What a great Psalm! I'm sure many of you know this from the song aptly titled "Your Love O Lord," which, in its own right, is a great song. I have a very vivid memory of standing on a beach in the Dominican Republic the summer after my senior year of high school, singing this song. It was the end of an incredible--and honestly life-changing--mission trip with my youth group from Bent Tree, and our team of 11 students and 2 leaders was de-briefing at a hotel in Santo Domingo. Part of that included team worship time on our last night, and that's where we come to me, standing on the beach, facing the ocean, mountains in the distance, a full moon, and not a cloud in the sky, singing this song, and just absolutely KNOWING the words to it and understanding it in such a real way. For many reasons this trip was so significant, and to close it out, it was probably the second greatest night of my life-- being able to look out to my surroundings and get such an incredible visual of these words: "Your love...reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness stretches to the skies. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice flows like the ocean's tide." The song goes on to say, "I will lift my voice to worship You, my King. And I will find my strength in the shadow of Your wings."
Having always loved these words and having a great memory/visual to which I can place them, they are such a good reminder in a time like this. On our trip, basically our whole construction plans of pouring a foundation were thwarted by an approaching hurricane that drenched the site and filled the trenches for our foundation with water. So, instead of accomplishing a good amount of manual labor, we ended up trying to get water (and frog eggs...sicknasty) out of the trenches each day, fixing rebar (sp?) and wondering why we were pretty much the most underachieving team Bent Tree had yet sent to the DR. However, since our elaborate construction plans all changed, the missionaries came up with a "plan b" which was to help clean one of the houses on site that the team the year before (that I was a part of) had mostly built, readying it for the first orphans to inhabit. Long-story-short, we got to move in the first people to the whole mission site, which was the fulfillment of the missionary's dream and the culmination of 25 years of work on his part to accomplish that dream.
And so, that whole experience typified what I've learned many times since--that often (and especially in my life), things go so far from the way we have planned them--and that can often seem like we've failed. But, God's plans are so much better than we could ever have imagined; the night we moved those orphans in was probably the greatest night of my life, and we wouldn't have been able to do that had the rain not thwarted our plans to make us the most "underachieving" team Bent Tree had ever sent to the DR. That lesson rings so true today--hey, I never would have picked lymphoma to cap off my senior year of college, and while it, like bailing out frog-infested waters in trenches in the DR, is not always a fun or easy learning process, God's plans are so much better than ours, and if we can just TRUST Him, His promises are true, and the end is better than we can imagine. The night after we moved in the orphans was the one on the beach, and that night, everything was so clear and put into great perspective--that His love truly never ends; that His faithfulness is beyond the heights up in that clear expanse of never-ending blue; that His righteousness is high and bold like those mountains in the distance; that His justice is as deep as that ocean and just keeps on coming like the ocean's tide. And now, I need that reminder--that, out of every situation in our lives, our response should be to lift our hands and our voices to worship Him, our King, as well as to truly find our strength in the shadow and comfort of God alone. I'll be honest--some days I'm better at that than others--yes, even while going through cancer. You'd think that, since sometimes it's just more natural (maybe not easier) to lean on the Lord alone during a trial, I'd be a pro at that right now. And then, you would be wrong.
Nevertheless, His faithfulness (which is never-ending in case you didn't get that the previous two times I mentioned it) continues, and praise the Lord that He loves us in spite of vacillating all the time between trusting Him and trusting ourselves. I like to consider myself a pretty consistent person--that was my best attribute out on that volleyball court--and yet, somehow the things I've learned in volleyball, while quite frequently carrying over into real life, have not ALL translated to my daily life here in the real world outside of the volleyball court. So sadly, even though this process of chemo, etc. is not fun and is not on my list of things I'd like to ever do again--and that would seem like it would make me perfectly consistent in trusting Him each day--that, lamentably, is not the case. But, depending on how you look at it, that could be a fortunate thing since it does have the effect of bringing me back to my knees in humility when I realize that, once again, I've been trying to do it on my own, and when faced with my own need and inability to actually DO it on my own, I am back to trusting in Him.
I just had some thoughts, had to reminisce about that night in the DR, and wanted to check in with the audience at home for a few minutes, but--SHOCK!--it seems I have already written a good amount! Now on to the more concrete details for those of you beaver-types who like the details more than the whimsical ramblings and spontaneity of us otters (if that reference escapes you, you probably should read the Treasure Tree book about personalities--it's a good read--illustrated and all :) ).
