That said, I realized last night, while taking a sentimental journey down memory lane from my very first blog post until the most recent one, that it has definitely been FAR too long. Almost a month, two treatments, the END OF CHEMO, graduation, and another year in the life of yours truly have all passed since my last post. AND SO, because so much has happened, and WE have so much to celebrate (for all those who have partnered in prayer and support with us, you can celebrate, too!), I have decided to make this long-overdue post a photo-journey through my favorite month of May, starting with where I left off, after chemo number 11 (which was April 30th).
At chemo 11, the doctors and nurses were kinda freaking out about part of my white blood counts, which were apparently at 90 out of 10,000ish. Yes, that is clearly bad, but I finally pulled my nurse Michelle aside and said, "ok, I understand this is bad, but aren't we usually at like 100?" to which she replied in the affirmative. I followed up that question by pointing out that, although 90 is clearly bad, when you're at 90/10,000 versus 100/10,000, it really doesn't seem like those 10 extra points make that much of a difference, and she agreed, so that eased my mind as people continued to tell me HOW low my counts were. However, since I was flying home the next day for my high school co-captain Becky (Cunningham) Ellis's wedding, and since the Swine Flu was at it's peak "freak-out" stage at that point, the only way they were okay with me flying was, YES, if I wore a mask.
So, this first picture illustrates a couple things: first of all, it shows how GREAT my mother is. She didn't have to wear a mask but wore it so that I wouldn't feel awkward alone. Secondly, if you'll notice, we wrote on my mask "CHEMO, NOT SWINE FLU" so that people wouldn't move away from me like I was an infectious disease, and on my mom's mask, we wrote "I'm with chemo girl." :) Let me just tell you: these masks were hot, itchy, not conducive to having a coke on the airplane, and hopefully you will never have to wear one in public. I DID get sympathy from the flight attendants though, despite the mocking comment from some tool of a college kid who clapped as I walked by and said "you can never be too careful." My response to that was telling him "I had CANCER" in a tone that conveyed how I thought he was a moron. If I had thought of it, I wish I had just taken off my wig to startle him, but I thought of that after the fact.
I digress. The wedding that weekend was great, and Becky was so sweet and thanked me for coming home, encouraging me that she'd been looking forward to seeing me, and honestly, I really needed that. I wish I could say I didn't need people affirming me, but I definitely do. Especially towards the end of the overall treatment schedule--with chemos 9, 10, and 11--when the end was so close but it still seemed a ways off, it was just rough, so I really appreciated her telling me that, and it made going back to Wheaton while heading into finals and my bad days a bit easier.
Also to note of that weekend was that I had to give myself a shot after I flew home. It cost us $40, although the prescription label told us "your insurance saved you: $3,700" and we had heard that before insurance, sometimes it even was as much as $7,000. So, you can imagine the pressure that was on me to administer this, my first shot, without any glitches. :) Luckily, I got some tips from my friend Chrisey and her fiance Brett (who is diabetic) on giving myself the shot. Brett said to just go for it, so I did, and while I hope to not have to do that again, how often can I say I gave myself a $4,000 shot?!? The point of the shot (and why I'm telling you this) is that it was supposed to help boost my neutrophils (which are part of the white blood cells) by somehow creating new cells in my bone marrow. They warned me that it could cause "bone pain" in my legs because it basically makes the marrow go crazy and it tries to expand when there's nowhere for all the rapidly new forming cells to go, so they gave me some Hydrocodone (Vicodin) just in case. They thought it would hit on my day 5, so I figured that if I have to suffer through those days anyway, if I could take some Vicodin to ease bone pain and then also sleep through the bad days, that would be fine by me. HOWEVER, it did not hit on day 5. At first I was relieved and figured I wasn't gonna get that side effect of the Nuelasta shot. BUT NO, it still came. However, it was REALLY unfortunate because it ended up hitting me on day 7, which also happened to be Wednesday May 6th, the day before my ONLY final exam and the last exam I needed to take in college. When the bone pain hit, it hit in my lower back, a little in my chest, and then finally in the middle of my back, and let me tell you: I have NEVER been in that much pain in my life. EVER. And what was the WORST was that, though I had the Vicodin sitting there on my nightstand, the worst pain hit at like 10pm the night before my only final exam, and I knew if I took it I would be way too out of it to take that