WOW, it has BEEN a while! The last month has been a bit crazy--make that SERIOUSLY crazy. I'm fixing to go pick up my cousin Ali because we have to leave for our drive to San Diego, but since the next 2 weeks are gonna be psycho, I figured I should at least update as I can!
WHY, you may ask, are we driving to San Diego? Well of course, to get my car out there so it can make it on the ship over to HONOLULU!!!! Ok, so I told you a ton has happened in the last month. For those who have already heard, you can skip over the next section, but for those who are wondering what's this about Hawaii, below is what I e-mailed to my teammates and friends from home:
"Basically, I found out a couple days before my Wheaton graduation that I didn't get the Hawaii Baptist Academy teaching job I had applied for. So, my plans then moved to me being back in Dallas for this next year and then re-applying for the 2010-2011 school year and in the meantime applying to be the varsity volleyball assistant coach at my high school TCA.
However, this past Friday (June 12), HBA's principal called me and offered me a different job than the one I had applied for--she said it would be three high school speech classes, one freshman English class, and one middle school drama class. I had some reservations--first of all, I have never taken or been involved with ANY kind of drama class in my life, and while my dad joked that it couldn't be TOO hard (he said, "Don't you pretty much just say, 'Go! Act!' "), that made me a little wary. Also, I didn't want to go back on a spoken commitment I had made to the varsity coach at TCA, but we talked on Monday (June 15) and she was so supportive and gave me her blessing--which I so needed and am so thankful for Karen because of her sincerity! I was also a bit nervous when actually faced with the reality of picking up and moving halfway across the ocean to Honolulu in a month (Inservice starts July 27th), but I had a good amount of encouragement from family and friends, lots of prayer, and the advice of my parents and friends their age who lamented that they wished they'd done something adventurous like teach in Hawaii. I also realized that if I don't do this now, I probably never will, so, Monday night (June 15), I accepted the offer. What's more, the principal e-mailed me yesterday (June 16) saying that they had successfully switched some classes around, so, it looks like now I'm teaching 3 speech classes and 2 sophomore English classes this year (no more Drama!!!)!!!
I'm so excited--what a huge praise and such a blessing after a difficult year! While I have definitely learned the power of prayer in this past year, when I had prayed for certain things (like stuff during volleyball season, to not have cancer (back when we were figuring out the diagnosis), to not lose my hair, and to teach in Hawaii)--all prayers that, in my mind, God had said "no" to, I think I had become a little cynical about Him actually saying "yes." This has been another humbling moment to show that, despite my resignation that if I prayed it, He would probably answer "no" anyway and give me His plan (which I KNOW is a great plan; it's just not mine...), He is not out to get us nor does He wait to squash our dreams. Maybe you already know that, but I am still learning that today.
Anyway, the past few days have been frantic with apartment-hunting, trying to figure out how to ship a car, learning about getting a Hawaii license, etc., but I'm SO very excited! As I mentioned, Inservice starts July 27th, and my family actually was already heading out to Maui for family vacation on the 18th of July anyway, so my mom and I might just head out a few days earlier than that now to move things in and finalize some details. Thank you ALL for your prayers, recommendations, and encouragement for this as I've been trying to make hard decisions and figure out this next year! Thank you also for your prayers for me this past year--they were all PRICELESS in a difficult time, and I am so thankful for each of you and how you've each blessed my life. If anyone comes to Hawaii this year...it's not that big of a place, so you better let me know!"
Yeah. PRAISE THE LORD!!! I have a job, and it happens to be in Honolulu!!! Also, since I sent that e-mail, we rebooked our tickets, so my mom and I are flying out to Honolulu on July 15th to move into the apartment we found (PTL!). We're gonna do some massive moving in and furniture hunting at Sam's and Goodwill probably, and we'll be unpacking. I've already shipped 3 boxes to a friend from Wheaton named Jenny whose family lives on Oahu and is staying with them before she starts nursing school in the fall, so that has been a huge blessing, too! And, as I mentioned in the opening of this post, my cousin Ali and I are about to start the 21 hour drive to San Diego so that they can ship my car over to Honolulu by July 17th.
I still have some packing to do, and I also have to clean out EVERYTHING in my car before we leave--literally, I can't even have a cd in the cd player. BUT, you also should know that I've been back to Chicago twice in June--the first time for just a checkup with Dr. Gordon--they took my blood counts, and they are up from the 90-150 range and now into the 1000-1200 range!! PTL! Also, I was just back in Chicago and Wheaton this past weekend for my teammate Ruth's wedding--which was beautiful, by the way!--and I had CT and PET scans done. Dr. Gordon called me at Ruth and James's rehearsal dinner to let me know that everything came back clear, so I am still in remission! What a praise! As much fun as going through chemo and all was (sarcasm), it would be such a bummer to find out it hadn't worked, so again, I need to count my blessings and not forget that! Also, many are curious to know, so I'll update on my hair: it's growing back in--slowly but surely--and in some places on my head it's between 1-2 inches probably. Still too short for my liking, but it's coming. Also, my eyebrows are coming back--kinda all over the place, but still...--and my eyelashes are coming in, too. Yesterday I was putting on mascara, and it took about half the time that it has been when I've tried to find any lashes to even put it on, and I was just amazed at how quickly my bottom lashes have reappeared, which made me so thankful for eyelashes--CRAZY and seems like such a menial thing to be thankful for. BUT, I never would have been thankful for them until I finally lost them and started to get them back. I'm sure there's some kind of metaphor I could relate all of this to, but the image that keeps coming back in my mind is that of flowers after the rain. Why? I'm not sure. BUT, to follow that image, in my mind it's as if there's been a really big storm...or I guess a drought could work, too...I'm no horticulturist...but anyway, and after this storm, despite the damage, things DO begin to grow back once again and do what they're supposed to. As much as the chemo killed so many cells, the good stuff will begin to grow again, and that just reminds me that God is so faithful to restore what has been broken as He is the giver of life. He makes all things new!
Anyway, I'm out of time for now, so I'm sure I've left a ton of holes in this narrative, but I'll try and be better with updating--even if I have to do a few quick updates this month. Lastly, I would LOVE prayer for my sweet cousin Natalie Nelson. This morning, she had surgery because she had a cyst on her ovaries the size of a grapefruit--which is HUGE, btw. So, I'm not sure how it went yet, but if you'd pray that everything is successful and she is healed completely, as well as lifting up Natalie and her family and asking for peace for all of them, that would be great. For me, I'd love prayer for safety as Ali and I traverse the southwest U.S., and I would also love prayer to use my time well as I'm down to 13 days till the move and only 7 of them at home. I'm a little stressed, and I hate that in the midst of CRAZY, I let other things slide like my walk with the Lord and my relationships.
Lastly, in reference to this post's title, I've found that, even if I've not necessarily had an "aha!" moment with the Lord for that day, sharing my story still has been so humbling. It's definitely been a reminder to me that this whole situation was not just in my life for those 12 chemo treatments over the past 7 months; this is something that God can TOTALLY use in the future as I tell my story...not trying to exploit it or anything, but realizing that God's faithfulness absolutely shines through my experience with cancer, and this is an opportunity to show others that. "Let me live that I may praise You."
Thanks again for EVERYTHING. Thanks for checking in with me even now and for all of your continued commitments to praying for me and my family. Y'all have blessed me (and my family, too) beyond belief. Have a great day, and enjoy this amazing summer!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
"Sing to the LORD a new song, for He has done marvelous things; His right hand and His holy arm have worked salvation for Him" --Psalm 98:1
PRAISE THE LORD I AM DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That said, I realized last night, while taking a sentimental journey down memory lane from my very first blog post until the most recent one, that it has definitely been FAR too long. Almost a month, two treatments, the END OF CHEMO, graduation, and another year in the life of yours truly have all passed since my last post. AND SO, because so much has happened, and WE have so much to celebrate (for all those who have partnered in prayer and support with us, you can celebrate, too!), I have decided to make this long-overdue post a photo-journey through my favorite month of May, starting with where I left off, after chemo number 11 (which was April 30th).
At chemo 11, the doctors and nurses were kinda freaking out about part of my white blood counts, which were apparently at 90 out of 10,000ish. Yes, that is clearly bad, but I finally pulled my nurse Michelle aside and said, "ok, I understand this is bad, but aren't we usually at like 100?" to which she replied in the affirmative. I followed up that question by pointing out that, although 90 is clearly bad, when you're at 90/10,000 versus 100/10,000, it really doesn't seem like those 10 extra points make that much of a difference, and she agreed, so that eased my mind as people continued to tell me HOW low my counts were. However, since I was flying home the next day for my high school co-captain Becky (Cunningham) Ellis's wedding, and since the Swine Flu was at it's peak "freak-out" stage at that point, the only way they were okay with me flying was, YES, if I wore a mask.
So, this first picture illustrates a couple things: first of all, it shows how GREAT my mother is. She didn't have to wear a mask but wore it so that I wouldn't feel awkward alone. Secondly, if you'll notice, we wrote on my mask "CHEMO, NOT SWINE FLU" so that people wouldn't move away from me like I was an infectious disease, and on my mom's mask, we wrote "I'm with chemo girl." :) Let me just tell you: these masks were hot, itchy, not conducive to having a coke on the airplane, and hopefully you will never have to wear one in public. I DID get sympathy from the flight attendants though, despite the mocking comment from some tool of a college kid who clapped as I walked by and said "you can never be too careful." My response to that was telling him "I had CANCER" in a tone that conveyed how I thought he was a moron. If I had thought of it, I wish I had just taken off my wig to startle him, but I thought of that after the fact.
I digress. The wedding that weekend was great, and Becky was so sweet and thanked me for coming home, encouraging me that she'd been looking forward to seeing me, and honestly, I really needed that. I wish I could say I didn't need people affirming me, but I definitely do. Especially towards the end of the overall treatment schedule--with chemos 9, 10, and 11--when the end was so close but it still seemed a ways off, it was just rough, so I really appreciated her telling me that, and it made going back to Wheaton while heading into finals and my bad days a bit easier.
Also to note of that weekend was that I had to give myself a shot after I flew home. It cost us $40, although the prescription label told us "your insurance saved you: $3,700" and we had heard that before insurance, sometimes it even was as much as $7,000. So, you can imagine the pressure that was on me to administer this, my first shot, without any glitches. :) Luckily, I got some tips from my friend Chrisey and her fiance Brett (who is diabetic) on giving myself the shot. Brett said to just go for it, so I did, and while I hope to not have to do that again, how often can I say I gave myself a $4,000 shot?!? The point of the shot (and why I'm telling you this) is that it was supposed to help boost my neutrophils (which are part of the white blood cells) by somehow creating new cells in my bone marrow. They warned me that it could cause "bone pain" in my legs because it basically makes the marrow go crazy and it tries to expand when there's nowhere for all the rapidly new forming cells to go, so they gave me some Hydrocodone (Vicodin) just in case. They thought it would hit on my day 5, so I figured that if I have to suffer through those days anyway, if I could take some Vicodin to ease bone pain and then also sleep through the bad days, that would be fine by me. HOWEVER, it did not hit on day 5. At first I was relieved and figured I wasn't gonna get that side effect of the Nuelasta shot. BUT NO, it still came. However, it was REALLY unfortunate because it ended up hitting me on day 7, which also happened to be Wednesday May 6th, the day before my ONLY final exam and the last exam I needed to take in college. When the bone pain hit, it hit in my lower back, a little in my chest, and then finally in the middle of my back, and let me tell you: I have NEVER been in that much pain in my life. EVER. And what was the WORST was that, though I had the Vicodin sitting there on my nightstand, the worst pain hit at like 10pm the night before my only final exam, and I knew if I took it I would be way too out of it to take that exam. I mean, the pain made me roll from side to side, and I eventually found a Dwight Schrute stress ball my teammate Brooke had given me during volleyball season, so I at least got to squeeze that as I was rolling around. I think I sounded like dying roadkill, too. That experience taught me a few things: first of all, Praise the LORD that I didn't have to get any kind of a bone marrow transplant. I cannot even imagine having to do that and I have literally the utmost respect for people who go through that. OUCHHHHHHHHH. I can't even think about that night or it hurts. The second thing I learned--or really was reminded of--was just to cling to the One who is sovereign, so I flipped open to the Psalms and had just read Psalm 102 "The prayer of an afflicted man" that morning, and I re-read it and just waited for the pain to stop. If ever in serious physical pain, I'd say Psalm 102 is the way to go. Anyway, PTL that the pain eventually subsided, I got to sleep, and I made it to my last final exam of my college career on Thursday morning.
From there, that weekend was crazy. My mom and Katie got in on Thursday, and they helped throw a brunch (with my aunts hosting it in absentia) for me to spend some time with the girls at Wheaton who have been such blessings to me. I was so touched by my Wheaton friends (more on that later), but to have so many girls show up and to get some time to just eat and relax and talk before graduation and leaving was such a blessing. My dad and Madelyn came in Friday night on May 8th, and we all went to downtown Chicago together for a little while on Saturday, which was fun to be there with all five of us for the first time. That night, my mom's parents came in, and we got to go to a Faculty Reception at Wheaton where my parents got to meet a couple of my profs and some friends' families, so that was cool just being able to thank them for their support as well. On Sunday May 10th, I GRADUATED FROM WHEATON COLLEGE!!!!
PRAISE THE LORD! There was a time when that was looking like it might not happen back when we got the diagnosis, so PTL, seriously! I want to have another post soon about all of the MANY praises, so I won't belabour the point now, but graduating with my class was such a praise!
My family flew out Monday morning around 6am to get back to their jobs and school, and the rest of the week I packed up the last four years of STUFF that has accumulated at Wheaton. On Thursday, May 14th, I had my 12th and FINAL chemo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PTL!!!
