to get to know some students a little bit, most of the time teachers don't have me teach much; they leave work for the students to do on their own. In those times, I'm just the necessary breathing body that's over 18 and officially has to be in the room with the kids. The teaching skills I honed over the past two years—all the hours of prepping, grading, and classroom development—are pretty wasted in that avenue. I think the only skills I'm actually putting to use right now are my volleyball skills since I'm assisting a club team.
So, it's been a season of "being reduced to lowliness" and definitely of submission. I'm not completely embarrassed or anything—I've accepted what's happening, but it is a little bit of a bummer to feel like a lot of my skills and abilities are completely wasted right now. Though from time to time I doubt and question whether my decision to move home and write a book was really from the Lord or just a big mistake, most of the time when I remember my goals, I'm affirmed in my purpose here. My submitting to what I think is His plan has brought me to this place of "humiliation" where I look around and think I probably won't be putting anything I'm doing this year on a resume so as not to lessen its effectiveness (unless I get published, that is).
I was struck the other day with the thought that it's probably fitting that I feel like I'm in a season of humiliation since it was definitely a season of humiliation for Christ. He didn't arrive triumphantly or gloriously resplendent; He was born in a stable and placed in a feeding trough for animals. THE KING OF KINGS, btw. Not that He was embarrassed, but rather, it was a season of humiliation because He was physically "reduced to lowliness and submission" by His own willingness but also because of the sins of the world.
In light of that, my "season of humiliation" seems pretty miniscule, and it's made me more okay with that. In church, our pastor has been teaching us why there's no need to fear. We've been looking at Luke 2:8 and following, and Pete preached on the verses of the Christmas story that we've all heard time and again. In verse 10 the angels tell the terrified shepherds, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people," and in verse 10, they clarify what that good news is: CHRIST. "Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is Christ, the Lord" (v. 11).
What a simple answer to our fears and doubts: do NOT fear, do NOT worry, do NOT be dismayed: Christ is here!
As we sang "O Holy Night," I was struck by a line that I've sung probably thousands of times but never thought too deeply about:
"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices."
Singing that made my eyes water. In this season, I miss Hawaii and the life I built there. I miss my students and my work as a teacher. I miss feeling stable, a solid routine each day, and knowing that I'm doing something purposeful. It hasn't been the most victorious feeling season, but that line in the carol is perfect.
He is my thrill of hope amidst a dark world in which I feel pretty weary at times (I realize that sounds dramatic—my life isn't bad and I'm blessed...I know that...but still, I get discouraged fairly easily). I rejoice in this season because without His coming down and being born, I would be stuck in my hopelessness and weariness.
What a reason to celebrate! Sitting in my room looking out at dead trees, winter-gray skies, and what just looks cold, I miss the tropical breeze, soothing ocean waves, and sunshine of Hawaii. But, I think the deadness of everything in Dallas makes me more aware of how great and what a "thrill of hope" He is compared to my circumstances.
So, rejoice because He is a thrill of hope in our mundane lives and oft-changing circumstances. He suffered a season of humiliation to give us that hope, and that is a greater gift than any I will receive this Christmas or any other.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
(P.S. As for not feeling super victorious lately, I heard back from a publisher the other day who is interested to know more, so praise the Lord for that! He clearly knew that I needed some affirmation in what I've been doing. Thanks for your past and continued prayers for my book!)
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
It's been a while...
(though that might have been obvious if you looked at the date of my last post)
Maybe you're wondering WHY it's been so long. I could give you a few reasons such as I've been teaching high school English, I've been living in Hawaii, the sun and sand bleached my brain, I've been working on some things, etc. All of those reasons are legitimate.
However, the real reason I've been radio-silent is that I haven't known where to go from my previous posts. At about the year-mark post-chemo, I felt like to continue blogging was a good idea, but since all of my previous posts had been about my lymphoma (I did, after all, start the blog for that purpose), when I was healthy and not a lot was new or out of the ordinary on the cancer-front, I simply didn't know what to write about.
To write about my everyday life seemed a little self-important and mundane (though it's been a great adventure for me), and to continue writing about my lymphoma when there wasn't much news about it seemed like I was either milking it or trying too hard to make it fit.
So, I simply stopped blogging. Though it seemed like at the time I was just postponing having to make a decision, ignoring it was clearly making a decision nonetheless. So, now it's August, it's been almost 15 months, and here I am.
There's so much I could write about--about two years' worth of adventures in Hawaii, my busy but wonderful summer, or my chaotic and somewhat depressing move back to my parents' house in Dallas. However, I'm going to keep this re-introduction to blogging short (for today, at least) and tell you that I'm working on writing a book.
That is why I left Hawaii, that is why I don't have a job, and that is why I'm in the mood to write. I've been writing every day for the past couple weeks, and when I arrived to Dallas on August 1st, I had a clear goal in mind: August 1 started "Writing Camp."
