Thursday, November 26, 2009

"You turned my wailing into dancing...that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." -Psalm 30:11-12

Wow. One year ago on this date, it was the day before Thanksgiving, and I was shopping at Northpark Mall in Dallas, TX with my friend Caroline. I got a call from Dr. Santi back in Wheaton who explained that my biopsy from that Monday came back positive, meaning that I had cancer. As he proceeded to explain my diagnosis of Hodgkin's Lymphoma, I looked around for something to write on, but all I came up with was my shopping bag, so I wrote down all the information on that Nordstrom bag. WHAT A BIZARRE day! What a bizarre time and place to get such a diagnosis, and what a bizarre year that followed!

As I think back to last Thanksgiving, there were so many uncertainties. I was just reading over my very first blog from this day last year, and so much came back to me--needing to find a doctor, figuring out all the scheduling, all of the tests, what chemo even MEANT--so many uncertainties! Needless to say, this has been a November of reminiscing.

This week in school, we asked our freshmen to think about what they are thankful for. Easy, right? Maybe not always. I reminded them that 1 Thessalonians 5:18 teaches us to "give thanks in ALL circumstances." That's not always easy, especially in difficult circumstances where you focus on getting through it for the present time.

However, I think it absolutely makes a difference, and I pray that from now on, no matter if I'm in paradise or a hospital room, I would have a thankful heart.

And with that, I think it appropriate to share MANY of the things and people I am thankful for. First of all, there are more people and situations I can count, so know that I'm thankful for ALL of you. Secondly, when giving thanks to people and for things, it's a necessary reminder that ALL of our praise ultimately goes to God since ALL good things cone from Him. I firmly believe that.

Without further adieu, below is an inexhaustive list of all that I am thankful for on this Thanksgiving day and year anniversary of finding out my diagnosis:

I am thankful for: Doctors who knew what they were doing and who used their best judgment and answered our MANY questions. Who saw me and decided to even treat me. Who prayed for me and let me know I was in good Hands.

I am thankful for: Nurses who sat with me, making my experience so much easier and something to look forward to, who put in overtime just to work things out with my school schedule.

I am thankful for: All the friends and family who came to treatments, tests, and bone-marrow biopsies (SICK), often sitting through long hours of BORING, bearing with me when I was out of it, and making it through gross procedures.

I am thankful for: My Kampers who lifted me up, changing roles as THEY encouraged ME.

I am thankful for: My mom's kindergarteners who sent me drawings, Angel Christmas tree toppers, petis-fours, and all other great gifts. Who prayed for me, rejoiced with the passing of each treatment, and who made me feel so loved and also humbled by their childlike faith and trust.

I am thankful for: All of the TCA community who spread the word, prayed for me, made scrapbook pages for me, and emailed me encouraging messages of hope. For classmates that, despite time and distance apart, still let me know they were praying for me and would help if there was anything to do.

I am thankful for: Harrison, who, upon hearing of the diagnosis, said that if I had to shave my head, he would shave his, and two months later, let me shave his head. :)

I am thankful for: Brooke, who never ONCE complained about having to take on more than she agreed to when she signed up to assist me coaching club volleyball.

I am thankful for: Maggie and Hannah who both showed me incredible friendship in our last semester of college, letting me cry on their shoulders, continually encouraging me with their words and faith.

I am thankful for: ALL of my incredible teammates (Calla, Ruth, Leah, Mal, Annie, Stef, Kelli, Lisa, Megan, JaĆ­me, Emily, Abby, Ashley, Hannah, Brooke, Sarah, Kelly, Paige, Kaitlyn, and Jenna) who cried with me, laughed with me, and prayed with me. Who made it so much easier as we shaved my head (thanks to Mrs. Graham for that, too!), sat and watched movies with me, brought me Jamba Juice, and helped me kick cancer's ***. Who drove me around Wheaton, to Texas, through Texas, to Chick-Fil-A in Wisconsin for an exciting night out for me, and to my many treatments. Whose families all prayed for me and encouraged me, too. Who just loved me in all of their words and actions and were irreplaceable.

I am thankful for: the Armstrongs who acted as my "Wheaton family" and took me to almost every treatment, letting me stay at their house when I needed to crash, and treating me like one of their own daughters. Their model of Christ as lived out daily has taught me so many things and blessed me in great ways.