The picture above is of me and my WONDERFUL nurse Michelle Balla celebrating in our Cars party hats and with the noise-makers my Aunts sent in the final chemo-day care-package. Michelle was seriously SUCH a blessing to the whole process, and aside from getting a care-package on every day of chemo, the only other thing I looked forward to was seeing her, so I'm gonna miss her! Luckily, when I go back up for all of my scans, I should hopefully be able to stop in and see her. :)
On Friday, May 15th, I flew home to Fairview. When I got up to my orange bedroom, there were 2 vases of roses, 1 vase of lilies, 1 vase of tulips, 1 of gerber daisies, and 1 of regular daisies, all in ORANGE waiting for me and placed there by my mom to celebrate the end of Chemo! They are beautiful and make me so happy. :) On Saturday, my amazing teammate Emily flew in from LA and we hung out, and then on Sunday, we drove down to The Woodlands (Houston area) for our other teammate and my former roommate and legendary roadtrip-mate Stefanie's wedding. It was beautiful, and I'm so glad I was able to go, and it was another HUGE praise that I felt well for the wedding because it was on Sunday, which was day 4 in my final treatment cycle, and those days towards the last few treatments were really starting to get worse like days 5 and 6. So PTL for being able to go, seeing my teammates and some friends again and in a non-Wheaton setting, and for Emily. It was weird when Stef and Jeremy drove away and we were standing around talking, realizing that this was goodbye for most of these people, including my teammate Kelli who has been a great friend, former roommate, and an incredible support to me this semester. I don't like goodbyes, so not having to say them at graduation was nice, but it was sad knowing that, in most of these cases, we're heading off to different parts of the country and it could be a while before I see them again. On Monday, Em and I drove back to Dallas to get her on her flight back to LA, and then I came home and CRASHED (it was Day 5). I crashed again on Tuesday and Wednesday, and I am LOVING being somewhere with DVR where I don't have to watch commercials on days I'm not feeling well. :)
And that brings us to today...slash earlllyyyy this morning. As I mentioned, I was reading through all of my old posts, and today was a nostalgic day because it was my first Day 8 post-chemo 12, so hopefully today marks the first day where I feel more and more normal with every passing day. Also, it closed out the year for me, and it was weird reading back through and thinking about my half-birthday on November 21st, which was the day we found out I'd need a biopsy. I went to lunch with my best bud Sarah today and was telling her how, at that point, we had no clue that I had Hodgkins or HOW treatable it was, but all we knew was the word biopsy, which, in our minds, is synonymous with the possibility that this is SERIOUS and you might have cancer. So, while, once again, I am so blessed to have had the "best" kind of cancer I could have had, six months ago today, we weren't really sure what the next months would hold or if I was going to make it to my 22nd birthday. That sounds super-cheesy given the curability of my disease, but when you hear you need a biopsy and the word "cancer" pops into the realm of possibilities, it's pretty scary. Also significant in this day was just in reflecting with my parents that a year ago, when I turned 21, WHO would have guessed that I'd not only be diagnosed with cancer and go through chemo, but on top of that be CURED of cancer and FINISH chemo, all within the next 365 days (or less, technically, since it was all in about a 6 month period, but you get my point). So crazy what the last year has held. I can't say I'm sad to see 21 go, however, I have been SO blessed by people in this past year and have been moved more times than I can even HOPE to recount, that it has definitely made 21 a memorable year.
Ok, so, enough reminiscing. I have now caught you up to pace with where I've been the past month, and now for the next week or so: tomorrow I actually fly BACK to Wheaton because my teammate and another former roommate Megan is getting married in Wheaton on Saturday. Since I flew home a week ago, my car is still up there with all of my stuff in it, so after her wedding on Saturday, I'll get in my jam-packed Tahoe and drive home. Since I'm driving alone for the 15 hours, I'm gonna stop at Kanakuk K-West on the way, where it is currently Staff Training week, which will be both fun since I have some good friends back working there this summer and good since this is the first summer in 16 that I won't be at kamp. Sad. Anyway, so I'll stop at K-West on the drive home because it is a little over the halfway point of the drive, and I'll spend Sunday night, Monday, and Tuesday there, heading the rest of the way home for good on Wednesday. After that, I need to jump on some applications for stuff because I still don't have a job, and while I am a college graduate and that is something to be proud of, being a bum at home is not that fun. As for the schools in Hawaii, I heard back from my top choice, and we actually had a good conversation, but they filled the one open position for this year, so I'm not going there this year. While I was bummed, it actually was a good thing because they wanted me out there by late-July, and the doctor had just told me that he thought it would be a struggle for me to teach full-time until about the beginning of October since I'll still be getting my strength back. The principal said there might be another position there the next year, so the door may not be closed there permanently, but at least for right now it is, and that's at least good to know. So, thank you for your prayers that things would be clear--again, while it's not fun to not know what I'm doing nor get rejected, at the same time, my prayer was that it would be clear whether I should do that job in Hawaii or not, and I'm so thankful that it is clear! It would have been so much harder had I gotten the job, had my doctor told me he thought it would be a struggle, and then if I had to turn that down. I would still love prayers for wisdom and discernment to see what I SHOULD do this next year, though! I will be in Dallas, and that is all that I know right now. :)
Ok, last thing for tonight for now--this won't be the last post; I'll update as I go back twice in June for bloodwork/a doctor's visit and scans and even beyond that! But, for now, I need to sleep because I haven't thought about what I'm taking back to Wheaton for this wedding, and I'm exhausted. ANYWAY, I was reading in a study by Kay Arthur on the names and attributes of God, and it was talking about, once again, God's sovereignty--gotta LOVE it! It listed the example of Job and how, even in a situation where Satan works his destruction and pain, God is the one who brings up Job's name, saying "have you considered my servant Job?" The point is that, even when Satan and sin work, God is still sovereign. I don't fully understand the relationship of Satan to the world with how suffering works in conjunction with God's sovereignty and how God basically gives Satan permission to test Job; I can understand when people wonder why God just didn't give him permission, and then there wouldn't have been any suffering for Job. HOWEVER, I do know that, even in that situation and other hard situations, God is STILL sovereign. The follow up to that point was a passage that I really liked and which talks about Joseph and how God orchestrated even the crappier situations of his life to achieve His purpose.
This resonated with me because, in looking back (and forward, too, at the road that still lies ahead with getting my hair, strength, and stamina back and with all the future testing and follow-ups) on this lymphoma-journey, there have been those times when you wonder why God, who is definitely sovereign, uses the hard stuff in His plan and why He couldn't have gotten the same glory by testing us in easier ways. So, I liked what Kay writes about Joseph's situation because it's how I've felt at times in all of this--when I've just felt that I needed SOME kind of victory once in a while--and with the way the times are going right now, I'm sure many have been feeling:
"Do you remember how Joseph's brothers plotted his demise? Because of his
brothers' jealousy, Joseph was sold to be a slave in Egypt. There, in the house of
Potiphar, he was falsely accused and put in prison for two years. It was enough to
make any normal man bitter at God. Joseph had done what was right, had been
faithful to his God, and suffered because of it. He seemed the victim of the whims
and plots of men. And yet, during all this time Joseph did nothing to dishonor his
God. He knew the Most High stood in the shadows, ruling over all, watching and
waiting. Whether or not he understood, Joseph knew that God had a purpose in it
all..."
Kay points out that it's easier to be thankful "when you realize that your Father, El Elyon, God Most High, is in control and that nothing can happen in His universe without His permission...even when we are wronged by others, we can still give thanks." I haven't been sorely wronged by others in all of this, and I don't want to see myself as a victim, but I do know that there have been times in all of this when I've just felt so FRUSTRATED with having to deal with all of this, and yet, I still have known that God is sovereign--there's some funny combination of our limited understanding which KNOWS that He is in control and our human frailty which struggles to persevere and keep trusting that He's actually enacting that sovereign plan even in the harder or quieter times. I don't know why I really just LOVED reading that, but I did, and maybe it was because I like acknowledging my frustrations as I've been learning that being honest with the LORD is part of a relationship. So, hopefully that is a reminder to you, too, in these pretty discouraging days--that, even in the cases of Job and Joseph, when it seemed like the poor guys just couldn't get a break, God was working His plan and utilizing each and every action--even the wrong actions of Joseph's brothers--to achieve His sovereign plan and purpose in their lives and in the world.
Ok, it is bedtime. Lastly, I can't adequately thank you for your support. Even writing it on here is a cheap substitute for the gratitude I have to each and every single one of you who has prayed, offered an encouraging word, brought me Jamba Juice, encouraged my family, etc. Thank you again for taking the time to tell us your thoughts and to tell us how you've been praying--sometimes what probably seemed like the shortest e-mail to you was just another HUGE encouragement that people were praying and that we were not alone in this (though we NEVER are alone anyway, but you know what I mean). Thanks for blessing us. Stay tuned for future posts on all the ways God worked and on less-serious ruminations on things I learned along the way. :) I am so thankful for you.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
That said, I realized last night, while taking a sentimental journey down memory lane from my very first blog post until the most recent one, that it has definitely been FAR too long. Almost a month, two treatments, the END OF CHEMO, graduation, and another year in the life of yours truly have all passed since my last post. AND SO, because so much has happened, and WE have so much to celebrate (for all those who have partnered in prayer and support with us, you can celebrate, too!), I have decided to make this long-overdue post a photo-journey through my favorite month of May, starting with where I left off, after chemo number 11 (which was April 30th).
At chemo 11, the doctors and nurses were kinda freaking out about part of my white blood counts, which were apparently at 90 out of 10,000ish. Yes, that is clearly bad, but I finally pulled my nurse Michelle aside and said, "ok, I understand this is bad, but aren't we usually at like 100?" to which she replied in the affirmative. I followed up that question by pointing out that, although 90 is clearly bad, when you're at 90/10,000 versus 100/10,000, it really doesn't seem like those 10 extra points make that much of a difference, and she agreed, so that eased my mind as people continued to tell me HOW low my counts were. However, since I was flying home the next day for my high school co-captain Becky (Cunningham) Ellis's wedding, and since the Swine Flu was at it's peak "freak-out" stage at that point, the only way they were okay with me flying was, YES, if I wore a mask.
So, this first picture illustrates a couple things: first of all, it shows how GREAT my mother is. She didn't have to wear a mask but wore it so that I wouldn't feel awkward alone. Secondly, if you'll notice, we wrote on my mask "CHEMO, NOT SWINE FLU" so that people wouldn't move away from me like I was an infectious disease, and on my mom's mask, we wrote "I'm with chemo girl." :) Let me just tell you: these masks were hot, itchy, not conducive to having a coke on the airplane, and hopefully you will never have to wear one in public. I DID get sympathy from the flight attendants though, despite the mocking comment from some tool of a college kid who clapped as I walked by and said "you can never be too careful." My response to that was telling him "I had CANCER" in a tone that conveyed how I thought he was a moron. If I had thought of it, I wish I had just taken off my wig to startle him, but I thought of that after the fact.
I digress. The wedding that weekend was great, and Becky was so sweet and thanked me for coming home, encouraging me that she'd been looking forward to seeing me, and honestly, I really needed that. I wish I could say I didn't need people affirming me, but I definitely do. Especially towards the end of the overall treatment schedule--with chemos 9, 10, and 11--when the end was so close but it still seemed a ways off, it was just rough, so I really appreciated her telling me that, and it made going back to Wheaton while heading into finals and my bad days a bit easier.
Also to note of that weekend was that I had to give myself a shot after I flew home. It cost us $40, although the prescription label told us "your insurance saved you: $3,700" and we had heard that before insurance, sometimes it even was as much as $7,000. So, you can imagine the pressure that was on me to administer this, my first shot, without any glitches. :) Luckily, I got some tips from my friend Chrisey and her fiance Brett (who is diabetic) on giving myself the shot. Brett said to just go for it, so I did, and while I hope to not have to do that again, how often can I say I gave myself a $4,000 shot?!? The point of the shot (and why I'm telling you this) is that it was supposed to help boost my neutrophils (which are part of the white blood cells) by somehow creating new cells in my bone marrow. They warned me that it could cause "bone pain" in my legs because it basically makes the marrow go crazy and it tries to expand when there's nowhere for all the rapidly new forming cells to go, so they gave me some Hydrocodone (Vicodin) just in case. They thought it would hit on my day 5, so I figured that if I have to suffer through those days anyway, if I could take some Vicodin to ease bone pain and then also sleep through the bad days, that would be fine by me. HOWEVER, it did not hit on day 5. At first I was relieved and figured I wasn't gonna get that side effect of the Nuelasta shot. BUT NO, it still came. However, it was REALLY unfortunate because it ended up hitting me on day 7, which also happened to be Wednesday May 6th, the day before my ONLY final exam and the last exam I needed to take in college. When the bone pain hit, it hit in my lower back, a little in my chest, and then finally in the middle of my back, and let me tell you: I have NEVER been in that much pain in my life. EVER. And what was the WORST was that, though I had the Vicodin sitting there on my nightstand, the worst pain hit at like 10pm the night before my only final exam, and I knew if I took it I would be way too out of it to take that exam. I mean, the pain made me roll from side to side, and I eventually found a Dwight Schrute stress ball my teammate Brooke had given me during volleyball season, so I at least got to squeeze that as I was rolling around. I think I sounded like dying roadkill, too. That experience taught me a few things: first of all, Praise the LORD that I didn't have to get any kind of a bone marrow transplant. I cannot even imagine having to do that and I have literally the utmost respect for people who go through that. OUCHHHHHHHHH. I can't even think about that night or it hurts. The second thing I learned--or really was reminded of--was just to cling to the One who is sovereign, so I flipped open to the Psalms and had just read Psalm 102 "The prayer of an afflicted man" that morning, and I re-read it and just waited for the pain to stop. If ever in serious physical pain, I'd say Psalm 102 is the way to go. Anyway, PTL that the pain eventually subsided, I got to sleep, and I made it to my last final exam of my college career on Thursday morning.
From there, that weekend was crazy. My mom and Katie got in on Thursday, and they helped throw a brunch (with my aunts hosting it in absentia) for me to spend some time with the girls at Wheaton who have been such blessings to me. I was so touched by my Wheaton friends (more on that later), but to have so many girls show up and to get some time to just eat and relax and talk before graduation and leaving was such a blessing. My dad and Madelyn came in Friday night on May 8th, and we all went to downtown Chicago together for a little while on Saturday, which was fun to be there with all five of us for the first time. That night, my mom's parents came in, and we got to go to a Faculty Reception at Wheaton where my parents got to meet a couple of my profs and some friends' families, so that was cool just being able to thank them for their support as well. On Sunday May 10th, I GRADUATED FROM WHEATON COLLEGE!!!!
PRAISE THE LORD! There was a time when that was looking like it might not happen back when we got the diagnosis, so PTL, seriously! I want to have another post soon about all of the MANY praises, so I won't belabour the point now, but graduating with my class was such a praise!
My family flew out Monday morning around 6am to get back to their jobs and school, and the rest of the week I packed up the last four years of STUFF that has accumulated at Wheaton. On Thursday, May 14th, I had my 12th and FINAL chemo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PTL!!!