So anyway, it is Monday night, and this is our last week before Spring Break and my last quad (1/2 semester here at Wheaton) of college. OH MY GOSH. SCARRRRYYYY. You know, you push through college, at times thinking it will never end, only to throw on the brakes and live in denial of the fact that real life is coming more quickly than you actually really wanted that whole time. You all know the experience--wanting to get to the end and then, when it's within sight, feeling like a moron for having wanted so much to get there and for having wasted a lot of time along the way. That's me. right now. senior. scared. needing a job and not having a clue where I will be in 6 months (except, of course, doing my best to make sure that whatever I'm doing is located anywhere warm). I digress, however. I was mentioning how it is my spring break next week...well, it is TCA's spring break this week, so my mom and Madelyn are flying up tomorrow morning through Thursday morning to hang out in Chi-town with me and accompany me to treatment number 7. Please pray for their safety as they're traveling and that our time would be so sweet together. I love those guys! Also, pray that my dad would enjoy his time home alone--he said tonight that he gets only about three days absolutely to himself each year, so he's kinda looking forward to the next few days of not being around the women in his life. (this in no way offends me; poor guy has to deal with 4 ADD women all the time, so do not begrudge him for looking forward to some personal days). And, for the fourth McGinnis woman (Katie), here's a huge praise--she has a job in Child Life now at the hospital in Colorado Springs, so she is relieved to know what she is doing for a while and to have a place to live--things have been a little stressful for Katie in the Springs lately, so thanks for praying for her safety traveling out there and as she's been trying to figure out life.
After my mom and Madelyn leave, I'll be recovering from treatment 7 as we head into our spring break, so I'll be sure to update sometime before I leave for New York City next Tuesday (I'm going with my first co-counselor from Kanakuk K-West and subsequent bff Melissa Fain!). I'm so blessed to be going somewhere, and it's amazing that it worked out to be going somewhere with Melissa, too! At first we thought I'd have to just park it at home in Fairview for a week while my mom and Mad had school and my dad had work and all my friends are gone on their spring breaks, so really, I've been SO looking forward to this trip as something to brighten up the otherwise monotonous 2-week cycle of chemo treatments. After NYC, I'm heading to Houston for my cousin Elaine's wedding (!!!!), which will be great family time and so much fun to see all my cousins and family again--as I've said, we're a tight bunch. But, all of those details are most likely superfluous...it's getting late and I'm trailing off worse than normally...back to treatment 7. It's on Wednesday (so two days--March 4th) at 3pm. Being halfway done is amazing--what a praise and blessing--but at the same time, it's still a little daunting to know that what I've so far done, I now turn around and do all over again. So, I would love prayer for perseverance--I've known from day 1 that the support has been incredible and such, but I've also been very conscious from day 1 that, come the middle of this journey, it would be so much harder, and I guess I know myself to a good degree because that is the case. It's not unbearably hard, but it is harder right now for me than it was at the start, so perseverance to take one day at a time still, to stay in the Word daily, and to keep my eyes fixed on the goal of this, which is total healing, are all things I would love prayer for. Also, physically, as I'm heading into the much-longed-for trip to NYC, continuing prayers for health and recovery from this treatment (since I'll be flying on day 7, the first day of starting the upward slope of my tolerance for the chemo) would be great--also that I will be safe from germs. :) Last sidenote--and a huge praise!--last week I was supposed to hang out with three different people, all on different days, and at some point, each one called or texted to say they were sick and were gonna have to cancel. While I was a little bummed each time someone flaked, it was actually so cool to see in hindsight because I found out with each of the three of them after the fact that they had fevers and didn't know it when they canceled our hanging out. PTL! If someone has a cold, it's not really been a concern for me because I've had colds during this process and that's fine; it's the fever thing that gets me--if I get 100.5 or more, I have to go to the hospital, and since that's a pretty small margin of a temperature, what a praise that each person canceled on me! I'm finding many reasons to praise Him for things that, otherwise I might scoff at as small, and yet now that I can see are ways the Lord is looking out for me.
Ok, that's all for now. I'll check back in after chemo 7! Oh--last thing--and this will definitely incriminate me as a Texan, of which I am THRILLED to be accused--but Happy Texas Independence Day! Yes, this is a state holiday. Or a "national holiday" if you want to go REALLY Texan and talk about our state as a nation, since it WAS and all. :) I gotta get me back to the south...