exam. I mean, the pain made me roll from side to side, and I eventually found a Dwight Schrute stress ball my teammate Brooke had given me during volleyball season, so I at least got to squeeze that as I was rolling around. I think I sounded like dying roadkill, too. That experience taught me a few things: first of all, Praise the LORD that I didn't have to get any kind of a bone marrow transplant. I cannot even imagine having to do that and I have literally the utmost respect for people who go through that. OUCHHHHHHHHH. I can't even think about that night or it hurts. The second thing I learned--or really was reminded of--was just to cling to the One who is sovereign, so I flipped open to the Psalms and had just read Psalm 102 "The prayer of an afflicted man" that morning, and I re-read it and just waited for the pain to stop. If ever in serious physical pain, I'd say Psalm 102 is the way to go. Anyway, PTL that the pain eventually subsided, I got to sleep, and I made it to my last final exam of my college career on Thursday morning.
From there, that weekend was crazy. My mom and Katie got in on Thursday, and they helped throw a brunch (with my aunts hosting it in absentia) for me to spend some time with the girls at Wheaton who have been such blessings to me. I was so touched by my Wheaton friends (more on that later), but to have so many girls show up and to get some time to just eat and relax and talk before graduation and leaving was such a blessing. My dad and Madelyn came in Friday night on May 8th, and we all went to downtown Chicago together for a little while on Saturday, which was fun to be there with all five of us for the first time. That night, my mom's parents came in, and we got to go to a Faculty Reception at Wheaton where my parents got to meet a couple of my profs and some friends' families, so that was cool just being able to thank them for their support as well. On Sunday May 10th, I GRADUATED FROM WHEATON COLLEGE!!!!
PRAISE THE LORD! There was a time when that was looking like it might not happen back when we got the diagnosis, so PTL, seriously! I want to have another post soon about all of the MANY praises, so I won't belabour the point now, but graduating with my class was such a praise!
My family flew out Monday morning around 6am to get back to their jobs and school, and the rest of the week I packed up the last four years of STUFF that has accumulated at Wheaton. On Thursday, May 14th, I had my 12th and FINAL chemo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PTL!!!
The picture above is of me and my WONDERFUL nurse Michelle Balla celebrating in our Cars party hats and with the noise-makers my Aunts sent in the final chemo-day care-package. Michelle was seriously SUCH a blessing to the whole process, and aside from getting a care-package on every day of chemo, the only other thing I looked forward to was seeing her, so I'm gonna miss her! Luckily, when I go back up for all of my scans, I should hopefully be able to stop in and see her. :)
On Friday, May 15th, I flew home to Fairview. When I got up to my orange bedroom, there were 2 vases of roses, 1 vase of lilies, 1 vase of tulips, 1 of gerber daisies, and 1 of regular daisies, all in ORANGE waiting for me and placed there by my mom to celebrate the end of Chemo! They are beautiful and make me so happy. :) On Saturday, my amazing teammate Emily flew in from LA and we hung out, and then on Sunday, we drove down to The Woodlands (Houston area) for our other teammate and my former roommate and legendary roadtrip-mate Stefanie's wedding. It was beautiful, and I'm so glad I was able to go, and it was another HUGE praise that I felt well for the wedding because it was on Sunday, which was day 4 in my final treatment cycle, and those days towards the last few treatments were really starting to get worse like days 5 and 6. So PTL for being able to go, seeing my teammates and some friends again and in a non-Wheaton setting, and for Emily. It was weird when Stef and Jeremy drove away and we were standing around talking, realizing that this was goodbye for most of these people, including my teammate Kelli who has been a great friend, former roommate, and an incredible support to me this semester. I don't like goodbyes, so not having to say them at graduation was nice, but it was sad knowing that, in most of these cases, we're heading off to different parts of the country and it could be a while before I see them again. On Monday, Em and I drove back to Dallas to get her on her flight back to LA, and then I came home and CRASHED (it was Day 5). I crashed again on Tuesday and Wednesday, and I am LOVING being somewhere with DVR where I don't have to watch commercials on days I'm not feeling well. :)