The picture above is of me and my WONDERFUL nurse Michelle Balla celebrating in our Cars party hats and with the noise-makers my Aunts sent in the final chemo-day care-package. Michelle was seriously SUCH a blessing to the whole process, and aside from getting a care-package on every day of chemo, the only other thing I looked forward to was seeing her, so I'm gonna miss her! Luckily, when I go back up for all of my scans, I should hopefully be able to stop in and see her. :)
On Friday, May 15th, I flew home to Fairview. When I got up to my orange bedroom, there were 2 vases of roses, 1 vase of lilies, 1 vase of tulips, 1 of gerber daisies, and 1 of regular daisies, all in ORANGE waiting for me and placed there by my mom to celebrate the end of Chemo! They are beautiful and make me so happy. :) On Saturday, my amazing teammate Emily flew in from LA and we hung out, and then on Sunday, we drove down to The Woodlands (Houston area) for our other teammate and my former roommate and legendary roadtrip-mate Stefanie's wedding. It was beautiful, and I'm so glad I was able to go, and it was another HUGE praise that I felt well for the wedding because it was on Sunday, which was day 4 in my final treatment cycle, and those days towards the last few treatments were really starting to get worse like days 5 and 6. So PTL for being able to go, seeing my teammates and some friends again and in a non-Wheaton setting, and for Emily. It was weird when Stef and Jeremy drove away and we were standing around talking, realizing that this was goodbye for most of these people, including my teammate Kelli who has been a great friend, former roommate, and an incredible support to me this semester. I don't like goodbyes, so not having to say them at graduation was nice, but it was sad knowing that, in most of these cases, we're heading off to different parts of the country and it could be a while before I see them again. On Monday, Em and I drove back to Dallas to get her on her flight back to LA, and then I came home and CRASHED (it was Day 5). I crashed again on Tuesday and Wednesday, and I am LOVING being somewhere with DVR where I don't have to watch commercials on days I'm not feeling well. :)
And that brings us to today...slash earlllyyyy this morning. As I mentioned, I was reading through all of my old posts, and today was a nostalgic day because it was my first Day 8 post-chemo 12, so hopefully today marks the first day where I feel more and more normal with every passing day. Also, it closed out the year for me, and it was weird reading back through and thinking about my half-birthday on November 21st, which was the day we found out I'd need a biopsy. I went to lunch with my best bud Sarah today and was telling her how, at that point, we had no clue that I had Hodgkins or HOW treatable it was, but all we knew was the word biopsy, which, in our minds, is synonymous with the possibility that this is SERIOUS and you might have cancer. So, while, once again, I am so blessed to have had the "best" kind of cancer I could have had, six months ago today, we weren't really sure what the next months would hold or if I was going to make it to my 22nd birthday. That sounds super-cheesy given the curability of my disease, but when you hear you need a biopsy and the word "cancer" pops into the realm of possibilities, it's pretty scary. Also significant in this day was just in reflecting with my parents that a year ago, when I turned 21, WHO would have guessed that I'd not only be diagnosed with cancer and go through chemo, but on top of that be CURED of cancer and FINISH chemo, all within the next 365 days (or less, technically, since it was all in about a 6 month period, but you get my point). So crazy what the last year has held. I can't say I'm sad to see 21 go, however, I have been SO blessed by people in this past year and have been moved more times than I can even HOPE to recount, that it has definitely made 21 a memorable year.
Ok, so, enough reminiscing. I have now caught you up to pace with where I've been the past month, and now for the next week or so: tomorrow I actually fly BACK to Wheaton because my teammate and another former roommate Megan is getting married in Wheaton on Saturday. Since I flew home a week ago, my car is still up there with all of my stuff in it, so after her wedding on Saturday, I'll get in my jam-packed Tahoe and drive home. Since I'm driving alone for the 15 hours, I'm gonna stop at Kanakuk K-West on the way, where it is currently Staff Training week, which will be both fun since I have some good friends back working there this summer and good since this is the first summer in 16 that I won't be at kamp. Sad. Anyway, so I'll stop at K-West on the drive home because it is a little over the halfway point of the drive, and I'll spend Sunday night, Monday, and Tuesday there, heading the rest of the way home for good on Wednesday. After that, I need to jump on some applications for stuff because I still don't have a job, and while I am a college graduate and that is something to be proud of, being a bum at home is not that fun. As for the schools in Hawaii, I heard back from my top choice, and we actually had a good conversation, but they filled the one open position for this year, so I'm not going there this year. While I was bummed, it actually was a good thing because they wanted me out there by late-July, and the doctor had just told me that he thought it would be a struggle for me to teach full-time until about the beginning of October since I'll still be getting my strength back. The principal said there might be another position there the next year, so the door may not be closed there permanently, but at least for right now it is, and that's at least good to know. So, thank you for your prayers that things would be clear--again, while it's not fun to not know what I'm doing nor get rejected, at the same time, my prayer was that it would be clear whether I should do that job in Hawaii or not, and I'm so thankful that it is clear! It would have been so much harder had I gotten the job, had my doctor told me he thought it would be a struggle, and then if I had to turn that down. I would still love prayers for wisdom and discernment to see what I SHOULD do this next year, though! I will be in Dallas, and that is all that I know right now. :)
Ok, last thing for tonight for now--this won't be the last post; I'll update as I go back twice in June for bloodwork/a doctor's visit and scans and even beyond that! But, for now, I need to sleep because I haven't thought about what I'm taking back to Wheaton for this wedding, and I'm exhausted. ANYWAY, I was reading in a study by Kay Arthur on the names and attributes of God, and it was talking about, once again, God's sovereignty--gotta LOVE it! It listed the example of Job and how, even in a situation where Satan works his destruction and pain, God is the one who brings up Job's name, saying "have you considered my servant Job?" The point is that, even when Satan and sin work, God is still sovereign. I don't fully understand the relationship of Satan to the world with how suffering works in conjunction with God's sovereignty and how God basically gives Satan permission to test Job; I can understand when people wonder why God just didn't give him permission, and then there wouldn't have been any suffering for Job. HOWEVER, I do know that, even in that situation and other hard situations, God is STILL sovereign. The follow up to that point was a passage that I really liked and which talks about Joseph and how God orchestrated even the crappier situations of his life to achieve His purpose.
This resonated with me because, in looking back (and forward, too, at the road that still lies ahead with getting my hair, strength, and stamina back and with all the future testing and follow-ups) on this lymphoma-journey, there have been those times when you wonder why God, who is definitely sovereign, uses the hard stuff in His plan and why He couldn't have gotten the same glory by testing us in easier ways. So, I liked what Kay writes about Joseph's situation because it's how I've felt at times in all of this--when I've just felt that I needed SOME kind of victory once in a while--and with the way the times are going right now, I'm sure many have been feeling:
"Do you remember how Joseph's brothers plotted his demise? Because of his
brothers' jealousy, Joseph was sold to be a slave in Egypt. There, in the house of
Potiphar, he was falsely accused and put in prison for two years. It was enough to
make any normal man bitter at God. Joseph had done what was right, had been
faithful to his God, and suffered because of it. He seemed the victim of the whims
and plots of men. And yet, during all this time Joseph did nothing to dishonor his
God. He knew the Most High stood in the shadows, ruling over all, watching and
waiting. Whether or not he understood, Joseph knew that God had a purpose in it
all..."
Kay points out that it's easier to be thankful "when you realize that your Father, El Elyon, God Most High, is in control and that nothing can happen in His universe without His permission...even when we are wronged by others, we can still give thanks." I haven't been sorely wronged by others in all of this, and I don't want to see myself as a victim, but I do know that there have been times in all of this when I've just felt so FRUSTRATED with having to deal with all of this, and yet, I still have known that God is sovereign--there's some funny combination of our limited understanding which KNOWS that He is in control and our human frailty which struggles to persevere and keep trusting that He's actually enacting that sovereign plan even in the harder or quieter times. I don't know why I really just LOVED reading that, but I did, and maybe it was because I like acknowledging my frustrations as I've been learning that being honest with the LORD is part of a relationship. So, hopefully that is a reminder to you, too, in these pretty discouraging days--that, even in the cases of Job and Joseph, when it seemed like the poor guys just couldn't get a break, God was working His plan and utilizing each and every action--even the wrong actions of Joseph's brothers--to achieve His sovereign plan and purpose in their lives and in the world.
Ok, it is bedtime. Lastly, I can't adequately thank you for your support. Even writing it on here is a cheap substitute for the gratitude I have to each and every single one of you who has prayed, offered an encouraging word, brought me Jamba Juice, encouraged my family, etc. Thank you again for taking the time to tell us your thoughts and to tell us how you've been praying--sometimes what probably seemed like the shortest e-mail to you was just another HUGE encouragement that people were praying and that we were not alone in this (though we NEVER are alone anyway, but you know what I mean). Thanks for blessing us. Stay tuned for future posts on all the ways God worked and on less-serious ruminations on things I learned along the way. :) I am so thankful for you.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
"But the LORD has become my fortress, and my God the rock in whom I take refuge" --Psalm 94:22
So, it's definitely been a while. I looked at the date of the last post--April 5th--and realized that was an obscenely long time ago, so I should probably get on an update! A fair amount has gone on, and the last week or so has been crazy, so I'll go back and highlight some of the bigger points, starting from where I left off, at Easter.
I went home and got to spend Thursday night through Tuesday morning at home. I realized when home that, though technically I'd been there at two other times in the semester, both were while passing through and for less than 24 hours. So it was nice to rest and relax at home...at least as much as you can when thrown back into the craziness/busyness of home. I actually didn't sleep a whole lot leading up to Easter, and while I was home I certainly did not catch up, so I was a little beat when I got back. And by "I didn't sleep a whole lot," I mean I was getting 7 hours of sleep a night instead of the 9 or 10 that I have so come to look forward to during this semester--the one good side-effect (aside from being able to do my "hair" for nicer events and then let it sit on a stand while I finish my makeup).
Anyway, despite the lack of sleep over Easter, I got to see some of my best friends, watch Madelyn's team play volleyball, eat a LOT of Mi Cocina and Pei Wei, and enjoy being in Dallas. I just love that place! The Easter service at Bent Tree was actually really good and another highlight--and I say "actually" good because I think sometimes I tune out on Easter, knowing it's a "seeker-sensitive" day and that the message will be geared to that point. But, this service was really good, and Pete talked about needing a resurrection--for Christ physically and in each of our lives, not just for salvation, but also in times when we need renewal, which I think a good amount of us do right now. Also, we sang "On Christ the solid Rock I stand," which, if you've caught on, is how I end these posts, and I just love that song. If you don't know it, it says "On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand." I think that's a huge anthem that I just love to belt out and proclaim, affirming how true it is. ALL other ground is sinking sand, as I've seen by trying to rely on myself for strength or on a title for purpose or on others for affirmation. However, it's all sinking sand compared to the solid Rock that is Jesus Christ and being rooted in Him. Amen to that song.
So anyway, that was Easter. I arrived back to school, did the usual routine, and then had treatment number 10 on Thursday, April 16th in Chicago. Yes, we have officially made it to double digits-PTL!!! Friday, April 17th, my friend Harrison and I drove up to the Twin Cities in Minnesota (my first trip to the state!) because he had some interviews up there and Madelyn's volleyball team was playing in a National Qualifier in Minneapolis. Actually, Harrison is the ONLY one who drove, so shoutout to him and his excellent chauffeuring and service to me there! I got to surprise Madelyn--the look of confusion she gave me from the side of the court when she saw me standing with my parents was priceless--and I also got to hang out with my parents some, so that was a blessing as well. Sidenote that my mom and I went to the Mall of America, which, if you're a girl from shop-happy Dallas, is something worth doing at least once in your life, so that was fun! Madelyn's team qualified for Nationals, so they were ecstatic, and after that, we packed up and drove home on Monday April 20th.
Last week was one of academia. Yes, I have had it pretty well this semester, given the circumstances. One class does not build up a large amount of stress or work, which is a good thing, due to chemo brain and my inability to concentrate. Last week, however, was fairly stressful, as I finished and turned in my senior seminar paper, which was huge--PTL for Him giving me the focus to get that done! Thankyou thankyou thankyou for your prayers for focus--seriously, I could not have done that on my own. It was hard enough to finish reading through questions on an exam and stay focused the whole time I read the question itself, so finishing that paper was a struggle, so thanks again! I also finally passed my English departmental exam...you really do not want to engage me in a discussion about my feelings towards that exam. All you need to know is that only two departments at Wheaton make you take senior exams, mine being one of them, and that it is supposed to evaluate what they have taught you, yet they make you study and take it till you pass. Praise the Lord that I passed at last. :)
We had a volleyball tournament with my 14s club team this weekend, and it was the last one I can go to aside from practices, so it was a looonnnngg day, but it was fun in retrospect, and I had some good talks with a couple girls. We had our final Klub night for Aurora K-Life, which was weird and yet cool to reflect on how God orchestrated a K-Life beginning up here in the Chicagoland area while I've been here. I had the last class that I actually had to participate in on Tuesday--we had debates in my Christian Thought class, so while I will go to class tomorrow and take my final next Thursday, I am done with regular class and participating. A whole lot of lasts. A week from tomorrow, my mom and sister Katie will fly in, followed by my parents and grandparents the next day. As graduation comes closer, I'm definitely seeing more of the reality that life is about to change in a big way. I have little money in my bank account (darn "no boyfriend money" is running out), I don't have a job, and I am fixing to be done with schooling (at least for now), which has been my life up to this point. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I am SOOOO looking forward to my LAST chemo, which is two weeks from tomorrow!!!! PTL. That's all I can say to that.
So, yes, if you think that through, it means that treatment number 11 is tomorrow. HALLELUJAH! 2 more. At this point, I am very encouraged that the end is near. The last few treatments--really treatments 9 and 10--have been difficult just in knowing that I am so close to being finished, and yet, there was still a lot of time before the process would end. Plus, I feel like, due to many years of a day-planner, I function by 2 week intervals. So, I can visually see the final treatment in my head right now because tomorrow is 11 and the final one is now within that 2 week span. However, a LOT is going to happen before then. As far as how I've been feeling, they say that the effects get cummuluatively worse, and while I don't know that they have been phenomenally worse the past few times, I did notice feeling a little worse this last treatment. I threw up on Saturday, which was a little disconcerting since I've only done that a couple times in this whole process, and since Saturday was way beyond the "feeling-bad" days for me, so it came a little out of nowhere. Luckily, I didn't have a fever, so that's a praise.
Back to the rundown of life: after treatment and meeting with the doctor tomorrow (which my mom will fly up for), we will spend the night downtown. Friday morning, my mom and I fly home to Dallas because I am going home for my co-captain from my TCA volleyball team's wedding. Fun fact that you don't need to know: I have been gone the weekend before final exams (this weekend) for the past 3 years due to weddings. Apparently this is the weekend to get married--just a head's up. So, after attending the wedding and taunting Madelyn as she heads to prom on Saturday, I'll fly back here on Sunday to recover (Sunday will be day 4) and get ready for my exam--that'll be a process to study for since I won't feel well for a few prime study days.
Hopefully I will update sometime before the chaos that will ensue after my exam, but I'll at least give you a rundown of how things will look in case I don't. My final is Thursday May 7th, and my mom and Katie will be here. Friday we're having a brunch, then graduation rehearsal, then my dad, Madelyn, and grandparents will come in. Saturday my family will get to meet my amazing professors who have not only instructed me with such wisdom, but who have shown me incredible grace and support in this process, so I'm excited for that. Sunday, May 10th, Mother's Day, is graduation! Why Wheaton decides to do graduation on a Sunday when they don't even open the library on Sundays is beyond me. Anyway, since it's on Sunday, my family all has to get back to get to work and school on Monday, so they'll stay at the airport hotel that night and take the 6am flights to Dallas and Colorado Springs Monday morning, leaving me to pack, clean, and do some final hanging out with friends for a while. Thursday, May 14th is my final treatment. What a day that will be. So, there's a good amount to pack in there, but I will definitely try to update before then.