Once again, thankyou thankyou thankyou for your love, prayers, and support. God bless, may you be warm, and may you KNOW that His love never ends, His faithfulness is so vast, His justice is so present and deep, and His righteousness is strong and great.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Monday, March 2, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all" Psalm 34:19
Good evening from Wheaton! I realize it's been a while since my last post, but there hasn't really been a lot on which to update. Nevertheless, if that somehow left you hanging, I'm so sorry.
I finished my 6th treatment yesterday at Northwestern, so now I am officially at least halfway done! PTL!!! AND, if we get to finish after 4 rounds, then I am 3/4 of the way finished! On that note, that is a continued prayer request. I guess my parents have been praying that the doctors would have absolute wisdom over my case so that we would stop treatment only when all the cancer cells are permanently gone and no sooner. I, on the other hand have been praying to only have to do 8 total treatments...guess I can always learn more from my parents and can always learn more about prayer...
Also on the note of prayer requests, my nurse Michelle should be back in the States from Africa tomorrow, and she will start back at Northwestern on Monday, so please be praying for her as she re-adjusts to the US and debriefs and processes her time in Africa. Also, I'm praying for great conversations about the trip as she comes back and for some openings for great conversation.
I'm jumping around a lot right now, but as to how I'm feeling, I'm doing ok right now. Sometimes the first couple nights post-treatment are irritating because I can't sleep straight through the night. Usually I wake up at 1 or 3am and watch a movie for a couple hours before I can fall back asleep, but last night I woke up at 6:30am and tried to sleep until 7, at which point the light was seeping into my room and I could hear some movement in our house, so I gave up trying to fall back asleep for a couple hours and finished the book "Through Gates of Splendor" by Elisabeth Elliot. So, bummer that I'm pretty tired, but at least I had a great read...more on that to come.
Anyway, I went to club practice with Brooke tonight--which was actually a more successful practice, so that was a blessing--and then I've just been crashing again tonight. Otherwise, not much has been going on with me. Actually, there are a couple things of note: first, I have officially sent in two applications to schools in Hawaii! PTL indeed!!! They've been a weight on my shoulders that are just not that hard to do but nevertheless, have just taken me a while, so it's such a relief and praise to have sent those applications in! So, if you're already praying for my recovery and to feel well, feel free to throw out some more prayers for peace for me, that the apps would find favor with the two schools, and that I would be listening for and have the ears to hear where God's leading me. Secondly, the Wheaton Women's Basketball team had a "Think Pink" night at it's conference game vs. Millikin University on Tuesday night here, and it was to raise money for a cancer fund. There were pre-game festivities, including at least 10 people who cut their hair on the spot to donate for Locks of Love, and then they honored Kirsten Friedl and me, as her tennis coach and my volleyball coach Jen each walked out to half court with pink roses for us and as both of our respective teams and the other fans cheered us on. It was a little awkward (luckily Kirsten was there, too, feeling the same awkwardness with me!)--it was somewhat like Senior Night for volleyball with the set-up, but this was to celebrate I guess just us and fighting cancer...when the real people to be celebrating are our doctors, technically. Anyway, I did tear up a little, especially just with having my team there--they've seriously been HUGE in this process and are going to make it so hard to say goodbye come May. And it was just so cool that people were willing to donate to Locks of Love and the cancer fund. I was really touched, basically.
As for updates on treatment or anything, there's not much new to report. My next treatment will be Wednesday, March 4th at 12pm, and we'll meet with the doctor at that one. Plus, it's TCA's spring break, so my mom and Madelyn will fly up on Tuesday the 3rd and leave Thursday the 5th, so it'll be good to see them again. Also, we switched this week to Wednesday, which was supposed to make me feel ok for class the following Tuesday, but I'm not so sure I'm a huge fan of Wednesdays. First of all, they had warned us of this, but it's the most busy day at Northwestern, and we were an hour late getting back for treatment and probably didn't start for another half hour after getting back there. Because of the delay, we hit bad traffic coming home, which wasn't fun. Furthermore, with Wednesdays, it's not as good for my parents to come because it's in the middle of the week and is too much time to take off for either of my parents and then stay through the weekend. So, after the next one on March 4th (which is a Wednesday), I may be switching back to Thursdays for treatment...I know, so complicated and things keep changing. But, I haven't positively decided that yet...just a heads-up.