What, you may ask, is this potential book about? Well, if you had to guess, I think you'd get it. It's definitely not fiction. I always felt like a bit of a fraud trying to come up with something poetic, full of imagery, or creative and new in writing--as if I was trying to write well but knew there was nothing brilliant I could come up with.
No, it's not fiction. I'm writing about myself. In hopefully a more interesting way than that might sound. Really I'm writing about my experience going through cancer, and though I realize I'm no one famous and also that no two cancer experiences are the same, it's been on my heart for a while (like 2 years), and I figure it's time to buckle down, be obedient, and do it.
Thus, I'm writing. I'm at 40,000 words as of today. There's a great chance that absolutely nothing will come of this, and while that will definitely be disappointing, the only thing I feel passionate about right now is this book(other than returning to Hawaii to enjoy the calm of Lanikai and my ohana there). But that second passion of returning to Hawaii is probably helping fuel my writing--the sooner I finish, the sooner I send things out, the sooner I can figure out what--if anything--might come of this, and the sooner I can go back to Hawaii Nei. :)
If you'd like to inquire more about it, please do! I've got lots of free time when I'm not writing. :) If you'd like to pray for this endeavor, I'd love that, too. When I asked my teammate Brooke if she'd be okay with me using her name and some details about her, she replied, "Absolutely! I've never been in a book before!" to which I replied, "Well thanks...I've never written a book before!"
So, mahalo (thank you) for letting me start anew on this blog. To all who read the previous incarnation so faithfully, I have not forgotten you. In fact, I am probably writing about you. But, it's time for a new direction in this blog. Some things will be different than before (note the title: I still love Psalms, but I don't want to cheapen them by using verses just because I used to) and some things might still be the same (I do still stand on Christ daily as my solid Rock). A hui hou ('til we meet again)...Aloha!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Maybe you're wondering WHY it's been so long. I could give you a few reasons such as I've been teaching high school English, I've been living in Hawaii, the sun and sand bleached my brain, I've been working on some things, etc. All of those reasons are legitimate.
However, the real reason I've been radio-silent is that I haven't known where to go from my previous posts. At about the year-mark post-chemo, I felt like to continue blogging was a good idea, but since all of my previous posts had been about my lymphoma (I did, after all, start the blog for that purpose), when I was healthy and not a lot was new or out of the ordinary on the cancer-front, I simply didn't know what to write about.
To write about my everyday life seemed a little self-important and mundane (though it's been a great adventure for me), and to continue writing about my lymphoma when there wasn't much news about it seemed like I was either milking it or trying too hard to make it fit.
So, I simply stopped blogging. Though it seemed like at the time I was just postponing having to make a decision, ignoring it was clearly making a decision nonetheless. So, now it's August, it's been almost 15 months, and here I am.
There's so much I could write about--about two years' worth of adventures in Hawaii, my busy but wonderful summer, or my chaotic and somewhat depressing move back to my parents' house in Dallas. However, I'm going to keep this re-introduction to blogging short (for today, at least) and tell you that I'm working on writing a book.
That is why I left Hawaii, that is why I don't have a job, and that is why I'm in the mood to write. I've been writing every day for the past couple weeks, and when I arrived to Dallas on August 1st, I had a clear goal in mind: August 1 started "Writing Camp."
What, you may ask, is this potential book about? Well, if you had to guess, I think you'd get it. It's definitely not fiction. I always felt like a bit of a fraud trying to come up with something poetic, full of imagery, or creative and new in writing--as if I was trying to write well but knew there was nothing brilliant I could come up with.
No, it's not fiction. I'm writing about myself. In hopefully a more interesting way than that might sound. Really I'm writing about my experience going through cancer, and though I realize I'm no one famous and also that no two cancer experiences are the same, it's been on my heart for a while (like 2 years), and I figure it's time to buckle down, be obedient, and do it.
Thus, I'm writing. I'm at 40,000 words as of today. There's a great chance that absolutely nothing will come of this, and while that will definitely be disappointing, the only thing I feel passionate about right now is this book(other than returning to Hawaii to enjoy the calm of Lanikai and my ohana there). But that second passion of returning to Hawaii is probably helping fuel my writing--the sooner I finish, the sooner I send things out, the sooner I can figure out what--if anything--might come of this, and the sooner I can go back to Hawaii Nei. :)
If you'd like to inquire more about it, please do! I've got lots of free time when I'm not writing. :) If you'd like to pray for this endeavor, I'd love that, too. When I asked my teammate Brooke if she'd be okay with me using her name and some details about her, she replied, "Absolutely! I've never been in a book before!" to which I replied, "Well thanks...I've never written a book before!"
So, mahalo (thank you) for letting me start anew on this blog. To all who read the previous incarnation so faithfully, I have not forgotten you. In fact, I am probably writing about you. But, it's time for a new direction in this blog. Some things will be different than before (note the title: I still love Psalms, but I don't want to cheapen them by using verses just because I used to) and some things might still be the same (I do still stand on Christ daily as my solid Rock). A hui hou ('til we meet again)...Aloha!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
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