Last things: With all of the upcoming travel, and with the swine flu that just today caused the Fort Worth school district to cancel all schools for a week, I would once again LOVE prayers for protection from illness or sickness. I'm a little alarmed that it's hit otherwise-healthy people in a big way, and since I pretty much don't have an immune system, I seriously covet your prayers for health. Also on the topic of health, there's a nerve in my left leg, from my knee down to my outer ankle bone that is twinged right now. My leg isn't numb, but it drives me crazy to stand and it hurts a fair amount right now. We're not sure if that's due to the chemo drugs (they told me it could affect nerve endings in my fingers and toes, so who knows!), or if it's just because I overused the nerve somehow. So, prayers there would be great--more than pain, when there's nerve stuff happening, it just makes me so crazy with annoyance almost. I would love prayer for safety in the travel--for me, my family, and for all the families that will be heading this way and all the students heading home soon, too.
Finally, I'll throw in another "while-you're-at-it" prayer, as I like to call them: for wisdom, discernment, and trust as I'm trying to figure out where He's leading me and where to follow Him for this next stage in my life. I realize that it's a misconception to think that this next stage is going to be the rest of my life; it could only be for a year or for a few, but basically, as I try to discern what the next step is to take, I would love your prayers. I had a follow-up phone interview with one school in Hawaii today, and while that would be a dream, I definitely need to remain patient and remember one of my favorite verses, Philippians 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." SO TRUE! I think I've mentioned that I love praying those specific words--for the "peace that passes all understanding," and God is SO faithful to answer those prayers! He really does give unfathomable peace in times when you otherwise would be understandably crazy. So, He's been giving me such peace and I'm not super-anxious, but I do want to make sure that I follow where He's leading, so that could be back in Dallas, in Hawaii, or some other place (but hopefully not where it's cold). :)
The last thing I'll say is something I was reminded of a couple weeks ago in learning all about the names of God and about His character: we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Duh, right? Well, that might seem like common-sense if you've grown up in the church, and it has been a cute little catchphrase we tell our kampers at Kanakuk in the summer, but I don't think I've ever been so confronted with that truth as during this process. God's character is that He is sovereign, above all things and over all things, having created things exactly to His purpose and plan. So, as I was reading these different things affirming His character and came to this reminder--that HE creates us fearfully and wonderfully, I found myself confronted with the truth and really having to TRUST in that. Even now, when I have "tufty" hair (as Madelyn terms it...basically I'm still a baldy, minus the scraggly and thin hair that's "tufted" up), when my skin looks purple due to the drugs half the time, and when I feel like crap, I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. A little bit harder for me to believe right now, but it was so good to read those words and be reminded that, even now, God has not made a mistake, nor is this out of His plan. Additionally, the status of my hair...or lack thereof...doesn't change the fact that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He's not just meaning that we are physically created well, but who we ARE--which is beyond how we look or what our reputations are--our personalities, dreams, and characteristics were all created by a God who, in the words of Joe White, "don't make no junk." Hard to be confronted with vanity and insecurity, but so good to really have to dig deep and understand that He is sovereign and that I am STILL well-created.
In thinking of that, I'd like to give a shoutout to my kamper Meredith Cleveland, who just cut her hair and donated it to Locks of Love so that some girl or boy would be blessed by that--and she said she started thinking about it when she read that we had to shave my head. Wow, when she told me that, I definitely started to cry. She has always been so selfless in all she does, and she saw that it was more important for her to help someone dealing with losing their hair than it was for her to keep her long hair. What a stud who has shown me such a great example of genuine love and servitude over the past couple years--and she's 16!
Anyway, this has been a long one, and my fingers hurt from typing. I'm such a pansy right now. BUT, thanks for your faithfulness in praying for me. In reflecting on how I've been doing and all that's been going on, I've been reminded again and again of the incredible support I've received and how all it takes is us asking for help, and the body of Christ is right there. I hope you have a blessed night/morning/day, depending on when you read this!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
I went home and got to spend Thursday night through Tuesday morning at home. I realized when home that, though technically I'd been there at two other times in the semester, both were while passing through and for less than 24 hours. So it was nice to rest and relax at home...at least as much as you can when thrown back into the craziness/busyness of home. I actually didn't sleep a whole lot leading up to Easter, and while I was home I certainly did not catch up, so I was a little beat when I got back. And by "I didn't sleep a whole lot," I mean I was getting 7 hours of sleep a night instead of the 9 or 10 that I have so come to look forward to during this semester--the one good side-effect (aside from being able to do my "hair" for nicer events and then let it sit on a stand while I finish my makeup).
Anyway, despite the lack of sleep over Easter, I got to see some of my best friends, watch Madelyn's team play volleyball, eat a LOT of Mi Cocina and Pei Wei, and enjoy being in Dallas. I just love that place! The Easter service at Bent Tree was actually really good and another highlight--and I say "actually" good because I think sometimes I tune out on Easter, knowing it's a "seeker-sensitive" day and that the message will be geared to that point. But, this service was really good, and Pete talked about needing a resurrection--for Christ physically and in each of our lives, not just for salvation, but also in times when we need renewal, which I think a good amount of us do right now. Also, we sang "On Christ the solid Rock I stand," which, if you've caught on, is how I end these posts, and I just love that song. If you don't know it, it says "On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand." I think that's a huge anthem that I just love to belt out and proclaim, affirming how true it is. ALL other ground is sinking sand, as I've seen by trying to rely on myself for strength or on a title for purpose or on others for affirmation. However, it's all sinking sand compared to the solid Rock that is Jesus Christ and being rooted in Him. Amen to that song.
So anyway, that was Easter. I arrived back to school, did the usual routine, and then had treatment number 10 on Thursday, April 16th in Chicago. Yes, we have officially made it to double digits-PTL!!! Friday, April 17th, my friend Harrison and I drove up to the Twin Cities in Minnesota (my first trip to the state!) because he had some interviews up there and Madelyn's volleyball team was playing in a National Qualifier in Minneapolis. Actually, Harrison is the ONLY one who drove, so shoutout to him and his excellent chauffeuring and service to me there! I got to surprise Madelyn--the look of confusion she gave me from the side of the court when she saw me standing with my parents was priceless--and I also got to hang out with my parents some, so that was a blessing as well. Sidenote that my mom and I went to the Mall of America, which, if you're a girl from shop-happy Dallas, is something worth doing at least once in your life, so that was fun! Madelyn's team qualified for Nationals, so they were ecstatic, and after that, we packed up and drove home on Monday April 20th.
Last week was one of academia. Yes, I have had it pretty well this semester, given the circumstances. One class does not build up a large amount of stress or work, which is a good thing, due to chemo brain and my inability to concentrate. Last week, however, was fairly stressful, as I finished and turned in my senior seminar paper, which was huge--PTL for Him giving me the focus to get that done! Thankyou thankyou thankyou for your prayers for focus--seriously, I could not have done that on my own. It was hard enough to finish reading through questions on an exam and stay focused the whole time I read the question itself, so finishing that paper was a struggle, so thanks again! I also finally passed my English departmental exam...you really do not want to engage me in a discussion about my feelings towards that exam. All you need to know is that only two departments at Wheaton make you take senior exams, mine being one of them, and that it is supposed to evaluate what they have taught you, yet they make you study and take it till you pass. Praise the Lord that I passed at last. :)
We had a volleyball tournament with my 14s club team this weekend, and it was the last one I can go to aside from practices, so it was a looonnnngg day, but it was fun in retrospect, and I had some good talks with a couple girls. We had our final Klub night for Aurora K-Life, which was weird and yet cool to reflect on how God orchestrated a K-Life beginning up here in the Chicagoland area while I've been here. I had the last class that I actually had to participate in on Tuesday--we had debates in my Christian Thought class, so while I will go to class tomorrow and take my final next Thursday, I am done with regular class and participating. A whole lot of lasts. A week from tomorrow, my mom and sister Katie will fly in, followed by my parents and grandparents the next day. As graduation comes closer, I'm definitely seeing more of the reality that life is about to change in a big way. I have little money in my bank account (darn "no boyfriend money" is running out), I don't have a job, and I am fixing to be done with schooling (at least for now), which has been my life up to this point. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I am SOOOO looking forward to my LAST chemo, which is two weeks from tomorrow!!!! PTL. That's all I can say to that.
So, yes, if you think that through, it means that treatment number 11 is tomorrow. HALLELUJAH! 2 more. At this point, I am very encouraged that the end is near. The last few treatments--really treatments 9 and 10--have been difficult just in knowing that I am so close to being finished, and yet, there was still a lot of time before the process would end. Plus, I feel like, due to many years of a day-planner, I function by 2 week intervals. So, I can visually see the final treatment in my head right now because tomorrow is 11 and the final one is now within that 2 week span. However, a LOT is going to happen before then. As far as how I've been feeling, they say that the effects get cummuluatively worse, and while I don't know that they have been phenomenally worse the past few times, I did notice feeling a little worse this last treatment. I threw up on Saturday, which was a little disconcerting since I've only done that a couple times in this whole process, and since Saturday was way beyond the "feeling-bad" days for me, so it came a little out of nowhere. Luckily, I didn't have a fever, so that's a praise.
Back to the rundown of life: after treatment and meeting with the doctor tomorrow (which my mom will fly up for), we will spend the night downtown. Friday morning, my mom and I fly home to Dallas because I am going home for my co-captain from my TCA volleyball team's wedding. Fun fact that you don't need to know: I have been gone the weekend before final exams (this weekend) for the past 3 years due to weddings. Apparently this is the weekend to get married--just a head's up. So, after attending the wedding and taunting Madelyn as she heads to prom on Saturday, I'll fly back here on Sunday to recover (Sunday will be day 4) and get ready for my exam--that'll be a process to study for since I won't feel well for a few prime study days.
Hopefully I will update sometime before the chaos that will ensue after my exam, but I'll at least give you a rundown of how things will look in case I don't. My final is Thursday May 7th, and my mom and Katie will be here. Friday we're having a brunch, then graduation rehearsal, then my dad, Madelyn, and grandparents will come in. Saturday my family will get to meet my amazing professors who have not only instructed me with such wisdom, but who have shown me incredible grace and support in this process, so I'm excited for that. Sunday, May 10th, Mother's Day, is graduation! Why Wheaton decides to do graduation on a Sunday when they don't even open the library on Sundays is beyond me. Anyway, since it's on Sunday, my family all has to get back to get to work and school on Monday, so they'll stay at the airport hotel that night and take the 6am flights to Dallas and Colorado Springs Monday morning, leaving me to pack, clean, and do some final hanging out with friends for a while. Thursday, May 14th is my final treatment. What a day that will be. So, there's a good amount to pack in there, but I will definitely try to update before then.
Last things: With all of the upcoming travel, and with the swine flu that just today caused the Fort Worth school district to cancel all schools for a week, I would once again LOVE prayers for protection from illness or sickness. I'm a little alarmed that it's hit otherwise-healthy people in a big way, and since I pretty much don't have an immune system, I seriously covet your prayers for health. Also on the topic of health, there's a nerve in my left leg, from my knee down to my outer ankle bone that is twinged right now. My leg isn't numb, but it drives me crazy to stand and it hurts a fair amount right now. We're not sure if that's due to the chemo drugs (they told me it could affect nerve endings in my fingers and toes, so who knows!), or if it's just because I overused the nerve somehow. So, prayers there would be great--more than pain, when there's nerve stuff happening, it just makes me so crazy with annoyance almost. I would love prayer for safety in the travel--for me, my family, and for all the families that will be heading this way and all the students heading home soon, too.
Finally, I'll throw in another "while-you're-at-it" prayer, as I like to call them: for wisdom, discernment, and trust as I'm trying to figure out where He's leading me and where to follow Him for this next stage in my life. I realize that it's a misconception to think that this next stage is going to be the rest of my life; it could only be for a year or for a few, but basically, as I try to discern what the next step is to take, I would love your prayers. I had a follow-up phone interview with one school in Hawaii today, and while that would be a dream, I definitely need to remain patient and remember one of my favorite verses, Philippians 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." SO TRUE! I think I've mentioned that I love praying those specific words--for the "peace that passes all understanding," and God is SO faithful to answer those prayers! He really does give unfathomable peace in times when you otherwise would be understandably crazy. So, He's been giving me such peace and I'm not super-anxious, but I do want to make sure that I follow where He's leading, so that could be back in Dallas, in Hawaii, or some other place (but hopefully not where it's cold). :)
The last thing I'll say is something I was reminded of a couple weeks ago in learning all about the names of God and about His character: we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Duh, right? Well, that might seem like common-sense if you've grown up in the church, and it has been a cute little catchphrase we tell our kampers at Kanakuk in the summer, but I don't think I've ever been so confronted with that truth as during this process. God's character is that He is sovereign, above all things and over all things, having created things exactly to His purpose and plan. So, as I was reading these different things affirming His character and came to this reminder--that HE creates us fearfully and wonderfully, I found myself confronted with the truth and really having to TRUST in that. Even now, when I have "tufty" hair (as Madelyn terms it...basically I'm still a baldy, minus the scraggly and thin hair that's "tufted" up), when my skin looks purple due to the drugs half the time, and when I feel like crap, I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. A little bit harder for me to believe right now, but it was so good to read those words and be reminded that, even now, God has not made a mistake, nor is this out of His plan. Additionally, the status of my hair...or lack thereof...doesn't change the fact that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He's not just meaning that we are physically created well, but who we ARE--which is beyond how we look or what our reputations are--our personalities, dreams, and characteristics were all created by a God who, in the words of Joe White, "don't make no junk." Hard to be confronted with vanity and insecurity, but so good to really have to dig deep and understand that He is sovereign and that I am STILL well-created.
In thinking of that, I'd like to give a shoutout to my kamper Meredith Cleveland, who just cut her hair and donated it to Locks of Love so that some girl or boy would be blessed by that--and she said she started thinking about it when she read that we had to shave my head. Wow, when she told me that, I definitely started to cry. She has always been so selfless in all she does, and she saw that it was more important for her to help someone dealing with losing their hair than it was for her to keep her long hair. What a stud who has shown me such a great example of genuine love and servitude over the past couple years--and she's 16!
Anyway, this has been a long one, and my fingers hurt from typing. I'm such a pansy right now. BUT, thanks for your faithfulness in praying for me. In reflecting on how I've been doing and all that's been going on, I've been reminded again and again of the incredible support I've received and how all it takes is us asking for help, and the body of Christ is right there. I hope you have a blessed night/morning/day, depending on when you read this!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Sunday, April 5, 2009
"Your path led through the sea, Your way through the mighty waters, though Your footsteps were not seen" -Psalm 77:19
Wow, that verse pretty much sums up what I've been learning through reading "The Red Sea Rules." Good one--and what great imagery--that the path often leads through the sea and mighty waters, and God brings us through both, although we don't always see those footprints next to us as would be our way.