And that brings us to today...slash earlllyyyy this morning. As I mentioned, I was reading through all of my old posts, and today was a nostalgic day because it was my first Day 8 post-chemo 12, so hopefully today marks the first day where I feel more and more normal with every passing day. Also, it closed out the year for me, and it was weird reading back through and thinking about my half-birthday on November 21st, which was the day we found out I'd need a biopsy. I went to lunch with my best bud Sarah today and was telling her how, at that point, we had no clue that I had Hodgkins or HOW treatable it was, but all we knew was the word biopsy, which, in our minds, is synonymous with the possibility that this is SERIOUS and you might have cancer. So, while, once again, I am so blessed to have had the "best" kind of cancer I could have had, six months ago today, we weren't really sure what the next months would hold or if I was going to make it to my 22nd birthday. That sounds super-cheesy given the curability of my disease, but when you hear you need a biopsy and the word "cancer" pops into the realm of possibilities, it's pretty scary. Also significant in this day was just in reflecting with my parents that a year ago, when I turned 21, WHO would have guessed that I'd not only be diagnosed with cancer and go through chemo, but on top of that be CURED of cancer and FINISH chemo, all within the next 365 days (or less, technically, since it was all in about a 6 month period, but you get my point). So crazy what the last year has held. I can't say I'm sad to see 21 go, however, I have been SO blessed by people in this past year and have been moved more times than I can even HOPE to recount, that it has definitely made 21 a memorable year.
Ok, so, enough reminiscing. I have now caught you up to pace with where I've been the past month, and now for the next week or so: tomorrow I actually fly BACK to Wheaton because my teammate and another former roommate Megan is getting married in Wheaton on Saturday. Since I flew home a week ago, my car is still up there with all of my stuff in it, so after her wedding on Saturday, I'll get in my jam-packed Tahoe and drive home. Since I'm driving alone for the 15 hours, I'm gonna stop at Kanakuk K-West on the way, where it is currently Staff Training week, which will be both fun since I have some good friends back working there this summer and good since this is the first summer in 16 that I won't be at kamp. Sad. Anyway, so I'll stop at K-West on the drive home because it is a little over the halfway point of the drive, and I'll spend Sunday night, Monday, and Tuesday there, heading the rest of the way home for good on Wednesday. After that, I need to jump on some applications for stuff because I still don't have a job, and while I am a college graduate and that is something to be proud of, being a bum at home is not that fun. As for the schools in Hawaii, I heard back from my top choice, and we actually had a good conversation, but they filled the one open position for this year, so I'm not going there this year. While I was bummed, it actually was a good thing because they wanted me out there by late-July, and the doctor had just told me that he thought it would be a struggle for me to teach full-time until about the beginning of October since I'll still be getting my strength back. The principal said there might be another position there the next year, so the door may not be closed there permanently, but at least for right now it is, and that's at least good to know. So, thank you for your prayers that things would be clear--again, while it's not fun to not know what I'm doing nor get rejected, at the same time, my prayer was that it would be clear whether I should do that job in Hawaii or not, and I'm so thankful that it is clear! It would have been so much harder had I gotten the job, had my doctor told me he thought it would be a struggle, and then if I had to turn that down. I would still love prayers for wisdom and discernment to see what I SHOULD do this next year, though! I will be in Dallas, and that is all that I know right now. :)
Ok, last thing for tonight for now--this won't be the last post; I'll update as I go back twice in June for bloodwork/a doctor's visit and scans and even beyond that! But, for now, I need to sleep because I haven't thought about what I'm taking back to Wheaton for this wedding, and I'm exhausted. ANYWAY, I was reading in a study by Kay Arthur on the names and attributes of God, and it was talking about, once again, God's sovereignty--gotta LOVE it! It listed the example of Job and how, even in a situation where Satan works his destruction and pain, God is the one who brings up Job's name, saying "have you considered my servant Job?" The point is that, even when Satan and sin work, God is still sovereign. I don't fully understand the relationship of Satan to the world with how suffering works in conjunction with God's sovereignty and how God basically gives Satan permission to test Job; I can understand when people wonder why God just didn't give him permission, and then there wouldn't have been any suffering for Job. HOWEVER, I do know that, even in that situation and other hard situations, God is STILL sovereign. The follow up to that point was a passage that I really liked and which talks about Joseph and how God orchestrated even the crappier situations of his life to achieve His purpose.