I am thankful for: My aunts who gave me the one thing to look forward to on chemo days by sending me and my family care packages of greatness, showing their love, creativity, and support that went above and beyond.

I am thankful for: My whole family--extended and beyond--who rallied for support, showing me HOW blessed I am to be a McGinnis and to be part of the Cunningham clan.

I am thankful for: My immediate family who walked through this journey every bit as much as I did. Who put everything on hold, missed work, sent me presents, cried many tears with me, paid all of my bills, let me stay in Chicago even though it killed them to have me a thousand miles away. Who showed me a great picture of the Father's love for His children.

To the Lord who is GOOD, and who has perfect plans for us, though we may not understand them. Who walks with us daily, bearing our burdens for us. Who not only sent His Son to die in our places, but who also heals our diseases, gives us daily grace, and calls is His own.

For all those that weren't covered in one of those categories, thank you. I know I didn't get everyone, and I could go on for MANY paragraphs if I didn't have to get to Thanksgiving dinner. Thanks for the emails, thoughts, prayers, encouragement, and support. Thanks for reading my blog and allowing me to process and try to sort through all of my thoughts, fears, lows, highs, and joys.

Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou from the bottom of my heart. You have ALL made me a more grateful and humble person by showing me just how incredible the body of Christ really is.

I pray that you are ALL blessed today.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,

Hannah

Friday, November 6, 2009

"He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." --Psalm 40:2b-3a

That verse is pretty poignant: in the last year, God definitely brought me through the fire, picked me out of the metaphorical pit, and placed me on solid ground, giving me a new song of praise to sing to Him!

I realize it has (once again) been a LONG while since I last updated, and I’m going to try to fix that bad habit in the future. BUT, I wanted to make sure and blog tonight since today is such a poignant day in the history of Hannah McGinnis. Why, you may ask?

One year ago on a beautiful Friday morning in Wheaton, IL, I went to the Wheaton College Health Center to get my flu shot. Once again, God’s timing was SUCH a blessing: I waited until Friday to get the flu shot because (lamely) I wanted to wait until volleyball season was over. In my mind, I’d just jumped back into the game with two weeks left of my season, and since my knee was still in killer pain, I didn’t want to add a sore arm from a flu shot into that mix. Again, what a BLESSING that, though lame that I didn’t want a little shot to interfere with my hitting (because really, what are the chances that would hinder me from wanting to hit the ball?!?), GOD’S timing in that was PERFECT because my waiting allowed me to close the chapter of playing volleyball before opening the next chapter (of which I was completely unaware when I woke up that Friday, November 7th).

Back to the Health Center. I walked in, went back for my routine flu shot (PTL for those, btw), and the nurse asked me first if I was sick or not because if I HAD the flu, the shot would’ve been pointless. I said that I wasn’t sick, but I threw out there that I had a couple swollen lymph nodes, so I didn’t know if that meant I was sick and just didn’t know it or if I was fixing to be sick. She said I was fine since that was clearly not the flu, and she proceeded to give me my flu shot. However, she did call in another nurse to check out the swollen bumps in my neck, and then they sent me into a smaller room to wait for a doctor. A doctor came in, checked them out, and then wrote me two prescriptions: one for a CT scan and one for an X-Ray, and she told me to go to Central DuPage Hospital’s ER to get them taken.

I have a very visual memory, and I remember PERFECTLY walking out of there and across the quad to SAGA (our cafeteria), but on the way I called my dad. To give some back-story, in April of that year, I was setting up the volleyball net before a spring season practice, and the peg that held the pole at the right height slipped out, causing the top half of the metal pole to come crashing down upon the bottom half, with my right hand caught in between. I yelled, called my teammate Emily over, and told her I probably wouldn’t be practicing that day (or the next month, as I would later find out). It took a gap out of the palm of my right hand—right where you hit a volleyball, and Emily later went back to the pole, took a piece of tape, and used it to get my skin from off of the pole (sickening). I had to go the ER to get stitches because apparently the hand is too complicated for general stitches, and when we got the bill later, my dad told me never to go to the ER again without consulting him first.