Ok--this is probably going to be a long one--there's a good amount to update, so buckle up. :)
First, let's start with a low and go back to over a week ago (Friday, March 27th) when I was doing my tests/scans at Northwestern. I started out at 8am with the Pulmonary Function test, then moved to the MUGA scan for my heart at 9:15, and I finished up with the CT scan at 12pm. At my 8th chemo treatment on March 18th, my nurse Michelle was having a hard time finding a vein (they're hiding, I believe, because they know what's coming), and we realized that I hadn't had much water, which I guess makes it harder to find veins anyway. So, I've been trying to drink more water, but when it came time for these tests, you can't eat or drink anything for like 12 hours prior to the CT scan, so the lack of hydration, plus the fact that my veins hate needles these days contributed to lots of nurses poking my skin to get good veins. For the MUGA and CT scans, each injection/IV took at least 15 minutes and at least 3 pokes per scan to get a working vein. With the MUGA scan, I guess some got out of the vein, so I got this awesome (slash NOT) bubble under the skin in my left hand, and then for the CT scan, the contrast or dye that they inserted was into a pretty small vein in my other hand, and it basically felt like I was getting stung by a bee for two minutes. But, when they offered to slow it down, it still hurt, and I figured that if it was gonna drag out the pain, I'd rather just go fast and get it over with. To top off my "terrible, horrible, very bad day" (throwback to childhood books), I had to drink the sicknasty Barium Sulfate again for the CT scan, which again, I downed by plugging my nose and chugging. Basically, when I got in my car to drive back to Wheaton, I had HAD it. I was sick of being poked, sick of having all these ugly bruises from all the pokes, and was feeling like it was all just cruel to have to feel like a lab rat, pretty much. So, I had a short teary moment while driving back, which I think has been one of the only mini-meltdowns I've had in all this, PTL. You would think that I would lose it after chemo, but no, apparently the tests did it for me--I was just tired of it all.
My thoughts on the drive back ran something like this: I can look back on most things that have been struggles in my life, and I can see that God has used each of those to strengthen and grow me, all of which have prepared me to go through the next trial. And I KNOW that--that He is so faithful in using each thing to draw me to Him and prepare me to make it through whatever He has for me. But then, I started asking "Oh Lord, is this as hard as it gets? Because if this is all preparing me for something worse in the future, then that sucks and I don't even want to think about that." And, while I know that I am lucky in all of this and that this isn't even THAT bad always, I was just low. Also, I realize that, it's not like you go through something difficult and then God says, "Ok, you've paid your dues. It's all smooth sailing from here"--and I don't expect that anyway. But, those were my thoughts, and so I would love prayers again to persevere, but also to keep growing and learning what He has for me, as well as to keep trusting in His sovereignty.
So, I share all this to share a low and be real with where I was last week, and also to contrast that with some highs. Since those darn tests, I've gotten to celebrate birthdays and wedding showers with friends, hang out with some other good buds, and on Tuesday night, my friend Aniela and I went line dancing, which was a nice reminder of home and got me excited about the summer back in the south. :) On Thursday, my dad came in for chemo #9--hallelujah for now being 75% of the way through this!!! Definitely praise the Lord for that!! Back to the hospital--my dad arrived, and we met with my nurse practitioner Sarah Miyata who gave me the test results from the previous week. She said they looked good--the MUGA scan was great, the CT scan was great, and I have been in remission for two months now! She did add that my pulmonary function (lung) test came back still in normal range, but it showed that my own function was 10% lower than the last time. That could either be due to chemo-induced anemia (which iron supplements will not help since it's chemically induced), or it could be the result of one of the drugs, the Bleomycin, which can adversely affect the lungs. The doctors are a little unsure of how effective the Bleo is anyway--and other countries do not even use it in this regimen (apparently we overtreat here). If the lower lung function is due to anemia, that will go back up after chemo is over, but if the lower results are due to damage from the Bleo, that could be permanent. So, they've decided that we can do without it for the rest of the treatment, so I'm now on AVD treatment. :) Yay for getting to drop a poison. :) Bummer, though, that when my dad asked if this one caused hair loss, I asked if it made me feel flu-like, and we asked about mouth pain, the answers were all in the negative, so of all the drugs we're dropping, of course it would be the one that doesn't really have awful side effects. But, hey! The less poison you have to get is always a good thing, I say.
Also to note is that my counts are again super low. Like at 100. So I pretty much am almost immune system-less. Sarah always cautions me against germs, and I don't think I would ever tell her I flew on three planes, hung out in Times Square and theaters, and danced at a wedding over spring break...apparently the fact that I played volleyball against my 14 year old kids at practice last week made her nervous (then I found out she's married to an infectious disease doctor). Anyway, when she heard even about volleyball and me flying home for Easter next week, she told me to be VERY careful and was shocked that I hadn't gotten sick yet, due to my counts being off the charts...in a low way. She said, "Well, whatever you're doing--keep doing it!" to which I replied, "LOTS of prayer." So, thank you IMMENSELY for all of your prayers against illness--seriously, what a blessing that I haven't had a fever, haven't had to go to the hospital, and on top of that, that I've been able to enjoy a lot of stuff during my final semester at Wheaton. I mean, I still spend a good amount of time on the couch every other week, but in the good weeks, it hasn't held me back TOO much, so PRAISE THE LORD! I'm not superstitious and have never knocked on wood, but I will definitely ask for continued prayers against sickness, fever, and any other illness. And please know that every prayer for me has definitely had an impact, so thanks for being a huge part of this team that goes beyond the doctors, nurses, etc., and really shows what the body of Christ means.
A couple more things--my dad and I got to see Mary Poppins in Chicago on Friday night, which I had seen in NYC a couple years ago, but it was just as good here! Afterward we continued the tradition of waiting at the stage door from New York, and we got some autographs, which was fun, too. Plus it was good time with my dad and hanging out a little in the city. I'm a sucker for musicals--call me cheesy, since I realize in real life people do not break out into spontaneous song, but I still love them, so that was great. Other than that, today I'm taking it fairly lazy, and tomorrow (Monday) and Tuesday will be days 5 and 6, so I'm parking it on this futon for a while. On Thursday, however, I get to fly home for Easter, which will be good family time again, and I'll get to see Madelyn, who turns 17 on Tuesday. SCARRRRYYYY. We're getting old. No way my little sister is almost a high school senior. Or that I'm almost a college graduate. Also, since apparently this is birthday week on steroids, I'm gonna go ahead and give a "happy birthday!" shoutout to Smashlie, Lando, Little J, Madelyn, and Jerri just because I can. :)
And back on to more serious things--as for prayer, the continued "health" prayers are huge, and for safety travelling, perseverance, etc. But also, at treatment on Thursday, my nurse Michelle told us that Dr. Gordon's wife was just diagnosed (for the second time) with breast cancer, so if you could be praying for my doctor and his wife--for healing, encouragement, and perseverance, that would be great. He's been a great doctor, and he's got a gentle spirit and has been such a blessing, so if you would lift them up, I know they would love that.
And to close it out for the day, I thought I would pass on some thoughts from having read Scott Hamilton's biography ("The Great Eight: finding happiness when you have every reason to be miserable"). Yes, he's the ice skater who does backflips--and if you wonder why I know that, basically I grew up watching him skate in all my 10 years as a figure skater. Yeah--if you didn't know I skated, please just picture me out there towering over the 4-foot-nothings who spent forever at the rink, and then I give you permission to laugh. Anyway, I saw Scott's bio at Family Christian Stores and was not aware he was a believer, so I figured it'd be an interesting read. Some of it was a little cheesy as he related secrets to finding happiness all to figure skating, but he did have some good points, and the guy has gone through cancer and then years later a brain tumor, so I feel like he's got the experience from which to talk about finding happiness when he probably "should have been miserable." One of the things he talked about rang very true with me--and still does--as he talked of how he and others referred to cancer as both the worst thing that had ever happened to them as well as the best thing that had ever happened. While I'm not quite feeling like it's at either of those ends--or at least not the best thing that's ever happened to me--it is true that, despite the crappiness of this whole deal, being through all of this has really shown me how many blessings God has given me. I've already said again and again how grateful I am for all of your prayers, encouragement, messages, and support--and I mean that! I also can't even begin to mention the number of friends who have been so faithful in praying for me and showing me so much love--and how humbling when at times I have been frustrated with some of these friendships because I've felt that they were unbalanced. And then, of course, they have been some of the most faithful to lift me up and send me encouraging messages. So even just seeing how God is faithful, how ironic His plans and timing are, and learning to embrace the body of believers--broken and all--have all just been things making the unfortunate circumstance of cancer one of the better occasions in my life, just like Scott recounted.
And that's all I have for now. My computer is dying, I am watching the movie Mary Poppins now, and I should probably clean up my room soon...But seriously, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I pray that you will be blessed this week and that Easter will be such a great one this year--not just fading into all the other celebrations you've had, but that Christ's sacrifice would really make an impact!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Ok--this is probably going to be a long one--there's a good amount to update, so buckle up. :)
First, let's start with a low and go back to over a week ago (Friday, March 27th) when I was doing my tests/scans at Northwestern. I started out at 8am with the Pulmonary Function test, then moved to the MUGA scan for my heart at 9:15, and I finished up with the CT scan at 12pm. At my 8th chemo treatment on March 18th, my nurse Michelle was having a hard time finding a vein (they're hiding, I believe, because they know what's coming), and we realized that I hadn't had much water, which I guess makes it harder to find veins anyway. So, I've been trying to drink more water, but when it came time for these tests, you can't eat or drink anything for like 12 hours prior to the CT scan, so the lack of hydration, plus the fact that my veins hate needles these days contributed to lots of nurses poking my skin to get good veins. For the MUGA and CT scans, each injection/IV took at least 15 minutes and at least 3 pokes per scan to get a working vein. With the MUGA scan, I guess some got out of the vein, so I got this awesome (slash NOT) bubble under the skin in my left hand, and then for the CT scan, the contrast or dye that they inserted was into a pretty small vein in my other hand, and it basically felt like I was getting stung by a bee for two minutes. But, when they offered to slow it down, it still hurt, and I figured that if it was gonna drag out the pain, I'd rather just go fast and get it over with. To top off my "terrible, horrible, very bad day" (throwback to childhood books), I had to drink the sicknasty Barium Sulfate again for the CT scan, which again, I downed by plugging my nose and chugging. Basically, when I got in my car to drive back to Wheaton, I had HAD it. I was sick of being poked, sick of having all these ugly bruises from all the pokes, and was feeling like it was all just cruel to have to feel like a lab rat, pretty much. So, I had a short teary moment while driving back, which I think has been one of the only mini-meltdowns I've had in all this, PTL. You would think that I would lose it after chemo, but no, apparently the tests did it for me--I was just tired of it all.
My thoughts on the drive back ran something like this: I can look back on most things that have been struggles in my life, and I can see that God has used each of those to strengthen and grow me, all of which have prepared me to go through the next trial. And I KNOW that--that He is so faithful in using each thing to draw me to Him and prepare me to make it through whatever He has for me. But then, I started asking "Oh Lord, is this as hard as it gets? Because if this is all preparing me for something worse in the future, then that sucks and I don't even want to think about that." And, while I know that I am lucky in all of this and that this isn't even THAT bad always, I was just low. Also, I realize that, it's not like you go through something difficult and then God says, "Ok, you've paid your dues. It's all smooth sailing from here"--and I don't expect that anyway. But, those were my thoughts, and so I would love prayers again to persevere, but also to keep growing and learning what He has for me, as well as to keep trusting in His sovereignty.
So, I share all this to share a low and be real with where I was last week, and also to contrast that with some highs. Since those darn tests, I've gotten to celebrate birthdays and wedding showers with friends, hang out with some other good buds, and on Tuesday night, my friend Aniela and I went line dancing, which was a nice reminder of home and got me excited about the summer back in the south. :) On Thursday, my dad came in for chemo #9--hallelujah for now being 75% of the way through this!!! Definitely praise the Lord for that!! Back to the hospital--my dad arrived, and we met with my nurse practitioner Sarah Miyata who gave me the test results from the previous week. She said they looked good--the MUGA scan was great, the CT scan was great, and I have been in remission for two months now! She did add that my pulmonary function (lung) test came back still in normal range, but it showed that my own function was 10% lower than the last time. That could either be due to chemo-induced anemia (which iron supplements will not help since it's chemically induced), or it could be the result of one of the drugs, the Bleomycin, which can adversely affect the lungs. The doctors are a little unsure of how effective the Bleo is anyway--and other countries do not even use it in this regimen (apparently we overtreat here). If the lower lung function is due to anemia, that will go back up after chemo is over, but if the lower results are due to damage from the Bleo, that could be permanent. So, they've decided that we can do without it for the rest of the treatment, so I'm now on AVD treatment. :) Yay for getting to drop a poison. :) Bummer, though, that when my dad asked if this one caused hair loss, I asked if it made me feel flu-like, and we asked about mouth pain, the answers were all in the negative, so of all the drugs we're dropping, of course it would be the one that doesn't really have awful side effects. But, hey! The less poison you have to get is always a good thing, I say.
Also to note is that my counts are again super low. Like at 100. So I pretty much am almost immune system-less. Sarah always cautions me against germs, and I don't think I would ever tell her I flew on three planes, hung out in Times Square and theaters, and danced at a wedding over spring break...apparently the fact that I played volleyball against my 14 year old kids at practice last week made her nervous (then I found out she's married to an infectious disease doctor). Anyway, when she heard even about volleyball and me flying home for Easter next week, she told me to be VERY careful and was shocked that I hadn't gotten sick yet, due to my counts being off the charts...in a low way. She said, "Well, whatever you're doing--keep doing it!" to which I replied, "LOTS of prayer." So, thank you IMMENSELY for all of your prayers against illness--seriously, what a blessing that I haven't had a fever, haven't had to go to the hospital, and on top of that, that I've been able to enjoy a lot of stuff during my final semester at Wheaton. I mean, I still spend a good amount of time on the couch every other week, but in the good weeks, it hasn't held me back TOO much, so PRAISE THE LORD! I'm not superstitious and have never knocked on wood, but I will definitely ask for continued prayers against sickness, fever, and any other illness. And please know that every prayer for me has definitely had an impact, so thanks for being a huge part of this team that goes beyond the doctors, nurses, etc., and really shows what the body of Christ means.