This resonated with me because, in looking back (and forward, too, at the road that still lies ahead with getting my hair, strength, and stamina back and with all the future testing and follow-ups) on this lymphoma-journey, there have been those times when you wonder why God, who is definitely sovereign, uses the hard stuff in His plan and why He couldn't have gotten the same glory by testing us in easier ways. So, I liked what Kay writes about Joseph's situation because it's how I've felt at times in all of this--when I've just felt that I needed SOME kind of victory once in a while--and with the way the times are going right now, I'm sure many have been feeling:
"Do you remember how Joseph's brothers plotted his demise? Because of his
brothers' jealousy, Joseph was sold to be a slave in Egypt. There, in the house of
Potiphar, he was falsely accused and put in prison for two years. It was enough to
make any normal man bitter at God. Joseph had done what was right, had been
faithful to his God, and suffered because of it. He seemed the victim of the whims
and plots of men. And yet, during all this time Joseph did nothing to dishonor his
God. He knew the Most High stood in the shadows, ruling over all, watching and
waiting. Whether or not he understood, Joseph knew that God had a purpose in it
all..."
Kay points out that it's easier to be thankful "when you realize that your Father, El Elyon, God Most High, is in control and that nothing can happen in His universe without His permission...even when we are wronged by others, we can still give thanks." I haven't been sorely wronged by others in all of this, and I don't want to see myself as a victim, but I do know that there have been times in all of this when I've just felt so FRUSTRATED with having to deal with all of this, and yet, I still have known that God is sovereign--there's some funny combination of our limited understanding which KNOWS that He is in control and our human frailty which struggles to persevere and keep trusting that He's actually enacting that sovereign plan even in the harder or quieter times. I don't know why I really just LOVED reading that, but I did, and maybe it was because I like acknowledging my frustrations as I've been learning that being honest with the LORD is part of a relationship. So, hopefully that is a reminder to you, too, in these pretty discouraging days--that, even in the cases of Job and Joseph, when it seemed like the poor guys just couldn't get a break, God was working His plan and utilizing each and every action--even the wrong actions of Joseph's brothers--to achieve His sovereign plan and purpose in their lives and in the world.
Ok, it is bedtime. Lastly, I can't adequately thank you for your support. Even writing it on here is a cheap substitute for the gratitude I have to each and every single one of you who has prayed, offered an encouraging word, brought me Jamba Juice, encouraged my family, etc. Thank you again for taking the time to tell us your thoughts and to tell us how you've been praying--sometimes what probably seemed like the shortest e-mail to you was just another HUGE encouragement that people were praying and that we were not alone in this (though we NEVER are alone anyway, but you know what I mean). Thanks for blessing us. Stay tuned for future posts on all the ways God worked and on less-serious ruminations on things I learned along the way. :) I am so thankful for you.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