So naturally, on that Friday, I called my dad while standing outside of SAGA in Soderquist plaza, and I told him, “The Health Center just told me to go to the ER for a CT scan and X-Ray,” to which he replied, “What HAPPENED?!?” After I assured him that I had not let any equipment fall on any part of me, he said, “Wait, so WHY do they want you to go?” and I said, “Well, I have those two swollen lymph nodes on the side of my neck and they freaked out.” He concluded that, before paying obscene amounts in bills again, I should see another doctor first.

And thus began a crazy succession of doctor’s appointments, tests, and scans. November was CRAZY. The point of all of this? It’s been interesting going back over the past year as I come upon a year anniversary of many events. I think, for the first time, much of last year is actually starting to set in now. I think I wrote about this in my September blog, but while we were going through the whole past year, our mindset was to stay positive, trust the Lord, and push right through it, and that worked. It’s been after-the-fact that I’ve been trying to process, and that is not the easiest thing to do.

So, while it’s probably narcissistic of me to think that what I have to say is so important that I should have a blog still and that people should read about ME, and while it’s also probably unnecessary for you to walk back through all of last year with me, it’s something I need to do. Otherwise, I pretty much ignore trying to make sense of it. And, you know what? Sometimes we can’t make sense of things, and that’s okay. But, I don’t want to “lose” or forget anything that I learned, saw, or experienced last year because God did some INCREDIBLE things: in me, through my family and friends, and in teaching me and so many others about His sovereignty and faithfulness. That’s something I don’t want to lose sight of as I “move on.” (And “moving on” is such an arbitrary term since it’s not like cancer and I took a break and decided to go in a new direction or anything.)

Back to why I share about last year. WHO KNEW that, on that nice Friday morning, going to get my annual flu shot would have such a profound impact on the rest of my life?!? NOT ME. However, it’s so cool to think that, while I was bewildered at the Health Center’s freak-out, God has always known what my going to get that flu shot would unveil. I can’t even get my mind around it, and I’m probably just being repetitive now and not making sense, but to me, that is SO cool. It was such a commonplace thing, and yet, this day (among many others) will probably forever stand out in my mind because while I was completely unaware, God had been preparing me, my family and friends, and my schedule even for this all along. That leads me to conclude that I am SO GLAD God knows ahead of time! How many times have I been completely unaware of what was fixing to hit, and yet, He knew and was “ready” the whole time?!?

Such a common day that opened the door to such a bizarre yet BLESSED year. And now, here I am in Honolulu, writing all of this to you. It has truly been a year that I NEVER could have scripted—and that includes my move here.

As for Honolulu, things are going well. It was hard for me to pick up and move to the frozen tundra of Wheaton for college after having gone to TCA for 13 years. I was so ready to get out of TCA, but then I got to Wheaton, and I would be talking with friends, and all we could reminisce about was what had happened last month or a couple weeks ago. It was hard to have left the context where I had grown up and where friends from home and I could talk about that time so-and-so threw up in 2nd grade, or that time a teacher thought some friends were cheating in middle school, etc. While it was a hard adjustment to leave those I’d literally grown up with, Wheaton was SUCH an incredible blessing, and those friends will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Just as my transition to Wheaton after such a long time in the same place was hard, so this has been challenging in some ways. Don’t get me wrong: I love Hawaii. However, after such a monumental year that changed SO much about me—my perspective on most things, my concerns, my friends, etc.—it’s been hard to pick up and be here where no one walked through that profound year with me. Anything anyone knows about my bout with Hodgkin’s is from what I’ve told them; to them, it’s a story from my past that I can use anecdotally. For me, however, it’s SO current! It was just in May—not even 6 months ago—that I finished up treatment! My toenails are still half gone, my hair is still manly-ish, and I still loathe the smell of saline that wafts out of my medicine bottle each morning. It’s not just a story from my past to use anecdotally—it feels like such a big part of who I am, and while I’m thrilled to be finished with treatment and hope I never have to do chemo again, I’m a little afraid of letting it slip away. I know I touched on that in September, so sorry to bore you. But again, this is such a great way for me to process my subconscious thoughts. :)