A couple more things--my dad and I got to see Mary Poppins in Chicago on Friday night, which I had seen in NYC a couple years ago, but it was just as good here! Afterward we continued the tradition of waiting at the stage door from New York, and we got some autographs, which was fun, too. Plus it was good time with my dad and hanging out a little in the city. I'm a sucker for musicals--call me cheesy, since I realize in real life people do not break out into spontaneous song, but I still love them, so that was great. Other than that, today I'm taking it fairly lazy, and tomorrow (Monday) and Tuesday will be days 5 and 6, so I'm parking it on this futon for a while. On Thursday, however, I get to fly home for Easter, which will be good family time again, and I'll get to see Madelyn, who turns 17 on Tuesday. SCARRRRYYYY. We're getting old. No way my little sister is almost a high school senior. Or that I'm almost a college graduate. Also, since apparently this is birthday week on steroids, I'm gonna go ahead and give a "happy birthday!" shoutout to Smashlie, Lando, Little J, Madelyn, and Jerri just because I can. :)
And back on to more serious things--as for prayer, the continued "health" prayers are huge, and for safety travelling, perseverance, etc. But also, at treatment on Thursday, my nurse Michelle told us that Dr. Gordon's wife was just diagnosed (for the second time) with breast cancer, so if you could be praying for my doctor and his wife--for healing, encouragement, and perseverance, that would be great. He's been a great doctor, and he's got a gentle spirit and has been such a blessing, so if you would lift them up, I know they would love that.
And to close it out for the day, I thought I would pass on some thoughts from having read Scott Hamilton's biography ("The Great Eight: finding happiness when you have every reason to be miserable"). Yes, he's the ice skater who does backflips--and if you wonder why I know that, basically I grew up watching him skate in all my 10 years as a figure skater. Yeah--if you didn't know I skated, please just picture me out there towering over the 4-foot-nothings who spent forever at the rink, and then I give you permission to laugh. Anyway, I saw Scott's bio at Family Christian Stores and was not aware he was a believer, so I figured it'd be an interesting read. Some of it was a little cheesy as he related secrets to finding happiness all to figure skating, but he did have some good points, and the guy has gone through cancer and then years later a brain tumor, so I feel like he's got the experience from which to talk about finding happiness when he probably "should have been miserable." One of the things he talked about rang very true with me--and still does--as he talked of how he and others referred to cancer as both the worst thing that had ever happened to them as well as the best thing that had ever happened. While I'm not quite feeling like it's at either of those ends--or at least not the best thing that's ever happened to me--it is true that, despite the crappiness of this whole deal, being through all of this has really shown me how many blessings God has given me. I've already said again and again how grateful I am for all of your prayers, encouragement, messages, and support--and I mean that! I also can't even begin to mention the number of friends who have been so faithful in praying for me and showing me so much love--and how humbling when at times I have been frustrated with some of these friendships because I've felt that they were unbalanced. And then, of course, they have been some of the most faithful to lift me up and send me encouraging messages. So even just seeing how God is faithful, how ironic His plans and timing are, and learning to embrace the body of believers--broken and all--have all just been things making the unfortunate circumstance of cancer one of the better occasions in my life, just like Scott recounted.
And that's all I have for now. My computer is dying, I am watching the movie Mary Poppins now, and I should probably clean up my room soon...But seriously, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I pray that you will be blessed this week and that Easter will be such a great one this year--not just fading into all the other celebrations you've had, but that Christ's sacrifice would really make an impact!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Thursday, March 26, 2009
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" --Psalm 73:26
It is another beautiful day, and since there's a ton of stuff on my to-do list and only a couple things to update, this is going to be another one of the very rare short posts. BUT, I do want to let everyone know about my scans and such. So, here goes...
I have my Pulmonary Function Test tomorrow (Friday) morning at 8am at Northwestern, my MUGA following that at 9:15am, and my CT scan tomorrow at 12pm. Apparently I don't actually need to do another PET scan since the last one was clear, so for now, those three tests are the ones on the calendar. The scheduler said that Dr. Gordon should have the results by Tuesday, but since I have another treatment next week, I'm guessing we'll find out the results when we go in.
As for treatment number 9 next week, I've switched it back to Thursday, so April 2nd is the big day for treatment, results, and visiting with the doctor. I feel all over the place, having changed my treatment schedule like 50 times, but while Wednesday works better to feel well for class on Tuesdays, it's not conducive to my parents coming up to the doctor visits and it also makes me feel bad over the weekends, which means I miss other commitments that I have. So, I'll just have to tough out every other Tuesday until the end of the semester.
Last thing for now--I don't think I've shared many specific ways to be praying lately other than for perseverance, but I would LOVE prayers for focus and to finish strong. "Finish Strong" is an adopted motto of mine (thank you K-West and AO), and as the semester, school year, and my college career all come to a close, I would love prayer for that. Additionally, my nurse Michelle told me that they joke about "chemo brain" which makes it hard for people to focus while undergoing chemo, but I pretty much shrugged that off. In my mind, I already take a stimulant to help me focus when it's hard to concentrate, so I figured at least I had some experience there. However, my nurse was right--which is good because we'd like my nurses and doctors to know what they're talking about. As the semester's winding down, I'm applying for jobs, and I need to be staying on task, which has been so much harder than I imagined. Sounds lame, and I feel lame for saying it, but it's true. So, I would love continued prayers for perseverance, focus, and to finish strong.
As always, I appreciate everything. SO MUCH. I will not get tired of saying that. I was talking to my roommate Rachel yesterday, and I explained that, while I've definitely learned a lot and grown so much in my faith in all of this, more than feeling like I've had these sublimely incredible experiences with the Lord, I feel like the emphasis has been more toward learning to lean on and grow with other believers--the body of Christ. As I've said, I'm fairly independent--it's just easier for me to do my own thing and I'm pretty good at doing just that--but this has been so great, not only "restoring my faith in others" as I've talked about before, but also with really realizing the necessity of being a PART of the body of believers. While we're not supposed to go to our friends for everything--God still wants our all--at the same time, we are made for relationships, and fellowship is HUGE. So, REALLY, thank you. :) Have a great day!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
I have my Pulmonary Function Test tomorrow (Friday) morning at 8am at Northwestern, my MUGA following that at 9:15am, and my CT scan tomorrow at 12pm. Apparently I don't actually need to do another PET scan since the last one was clear, so for now, those three tests are the ones on the calendar. The scheduler said that Dr. Gordon should have the results by Tuesday, but since I have another treatment next week, I'm guessing we'll find out the results when we go in.
As for treatment number 9 next week, I've switched it back to Thursday, so April 2nd is the big day for treatment, results, and visiting with the doctor. I feel all over the place, having changed my treatment schedule like 50 times, but while Wednesday works better to feel well for class on Tuesdays, it's not conducive to my parents coming up to the doctor visits and it also makes me feel bad over the weekends, which means I miss other commitments that I have. So, I'll just have to tough out every other Tuesday until the end of the semester.
Last thing for now--I don't think I've shared many specific ways to be praying lately other than for perseverance, but I would LOVE prayers for focus and to finish strong. "Finish Strong" is an adopted motto of mine (thank you K-West and AO), and as the semester, school year, and my college career all come to a close, I would love prayer for that. Additionally, my nurse Michelle told me that they joke about "chemo brain" which makes it hard for people to focus while undergoing chemo, but I pretty much shrugged that off. In my mind, I already take a stimulant to help me focus when it's hard to concentrate, so I figured at least I had some experience there. However, my nurse was right--which is good because we'd like my nurses and doctors to know what they're talking about. As the semester's winding down, I'm applying for jobs, and I need to be staying on task, which has been so much harder than I imagined. Sounds lame, and I feel lame for saying it, but it's true. So, I would love continued prayers for perseverance, focus, and to finish strong.
As always, I appreciate everything. SO MUCH. I will not get tired of saying that. I was talking to my roommate Rachel yesterday, and I explained that, while I've definitely learned a lot and grown so much in my faith in all of this, more than feeling like I've had these sublimely incredible experiences with the Lord, I feel like the emphasis has been more toward learning to lean on and grow with other believers--the body of Christ. As I've said, I'm fairly independent--it's just easier for me to do my own thing and I'm pretty good at doing just that--but this has been so great, not only "restoring my faith in others" as I've talked about before, but also with really realizing the necessity of being a PART of the body of believers. While we're not supposed to go to our friends for everything--God still wants our all--at the same time, we are made for relationships, and fellowship is HUGE. So, REALLY, thank you. :) Have a great day!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
"...we went through fire and water, but You brought us to a place of abundance." -Psalm 66:12
Happy St. Patrick's Day! Today is officially an amazing day, in my opinion, because it is 75 degrees outside (yes, in Wheaton, IL in MARCH!) and sunny, too! Plus, I am still riding high from having an amazing time over the past week, so I am soaking it all in right now.
First, to comment on Psalm 66:12--I read this last night, and it just seemed so poignant--what with having read "The Red Sea Rules," and being reminded of how the same God who faithfully brought the Israelites through the Red Sea brings us through our trials and the hard times just as faithfully. Also, there's a great Ginny Owens song that I first heard in middle school probably, and I have so loved it since then. It's called "If You Want Me To," and my favorite part of it says,
"Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first steps, and I'm clinging to
the promise that You're not through with me yet. So if all of these
trials bring me closer to You, then I will go through the fire if You
want me to. It may not be the way I would've chosen, when You lead me
through a world that's not my home. But You never said it would be easy,
You only said I'll never go alone."
Anyway, when I read Psalm 66 last night and I made it to verse 12, I was reminded of the Red Sea Rules and of this song, both of which have great points in encouraging us to press on and trust in the One that is faithful and who can and WILL bring us through any and every trial, bringing us to a place of abundance with Him.
So, that was a huge encouragement to me, especially because, I'll be really honest with you: I'm tired of this whole "chemo thing." It's pretty lame, in my opinion. Currently, I can't really straighten my left arm due to the effects of the drugs on my vein which make my arm really painful and my veins ropey (if that's actually a word). Also, I have one vein so tight that I'm slightly convinced that if I do straighten my left arm, my vein might just snap in half or something. My perseverance is being tested, so for those of you who are praying specifically for that, THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU!!! That said, I have been shown lately--through encouragement, reminders of God's faithfulness, and hearing some REALLY tough stories lately about other people battling intense cancers and other hardships--that I am so blessed in all of this, no matter how my sarcastic and slightly pessimistic self might otherwise try to be convinced at times.
Speaking of blessing...last week was GREAT! I said I would write on here before I left, but clearly that didn't happen--getting out of town is always a whirlwind for me, and this time was no exception. We had some minor flooding issues Sunday night, and the Armstrongs (my stand-in family up here in Wheaton who have all been the biggest blessing to my time here and can't adequately be bragged about) came over for many-an-hour during the chaos to fix the sump pump and backup that both quit on us. PTL that I was still in town--it was spring break, so any other year, I would've peaced out ASAP to get me some sun, but since I'd had treatment, day 5 and 6 fell on Sunday and Monday, so I didn't leave for my trip until Tuesday morning. So, as much as I was moping on the couch about having to be here when it was eerily empty around Wheaton with everyone else gone, PTL that I was here to see the water instead of only finding it once it had flooded everything, and PTL that the Armstrongs are great under pressure and handle pretty much every situation with grace and peace. So anyway, amidst the chaos of water being in places it shouldn't have been, I was trying to muster up energy and focus enough to pack and get out of town, so I carried on the legacy of being a whirlwind when getting out of town like a pro.
Once I got to New York City, though, I had an awesome time! I got to spend some great quality time with Melissa (my first co-counselor from K-West-the-BEST), and we had a blast seeing the city. We saw two plays, and afterward we met some of the cast outside of both shows, which was fun because Lauren Graham (Lorelei from Gilmore Girls) and Oliver Platt were in Guys and Dolls, so we met them and got their autographs. We also toured NBC studios and saw behind-the-scenes of the Today Show and Nightly News with Brian Williams. We couldn't see SNL's studio which was a bummer, and the second bummer was that the REASON we couldn't see SNL was because Kelly Clarkson was up there practicing for the show on Saturday, and as I want to be her, I was disappointed at being so close but so far, but life goes on. We did a ton of other stuff, so it was just fun being there and actually being able to walk around a lot and have the energy to do NYC.
Saturday afternoon I flew to Houston from New York for my cousin Elaine's wedding. IT WAS SUCH A BLAST! I am still just like so full of joy from having been there with my family and from the fun that we had! Elaine is the oldest of all the McGinnis cousins, and after her, we've had at least one graduation--and sometimes two--pretty much every year, so we're all packed in there age-wise. This was kind of kicking off what will be a fun succession of many McGinnis cousin weddings, and the wedding was BEAUTIFUL. My Aunt Janis (Elaine's mom) did an incredible job planning and my Aunt Karen did an awesome job coordinating everything, so the bar has been set really high. My dad was sitting back and observing for a good portion of the wedding, and I'm guessing right now he's happy that he's got a while until he has to start paying for three weddings. Anyway, I had so much fun and was just reminded the whole time with how incredible my family is and how extremely blessed I am to have them for family, to have grown up with them, and to still be close with my cousins. So, it was even just a blessing to have that reminder at a time when I was really annoyed with feeling like we've come so far but still have so far to go with this dumb cancer.
And with that, on to the update about treatment. So, tomorrow I have chemo #8. Holla-lujah! (shoutout to Ashley Gross for that term) The bummer news we found out from the last treatment was that, we will pretty much be doing all 12 treatments. They had said there was a possibility we would only do 8, so we were being hopeful--while trying to be realistic--that there was a small chance this could end sooner than planned. But, this past treatment, Dr. Gordon was explaining the criteria by which they would make that decision, and it sounds like if my MUGA scan (for my heart) and the Pulmonary Function test (lungs) after this treatment come back showing that the chemo has done any damage to my heart or lungs, THEN we will stop treatment. So, basically, although I would LOVE to only have to do 8 treatments, I'm thinking permanent damage to my heart and lungs sounds like a bad idea, so now we're kind of hoping that the report comes back saying my heart and lungs are fine and we're going all the way to 12. While we knew the chances were slim to stop at 8 anyway, the possibility was encouraging to me, so after this last news which pretty much shot down hope for me, my angst toward "dumb chemo" set in, thus the need for perseverance. On the upside, we ARE at chemo 8, and four months ago, that seemed like a REALLY long time away. As much as chemo is a drag, time is flying. Today I started the final quad of my Wheaton career, so I'm down to 8 weeks of college. Gosh that's scary. I am nowhere near competent at life to be a real adult, yet. Maybe after the next 5 chemo treatments, I will feel differently...?
So, that's the report from me now. OH---except, I would like to close with an excerpt from a book that my mom's sisters sent her for our "chemo-day care packages" that they so faithfully send (shoutout to Aunt Karen, Aunt Debi, and Aunt Jill!) to all of us for each treatment. My mom passed on "Same Kind of Different as Me," by Ron Hall and Denver Moore, and while I am usually against reading popular Christian books (call me a literature snob or just stubborn), I am putting my literary stamp of endorsement on this book. Keep some tissues with you, though. I had to stop reading it on the airplane to New York because I think the man next to me was getting concerned about me. Anyway, it's a great story of two men from completely different worlds and how they end up forming a relationship and what happens along the way. Read it. So, here's something Ron Hall writes about at the end of the book as he's reflecting upon this unexpected journey he's been on and talks about the pain and tears he still has (and I'm trying not to give too much away...):
"And I cannot mask my disappointment that God did not answer yes to our
prayers for healing. I think He's okay with that. One of the phrases we
evangelicals like to throw around is that Christianity is 'not just a
religion; it's a relationship.'I believe that, which is why I know that
when my faith was shattered and I raged against Him, He still accepted me.
And even though I have penciled a black mark in His column, I can be
honest about it. That's what a relationship is all about."
You may or may not agree with that, but when I got to that at the end of the book, it just resonated so greatly with me. I remember telling Melissa during the fall, right after I had hurt my knee in volleyball, that I "just needed a victory right now." Well, two weeks later, our season ended with us NOT going to playoffs for the first time in my Wheaton career, and then next week the frenzy of going to doctors started. And yet, God TOTALLY supplied me with the perseverance I needed at that point because, when I made that statement to Melissa, if you had told me that I was fixing to find out I had cancer, I would've had a bigger meltdown than the one I was having at that point, so again, He is so faithful! My situation is nowhere NEAR as hard to handle as Ron's and so many others--I was thinking of my friend since kindergarten Liz Allbright and her amazing family in dealing with her mom's passing as I read the book--there are so many that I mentioned I've been hearing about lately, and I am reminded again of how light this trial is in contrast to what they're going through. But, I do nevertheless resonate with feeling so disappointed that God has not answered "yes" to many prayers over the past six months, and what's more, I have definitely been learning what Ron says next: that he thinks God's okay with us being disappointed that He hasn't answered certain prayers in ways we'd like. As bad as that sounds, it IS, in fact, about a relationship, and since He knows how I'm actually feeling deep down inside, I'm seeing that there's absolutely no point in acting like I'm happy with dumb cancer or like I'm actually excited that He said "no" to a prayer. That's not real, and from my experience, that's groundwork for a pretty lame relationship. Furthermore, I liked that Ron talked about "penciling a black mark in that column," because I feel like that at times, and I'm glad I'm not the only one! I KNOW through and through that God is faithful, and I am absolutely sure that His plans for me are so much better than I could imagine (see previous post...), but that doesn't mean that I am always happy about it or that I forget and gloss over my disappointment. I wish I could forget the great disappointment I felt years ago when I was rejected from UNC, but, even in that now-insignificant time, I think I probably penciled a black mark in the column of disappointment and prayers answered other than how I wanted. And, what's most important about all of this rambling of mine is that, since it IS a relationship, like Ron says, "I can be honest about it," and He is not going to "catch-and-release" me when I am honest.
Whew. All of that is to say two things: (1) I am so thankful that we have a dynamic relationship with God and that He's okay with me being me--cynical at times, sarcastic most of the time, and a glorious MESS all the time and (2) you really should read "Same Kind of Different as Me." :)
Congratulations on making it through yet another loooong post. I've been storing up these thoughts, and now that they're out, I feel like I need a nap or something. Thank you for your prayers and for the million ways you have blessed me with your words, scrapbook pages, cards, e-mails, and everything else under the sun. I hope you have a blessed day (holla for the Irish!), and that you know that God is faithful to carry us through each trial, frustration, and even each day.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
First, to comment on Psalm 66:12--I read this last night, and it just seemed so poignant--what with having read "The Red Sea Rules," and being reminded of how the same God who faithfully brought the Israelites through the Red Sea brings us through our trials and the hard times just as faithfully. Also, there's a great Ginny Owens song that I first heard in middle school probably, and I have so loved it since then. It's called "If You Want Me To," and my favorite part of it says,
"Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first steps, and I'm clinging to
the promise that You're not through with me yet. So if all of these
trials bring me closer to You, then I will go through the fire if You
want me to. It may not be the way I would've chosen, when You lead me
through a world that's not my home. But You never said it would be easy,
You only said I'll never go alone."
Anyway, when I read Psalm 66 last night and I made it to verse 12, I was reminded of the Red Sea Rules and of this song, both of which have great points in encouraging us to press on and trust in the One that is faithful and who can and WILL bring us through any and every trial, bringing us to a place of abundance with Him.
So, that was a huge encouragement to me, especially because, I'll be really honest with you: I'm tired of this whole "chemo thing." It's pretty lame, in my opinion. Currently, I can't really straighten my left arm due to the effects of the drugs on my vein which make my arm really painful and my veins ropey (if that's actually a word). Also, I have one vein so tight that I'm slightly convinced that if I do straighten my left arm, my vein might just snap in half or something. My perseverance is being tested, so for those of you who are praying specifically for that, THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU!!! That said, I have been shown lately--through encouragement, reminders of God's faithfulness, and hearing some REALLY tough stories lately about other people battling intense cancers and other hardships--that I am so blessed in all of this, no matter how my sarcastic and slightly pessimistic self might otherwise try to be convinced at times.
Speaking of blessing...last week was GREAT! I said I would write on here before I left, but clearly that didn't happen--getting out of town is always a whirlwind for me, and this time was no exception. We had some minor flooding issues Sunday night, and the Armstrongs (my stand-in family up here in Wheaton who have all been the biggest blessing to my time here and can't adequately be bragged about) came over for many-an-hour during the chaos to fix the sump pump and backup that both quit on us. PTL that I was still in town--it was spring break, so any other year, I would've peaced out ASAP to get me some sun, but since I'd had treatment, day 5 and 6 fell on Sunday and Monday, so I didn't leave for my trip until Tuesday morning. So, as much as I was moping on the couch about having to be here when it was eerily empty around Wheaton with everyone else gone, PTL that I was here to see the water instead of only finding it once it had flooded everything, and PTL that the Armstrongs are great under pressure and handle pretty much every situation with grace and peace. So anyway, amidst the chaos of water being in places it shouldn't have been, I was trying to muster up energy and focus enough to pack and get out of town, so I carried on the legacy of being a whirlwind when getting out of town like a pro.
Once I got to New York City, though, I had an awesome time! I got to spend some great quality time with Melissa (my first co-counselor from K-West-the-BEST), and we had a blast seeing the city. We saw two plays, and afterward we met some of the cast outside of both shows, which was fun because Lauren Graham (Lorelei from Gilmore Girls) and Oliver Platt were in Guys and Dolls, so we met them and got their autographs. We also toured NBC studios and saw behind-the-scenes of the Today Show and Nightly News with Brian Williams. We couldn't see SNL's studio which was a bummer, and the second bummer was that the REASON we couldn't see SNL was because Kelly Clarkson was up there practicing for the show on Saturday, and as I want to be her, I was disappointed at being so close but so far, but life goes on. We did a ton of other stuff, so it was just fun being there and actually being able to walk around a lot and have the energy to do NYC.
Saturday afternoon I flew to Houston from New York for my cousin Elaine's wedding. IT WAS SUCH A BLAST! I am still just like so full of joy from having been there with my family and from the fun that we had! Elaine is the oldest of all the McGinnis cousins, and after her, we've had at least one graduation--and sometimes two--pretty much every year, so we're all packed in there age-wise. This was kind of kicking off what will be a fun succession of many McGinnis cousin weddings, and the wedding was BEAUTIFUL. My Aunt Janis (Elaine's mom) did an incredible job planning and my Aunt Karen did an awesome job coordinating everything, so the bar has been set really high. My dad was sitting back and observing for a good portion of the wedding, and I'm guessing right now he's happy that he's got a while until he has to start paying for three weddings. Anyway, I had so much fun and was just reminded the whole time with how incredible my family is and how extremely blessed I am to have them for family, to have grown up with them, and to still be close with my cousins. So, it was even just a blessing to have that reminder at a time when I was really annoyed with feeling like we've come so far but still have so far to go with this dumb cancer.
And with that, on to the update about treatment. So, tomorrow I have chemo #8. Holla-lujah! (shoutout to Ashley Gross for that term) The bummer news we found out from the last treatment was that, we will pretty much be doing all 12 treatments. They had said there was a possibility we would only do 8, so we were being hopeful--while trying to be realistic--that there was a small chance this could end sooner than planned. But, this past treatment, Dr. Gordon was explaining the criteria by which they would make that decision, and it sounds like if my MUGA scan (for my heart) and the Pulmonary Function test (lungs) after this treatment come back showing that the chemo has done any damage to my heart or lungs, THEN we will stop treatment. So, basically, although I would LOVE to only have to do 8 treatments, I'm thinking permanent damage to my heart and lungs sounds like a bad idea, so now we're kind of hoping that the report comes back saying my heart and lungs are fine and we're going all the way to 12. While we knew the chances were slim to stop at 8 anyway, the possibility was encouraging to me, so after this last news which pretty much shot down hope for me, my angst toward "dumb chemo" set in, thus the need for perseverance. On the upside, we ARE at chemo 8, and four months ago, that seemed like a REALLY long time away. As much as chemo is a drag, time is flying. Today I started the final quad of my Wheaton career, so I'm down to 8 weeks of college. Gosh that's scary. I am nowhere near competent at life to be a real adult, yet. Maybe after the next 5 chemo treatments, I will feel differently...?
So, that's the report from me now. OH---except, I would like to close with an excerpt from a book that my mom's sisters sent her for our "chemo-day care packages" that they so faithfully send (shoutout to Aunt Karen, Aunt Debi, and Aunt Jill!) to all of us for each treatment. My mom passed on "Same Kind of Different as Me," by Ron Hall and Denver Moore, and while I am usually against reading popular Christian books (call me a literature snob or just stubborn), I am putting my literary stamp of endorsement on this book. Keep some tissues with you, though. I had to stop reading it on the airplane to New York because I think the man next to me was getting concerned about me. Anyway, it's a great story of two men from completely different worlds and how they end up forming a relationship and what happens along the way. Read it. So, here's something Ron Hall writes about at the end of the book as he's reflecting upon this unexpected journey he's been on and talks about the pain and tears he still has (and I'm trying not to give too much away...):
"And I cannot mask my disappointment that God did not answer yes to our
prayers for healing. I think He's okay with that. One of the phrases we
evangelicals like to throw around is that Christianity is 'not just a
religion; it's a relationship.'I believe that, which is why I know that
when my faith was shattered and I raged against Him, He still accepted me.
And even though I have penciled a black mark in His column, I can be
honest about it. That's what a relationship is all about."
You may or may not agree with that, but when I got to that at the end of the book, it just resonated so greatly with me. I remember telling Melissa during the fall, right after I had hurt my knee in volleyball, that I "just needed a victory right now." Well, two weeks later, our season ended with us NOT going to playoffs for the first time in my Wheaton career, and then next week the frenzy of going to doctors started. And yet, God TOTALLY supplied me with the perseverance I needed at that point because, when I made that statement to Melissa, if you had told me that I was fixing to find out I had cancer, I would've had a bigger meltdown than the one I was having at that point, so again, He is so faithful! My situation is nowhere NEAR as hard to handle as Ron's and so many others--I was thinking of my friend since kindergarten Liz Allbright and her amazing family in dealing with her mom's passing as I read the book--there are so many that I mentioned I've been hearing about lately, and I am reminded again of how light this trial is in contrast to what they're going through. But, I do nevertheless resonate with feeling so disappointed that God has not answered "yes" to many prayers over the past six months, and what's more, I have definitely been learning what Ron says next: that he thinks God's okay with us being disappointed that He hasn't answered certain prayers in ways we'd like. As bad as that sounds, it IS, in fact, about a relationship, and since He knows how I'm actually feeling deep down inside, I'm seeing that there's absolutely no point in acting like I'm happy with dumb cancer or like I'm actually excited that He said "no" to a prayer. That's not real, and from my experience, that's groundwork for a pretty lame relationship. Furthermore, I liked that Ron talked about "penciling a black mark in that column," because I feel like that at times, and I'm glad I'm not the only one! I KNOW through and through that God is faithful, and I am absolutely sure that His plans for me are so much better than I could imagine (see previous post...), but that doesn't mean that I am always happy about it or that I forget and gloss over my disappointment. I wish I could forget the great disappointment I felt years ago when I was rejected from UNC, but, even in that now-insignificant time, I think I probably penciled a black mark in the column of disappointment and prayers answered other than how I wanted. And, what's most important about all of this rambling of mine is that, since it IS a relationship, like Ron says, "I can be honest about it," and He is not going to "catch-and-release" me when I am honest.
Whew. All of that is to say two things: (1) I am so thankful that we have a dynamic relationship with God and that He's okay with me being me--cynical at times, sarcastic most of the time, and a glorious MESS all the time and (2) you really should read "Same Kind of Different as Me." :)
Congratulations on making it through yet another loooong post. I've been storing up these thoughts, and now that they're out, I feel like I need a nap or something. Thank you for your prayers and for the million ways you have blessed me with your words, scrapbook pages, cards, e-mails, and everything else under the sun. I hope you have a blessed day (holla for the Irish!), and that you know that God is faithful to carry us through each trial, frustration, and even each day.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Monday, March 2, 2009
"Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains..." Psalm 36:5-6a
What a great Psalm! I'm sure many of you know this from the song aptly titled "Your Love O Lord," which, in its own right, is a great song. I have a very vivid memory of standing on a beach in the Dominican Republic the summer after my senior year of high school, singing this song. It was the end of an incredible--and honestly life-changing--mission trip with my youth group from Bent Tree, and our team of 11 students and 2 leaders was de-briefing at a hotel in Santo Domingo. Part of that included team worship time on our last night, and that's where we come to me, standing on the beach, facing the ocean, mountains in the distance, a full moon, and not a cloud in the sky, singing this song, and just absolutely KNOWING the words to it and understanding it in such a real way. For many reasons this trip was so significant, and to close it out, it was probably the second greatest night of my life-- being able to look out to my surroundings and get such an incredible visual of these words: "Your love...reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness stretches to the skies. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice flows like the ocean's tide." The song goes on to say, "I will lift my voice to worship You, my King. And I will find my strength in the shadow of Your wings."
Having always loved these words and having a great memory/visual to which I can place them, they are such a good reminder in a time like this. On our trip, basically our whole construction plans of pouring a foundation were thwarted by an approaching hurricane that drenched the site and filled the trenches for our foundation with water. So, instead of accomplishing a good amount of manual labor, we ended up trying to get water (and frog eggs...sicknasty) out of the trenches each day, fixing rebar (sp?) and wondering why we were pretty much the most underachieving team Bent Tree had yet sent to the DR. However, since our elaborate construction plans all changed, the missionaries came up with a "plan b" which was to help clean one of the houses on site that the team the year before (that I was a part of) had mostly built, readying it for the first orphans to inhabit. Long-story-short, we got to move in the first people to the whole mission site, which was the fulfillment of the missionary's dream and the culmination of 25 years of work on his part to accomplish that dream.