Let me move on now to what I’ve been DOING. Last time, I told you that I was 3 weeks away from Fall Break. Fall Break was INCREDIBLE! Ahhhhh I’m so sad that it’s over, and it definitely made me miss my friends more. I was home for a couple days and got to spend some quality time with the fam, which was great. Then, I went to Wheaton for the first weekend because it was homecoming. I stayed in Chi-town with one of my best buds and teammates Mallory on Thursday night, October 8th, and we had a great time catching up and getting in quality time. We both have gained great perspective in the past couple years--and I think so much was put into perspective for me this last year--so it was cool to talk and see how we've grown. Anyway, we woke up and went next door to Northwestern Memorial Hospital where I had my blood counts taken and met with Sarah Miyata. Guess what?!? MY BLOOD COUNTS ARE ALL BACK TO NORMAL!!! PTL! That's such a blessing, especially with all this flu business going on. She said I still might feel a little tired and like I'm catching up, but having been out of exercise for so long, that's gonna happen anyway. And, I am proud to say that, despite having been a "has-been" for a year officially now, I have finally been able to work out as a non-athlete on a regular basis! That's an unfortunate transition, let me say: going from daily workouts with my best buds playing the game I love to being sedentary to having to go to the gym and work out with my music. Anyway...



The rest of the weekend, I got to spend some incredible time with my teammates back at Wheaton. ALL of the girls in my class and the class above me from my team were back, which is probably very rare, so that was such a blessing! There were 7 in my class at points, and there were 3 in the class above me, and we are all over the nation--literally--so it was the coolest thing that everyone made it back. We had brunch with my teammates who are still at Wheaton, so there were like 20 of us in a college apartment living room, and we had a great time. Saturday we went to the football game, and I was reminded of why the cold and I are not tight. It was in the upper 30s and the sun didn't come out for the game at all. But, don't worry, it came out literally 30 minutes after the game ended. Awesome. That night, 3 teammates and I went to the Taylor Swift concert in Chicago, so that was fun, too!




As much as I hate the cold, Chicago is really an awesome city! Additionally, I realized that I miss Fall! Again, I LOVE it here, but it's so weird that there are no seasons! I got to stay with the Armstrongs, and they had a "Smokefest" that I heartily enjoyed, so it was a stellar weekend on every front! The rest of my weekend was filled with meals catching up with people, and all of that made for an amazing trip back to Wheaton. I was absolutely reminded of the caliber and depth of relationships I was blessed with at Wheaton, and I left even more grateful for God having brought me there than before.

I went back home for around 5 days, and that was great, too. I love spending time with my family, and a few friends of mine and my cousin from Baylor all came home, so I got to see great people and have some more quality family bonding at home. I headed back to Honolulu mid-October, and we just finished our third week of this second quarter today. Two weeks from tonight, Madelyn and one of her friends will be arriving to hang out over Thanksgiving break, so I'm definitely looking forward to that!

As for things in Hawaii, they are good. I guess with school, I'd love prayers that God would use me and give me wisdom with knowing what to say and how to love each of these kids. As I mentioned before, there is such a need at HBA, and I think it's really set in that this really is a battle. My students are great, but that's not enough if they're not surrendering to Him, and that's a reality that adds some expediency to my teaching since I only have 6 more weeks with my juniors and seniors before I start over and get a new group next semester. As I've mentioned, time flies, so in spite of that, I want to make sure I'm pouring in while I can! The picture below is one my mom had to take of me on my first day of school...teacher-style. :)



Outside of school, things are going well--tomorrow I'm walking down to Waikiki, so I'm excited for that! I've been going to a good church in Kailua, which is a more residential area on the "windward side" (northeast area), and after church, I've been going to my favorite beach up there called Lanikai. The sand there literally feels like you are walking on flour! I love it--sometimes I grade papers there, and it's a great place and time to call friends and family and catch up. Below is Lanikai beach!



To wrap this up for the night, as I begin the process of walking back through last year and all the craziness that was my senior year of college, I have to thank all of you, once again, for your prayers, faithful friendship, and encouraging words to me and my family. God knew exactly what I needed, and He absolutely provided me with an INCREDIBLE body of support, reminding me that we are called to fellowship and bearing one another's burdens in Him! I pray that you, in turn, are so blessed and know his faithfulness as well. Thankyou thankyou thankyou from the bottom of my heart--there aren't words to express my gratitude at the support from people I barely even know! What a year...

I'll try to update more frequently these days, but know that you are so appreciated!

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,

Hannah