And so, that whole experience typified what I've learned many times since--that often (and especially in my life), things go so far from the way we have planned them--and that can often seem like we've failed. But, God's plans are so much better than we could ever have imagined; the night we moved those orphans in was probably the greatest night of my life, and we wouldn't have been able to do that had the rain not thwarted our plans to make us the most "underachieving" team Bent Tree had ever sent to the DR. That lesson rings so true today--hey, I never would have picked lymphoma to cap off my senior year of college, and while it, like bailing out frog-infested waters in trenches in the DR, is not always a fun or easy learning process, God's plans are so much better than ours, and if we can just TRUST Him, His promises are true, and the end is better than we can imagine. The night after we moved in the orphans was the one on the beach, and that night, everything was so clear and put into great perspective--that His love truly never ends; that His faithfulness is beyond the heights up in that clear expanse of never-ending blue; that His righteousness is high and bold like those mountains in the distance; that His justice is as deep as that ocean and just keeps on coming like the ocean's tide. And now, I need that reminder--that, out of every situation in our lives, our response should be to lift our hands and our voices to worship Him, our King, as well as to truly find our strength in the shadow and comfort of God alone. I'll be honest--some days I'm better at that than others--yes, even while going through cancer. You'd think that, since sometimes it's just more natural (maybe not easier) to lean on the Lord alone during a trial, I'd be a pro at that right now. And then, you would be wrong.
Nevertheless, His faithfulness (which is never-ending in case you didn't get that the previous two times I mentioned it) continues, and praise the Lord that He loves us in spite of vacillating all the time between trusting Him and trusting ourselves. I like to consider myself a pretty consistent person--that was my best attribute out on that volleyball court--and yet, somehow the things I've learned in volleyball, while quite frequently carrying over into real life, have not ALL translated to my daily life here in the real world outside of the volleyball court. So sadly, even though this process of chemo, etc. is not fun and is not on my list of things I'd like to ever do again--and that would seem like it would make me perfectly consistent in trusting Him each day--that, lamentably, is not the case. But, depending on how you look at it, that could be a fortunate thing since it does have the effect of bringing me back to my knees in humility when I realize that, once again, I've been trying to do it on my own, and when faced with my own need and inability to actually DO it on my own, I am back to trusting in Him.
I just had some thoughts, had to reminisce about that night in the DR, and wanted to check in with the audience at home for a few minutes, but--SHOCK!--it seems I have already written a good amount! Now on to the more concrete details for those of you beaver-types who like the details more than the whimsical ramblings and spontaneity of us otters (if that reference escapes you, you probably should read the Treasure Tree book about personalities--it's a good read--illustrated and all :) ).
So anyway, it is Monday night, and this is our last week before Spring Break and my last quad (1/2 semester here at Wheaton) of college. OH MY GOSH. SCARRRRYYYY. You know, you push through college, at times thinking it will never end, only to throw on the brakes and live in denial of the fact that real life is coming more quickly than you actually really wanted that whole time. You all know the experience--wanting to get to the end and then, when it's within sight, feeling like a moron for having wanted so much to get there and for having wasted a lot of time along the way. That's me. right now. senior. scared. needing a job and not having a clue where I will be in 6 months (except, of course, doing my best to make sure that whatever I'm doing is located anywhere warm). I digress, however. I was mentioning how it is my spring break next week...well, it is TCA's spring break this week, so my mom and Madelyn are flying up tomorrow morning through Thursday morning to hang out in Chi-town with me and accompany me to treatment number 7. Please pray for their safety as they're traveling and that our time would be so sweet together. I love those guys! Also, pray that my dad would enjoy his time home alone--he said tonight that he gets only about three days absolutely to himself each year, so he's kinda looking forward to the next few days of not being around the women in his life. (this in no way offends me; poor guy has to deal with 4 ADD women all the time, so do not begrudge him for looking forward to some personal days). And, for the fourth McGinnis woman (Katie), here's a huge praise--she has a job in Child Life now at the hospital in Colorado Springs, so she is relieved to know what she is doing for a while and to have a place to live--things have been a little stressful for Katie in the Springs lately, so thanks for praying for her safety traveling out there and as she's been trying to figure out life.
After my mom and Madelyn leave, I'll be recovering from treatment 7 as we head into our spring break, so I'll be sure to update sometime before I leave for New York City next Tuesday (I'm going with my first co-counselor from Kanakuk K-West and subsequent bff Melissa Fain!). I'm so blessed to be going somewhere, and it's amazing that it worked out to be going somewhere with Melissa, too! At first we thought I'd have to just park it at home in Fairview for a week while my mom and Mad had school and my dad had work and all my friends are gone on their spring breaks, so really, I've been SO looking forward to this trip as something to brighten up the otherwise monotonous 2-week cycle of chemo treatments. After NYC, I'm heading to Houston for my cousin Elaine's wedding (!!!!), which will be great family time and so much fun to see all my cousins and family again--as I've said, we're a tight bunch. But, all of those details are most likely superfluous...it's getting late and I'm trailing off worse than normally...back to treatment 7. It's on Wednesday (so two days--March 4th) at 3pm. Being halfway done is amazing--what a praise and blessing--but at the same time, it's still a little daunting to know that what I've so far done, I now turn around and do all over again. So, I would love prayer for perseverance--I've known from day 1 that the support has been incredible and such, but I've also been very conscious from day 1 that, come the middle of this journey, it would be so much harder, and I guess I know myself to a good degree because that is the case. It's not unbearably hard, but it is harder right now for me than it was at the start, so perseverance to take one day at a time still, to stay in the Word daily, and to keep my eyes fixed on the goal of this, which is total healing, are all things I would love prayer for. Also, physically, as I'm heading into the much-longed-for trip to NYC, continuing prayers for health and recovery from this treatment (since I'll be flying on day 7, the first day of starting the upward slope of my tolerance for the chemo) would be great--also that I will be safe from germs. :) Last sidenote--and a huge praise!--last week I was supposed to hang out with three different people, all on different days, and at some point, each one called or texted to say they were sick and were gonna have to cancel. While I was a little bummed each time someone flaked, it was actually so cool to see in hindsight because I found out with each of the three of them after the fact that they had fevers and didn't know it when they canceled our hanging out. PTL! If someone has a cold, it's not really been a concern for me because I've had colds during this process and that's fine; it's the fever thing that gets me--if I get 100.5 or more, I have to go to the hospital, and since that's a pretty small margin of a temperature, what a praise that each person canceled on me! I'm finding many reasons to praise Him for things that, otherwise I might scoff at as small, and yet now that I can see are ways the Lord is looking out for me.
Ok, that's all for now. I'll check back in after chemo 7! Oh--last thing--and this will definitely incriminate me as a Texan, of which I am THRILLED to be accused--but Happy Texas Independence Day! Yes, this is a state holiday. Or a "national holiday" if you want to go REALLY Texan and talk about our state as a nation, since it WAS and all. :) I gotta get me back to the south...
Once again, thankyou thankyou thankyou for your love, prayers, and support. God bless, may you be warm, and may you KNOW that His love never ends, His faithfulness is so vast, His justice is so present and deep, and His righteousness is strong and great.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Having always loved these words and having a great memory/visual to which I can place them, they are such a good reminder in a time like this. On our trip, basically our whole construction plans of pouring a foundation were thwarted by an approaching hurricane that drenched the site and filled the trenches for our foundation with water. So, instead of accomplishing a good amount of manual labor, we ended up trying to get water (and frog eggs...sicknasty) out of the trenches each day, fixing rebar (sp?) and wondering why we were pretty much the most underachieving team Bent Tree had yet sent to the DR. However, since our elaborate construction plans all changed, the missionaries came up with a "plan b" which was to help clean one of the houses on site that the team the year before (that I was a part of) had mostly built, readying it for the first orphans to inhabit. Long-story-short, we got to move in the first people to the whole mission site, which was the fulfillment of the missionary's dream and the culmination of 25 years of work on his part to accomplish that dream.
And so, that whole experience typified what I've learned many times since--that often (and especially in my life), things go so far from the way we have planned them--and that can often seem like we've failed. But, God's plans are so much better than we could ever have imagined; the night we moved those orphans in was probably the greatest night of my life, and we wouldn't have been able to do that had the rain not thwarted our plans to make us the most "underachieving" team Bent Tree had ever sent to the DR. That lesson rings so true today--hey, I never would have picked lymphoma to cap off my senior year of college, and while it, like bailing out frog-infested waters in trenches in the DR, is not always a fun or easy learning process, God's plans are so much better than ours, and if we can just TRUST Him, His promises are true, and the end is better than we can imagine. The night after we moved in the orphans was the one on the beach, and that night, everything was so clear and put into great perspective--that His love truly never ends; that His faithfulness is beyond the heights up in that clear expanse of never-ending blue; that His righteousness is high and bold like those mountains in the distance; that His justice is as deep as that ocean and just keeps on coming like the ocean's tide. And now, I need that reminder--that, out of every situation in our lives, our response should be to lift our hands and our voices to worship Him, our King, as well as to truly find our strength in the shadow and comfort of God alone. I'll be honest--some days I'm better at that than others--yes, even while going through cancer. You'd think that, since sometimes it's just more natural (maybe not easier) to lean on the Lord alone during a trial, I'd be a pro at that right now. And then, you would be wrong.
Nevertheless, His faithfulness (which is never-ending in case you didn't get that the previous two times I mentioned it) continues, and praise the Lord that He loves us in spite of vacillating all the time between trusting Him and trusting ourselves. I like to consider myself a pretty consistent person--that was my best attribute out on that volleyball court--and yet, somehow the things I've learned in volleyball, while quite frequently carrying over into real life, have not ALL translated to my daily life here in the real world outside of the volleyball court. So sadly, even though this process of chemo, etc. is not fun and is not on my list of things I'd like to ever do again--and that would seem like it would make me perfectly consistent in trusting Him each day--that, lamentably, is not the case. But, depending on how you look at it, that could be a fortunate thing since it does have the effect of bringing me back to my knees in humility when I realize that, once again, I've been trying to do it on my own, and when faced with my own need and inability to actually DO it on my own, I am back to trusting in Him.
I just had some thoughts, had to reminisce about that night in the DR, and wanted to check in with the audience at home for a few minutes, but--SHOCK!--it seems I have already written a good amount! Now on to the more concrete details for those of you beaver-types who like the details more than the whimsical ramblings and spontaneity of us otters (if that reference escapes you, you probably should read the Treasure Tree book about personalities--it's a good read--illustrated and all :) ).
So anyway, it is Monday night, and this is our last week before Spring Break and my last quad (1/2 semester here at Wheaton) of college. OH MY GOSH. SCARRRRYYYY. You know, you push through college, at times thinking it will never end, only to throw on the brakes and live in denial of the fact that real life is coming more quickly than you actually really wanted that whole time. You all know the experience--wanting to get to the end and then, when it's within sight, feeling like a moron for having wanted so much to get there and for having wasted a lot of time along the way. That's me. right now. senior. scared. needing a job and not having a clue where I will be in 6 months (except, of course, doing my best to make sure that whatever I'm doing is located anywhere warm). I digress, however. I was mentioning how it is my spring break next week...well, it is TCA's spring break this week, so my mom and Madelyn are flying up tomorrow morning through Thursday morning to hang out in Chi-town with me and accompany me to treatment number 7. Please pray for their safety as they're traveling and that our time would be so sweet together. I love those guys! Also, pray that my dad would enjoy his time home alone--he said tonight that he gets only about three days absolutely to himself each year, so he's kinda looking forward to the next few days of not being around the women in his life. (this in no way offends me; poor guy has to deal with 4 ADD women all the time, so do not begrudge him for looking forward to some personal days). And, for the fourth McGinnis woman (Katie), here's a huge praise--she has a job in Child Life now at the hospital in Colorado Springs, so she is relieved to know what she is doing for a while and to have a place to live--things have been a little stressful for Katie in the Springs lately, so thanks for praying for her safety traveling out there and as she's been trying to figure out life.
After my mom and Madelyn leave, I'll be recovering from treatment 7 as we head into our spring break, so I'll be sure to update sometime before I leave for New York City next Tuesday (I'm going with my first co-counselor from Kanakuk K-West and subsequent bff Melissa Fain!). I'm so blessed to be going somewhere, and it's amazing that it worked out to be going somewhere with Melissa, too! At first we thought I'd have to just park it at home in Fairview for a week while my mom and Mad had school and my dad had work and all my friends are gone on their spring breaks, so really, I've been SO looking forward to this trip as something to brighten up the otherwise monotonous 2-week cycle of chemo treatments. After NYC, I'm heading to Houston for my cousin Elaine's wedding (!!!!), which will be great family time and so much fun to see all my cousins and family again--as I've said, we're a tight bunch. But, all of those details are most likely superfluous...it's getting late and I'm trailing off worse than normally...back to treatment 7. It's on Wednesday (so two days--March 4th) at 3pm. Being halfway done is amazing--what a praise and blessing--but at the same time, it's still a little daunting to know that what I've so far done, I now turn around and do all over again. So, I would love prayer for perseverance--I've known from day 1 that the support has been incredible and such, but I've also been very conscious from day 1 that, come the middle of this journey, it would be so much harder, and I guess I know myself to a good degree because that is the case. It's not unbearably hard, but it is harder right now for me than it was at the start, so perseverance to take one day at a time still, to stay in the Word daily, and to keep my eyes fixed on the goal of this, which is total healing, are all things I would love prayer for. Also, physically, as I'm heading into the much-longed-for trip to NYC, continuing prayers for health and recovery from this treatment (since I'll be flying on day 7, the first day of starting the upward slope of my tolerance for the chemo) would be great--also that I will be safe from germs. :) Last sidenote--and a huge praise!--last week I was supposed to hang out with three different people, all on different days, and at some point, each one called or texted to say they were sick and were gonna have to cancel. While I was a little bummed each time someone flaked, it was actually so cool to see in hindsight because I found out with each of the three of them after the fact that they had fevers and didn't know it when they canceled our hanging out. PTL! If someone has a cold, it's not really been a concern for me because I've had colds during this process and that's fine; it's the fever thing that gets me--if I get 100.5 or more, I have to go to the hospital, and since that's a pretty small margin of a temperature, what a praise that each person canceled on me! I'm finding many reasons to praise Him for things that, otherwise I might scoff at as small, and yet now that I can see are ways the Lord is looking out for me.
Ok, that's all for now. I'll check back in after chemo 7! Oh--last thing--and this will definitely incriminate me as a Texan, of which I am THRILLED to be accused--but Happy Texas Independence Day! Yes, this is a state holiday. Or a "national holiday" if you want to go REALLY Texan and talk about our state as a nation, since it WAS and all. :) I gotta get me back to the south...
Once again, thankyou thankyou thankyou for your love, prayers, and support. God bless, may you be warm, and may you KNOW that His love never ends, His faithfulness is so vast, His justice is so present and deep, and His righteousness is strong and great.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
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