And now, back to what I read in "Through Gates of Splendor" this morning: In the epilogue, Elizabeth Elliot is reflecting about the significance of the deaths of her husband and the four other missionaries to Ecuador in the 50s. She writes, "God is God. If He is God, He is worthy of my worship and my service. I will find rest nowhere but in His will, and that will is infinitely, immeasurably, unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to." My situation does not even come close to comparing with her story there, but at the same time, God gives each of us just what we need to draw near to Him and bring Him glory. So on that note, I just loved reading that this morning. There are so many times when, as I've mentioned, my plans pretty much never turn out how I plan them. But, God's are so much better than I could've imagined--and for some reason it just takes me a while to get on board with His plans. But Elliot's comments are so true--and probably so poignant in such an unstable time in general for everyone right now--there is rest nowhere but in Him, and His will truly is so much better than any inkling I could try to devise about what He is doing in my life and in the larger scheme of things. I just thought I'd pass on that quote and then tell you that if you're looking for a good read, "Through Gates of Splendor" is just that.
Thankyou thankyou thankyou for your love, constant support, faithful and quiet prayers that do NOT go unappreciated, and for your witness to His love and support. Have a blessed weekend!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
I finished my 6th treatment yesterday at Northwestern, so now I am officially at least halfway done! PTL!!! AND, if we get to finish after 4 rounds, then I am 3/4 of the way finished! On that note, that is a continued prayer request. I guess my parents have been praying that the doctors would have absolute wisdom over my case so that we would stop treatment only when all the cancer cells are permanently gone and no sooner. I, on the other hand have been praying to only have to do 8 total treatments...guess I can always learn more from my parents and can always learn more about prayer...
Also on the note of prayer requests, my nurse Michelle should be back in the States from Africa tomorrow, and she will start back at Northwestern on Monday, so please be praying for her as she re-adjusts to the US and debriefs and processes her time in Africa. Also, I'm praying for great conversations about the trip as she comes back and for some openings for great conversation.
I'm jumping around a lot right now, but as to how I'm feeling, I'm doing ok right now. Sometimes the first couple nights post-treatment are irritating because I can't sleep straight through the night. Usually I wake up at 1 or 3am and watch a movie for a couple hours before I can fall back asleep, but last night I woke up at 6:30am and tried to sleep until 7, at which point the light was seeping into my room and I could hear some movement in our house, so I gave up trying to fall back asleep for a couple hours and finished the book "Through Gates of Splendor" by Elisabeth Elliot. So, bummer that I'm pretty tired, but at least I had a great read...more on that to come.
Anyway, I went to club practice with Brooke tonight--which was actually a more successful practice, so that was a blessing--and then I've just been crashing again tonight. Otherwise, not much has been going on with me. Actually, there are a couple things of note: first, I have officially sent in two applications to schools in Hawaii! PTL indeed!!! They've been a weight on my shoulders that are just not that hard to do but nevertheless, have just taken me a while, so it's such a relief and praise to have sent those applications in! So, if you're already praying for my recovery and to feel well, feel free to throw out some more prayers for peace for me, that the apps would find favor with the two schools, and that I would be listening for and have the ears to hear where God's leading me. Secondly, the Wheaton Women's Basketball team had a "Think Pink" night at it's conference game vs. Millikin University on Tuesday night here, and it was to raise money for a cancer fund. There were pre-game festivities, including at least 10 people who cut their hair on the spot to donate for Locks of Love, and then they honored Kirsten Friedl and me, as her tennis coach and my volleyball coach Jen each walked out to half court with pink roses for us and as both of our respective teams and the other fans cheered us on. It was a little awkward (luckily Kirsten was there, too, feeling the same awkwardness with me!)--it was somewhat like Senior Night for volleyball with the set-up, but this was to celebrate I guess just us and fighting cancer...when the real people to be celebrating are our doctors, technically. Anyway, I did tear up a little, especially just with having my team there--they've seriously been HUGE in this process and are going to make it so hard to say goodbye come May. And it was just so cool that people were willing to donate to Locks of Love and the cancer fund. I was really touched, basically.
As for updates on treatment or anything, there's not much new to report. My next treatment will be Wednesday, March 4th at 12pm, and we'll meet with the doctor at that one. Plus, it's TCA's spring break, so my mom and Madelyn will fly up on Tuesday the 3rd and leave Thursday the 5th, so it'll be good to see them again. Also, we switched this week to Wednesday, which was supposed to make me feel ok for class the following Tuesday, but I'm not so sure I'm a huge fan of Wednesdays. First of all, they had warned us of this, but it's the most busy day at Northwestern, and we were an hour late getting back for treatment and probably didn't start for another half hour after getting back there. Because of the delay, we hit bad traffic coming home, which wasn't fun. Furthermore, with Wednesdays, it's not as good for my parents to come because it's in the middle of the week and is too much time to take off for either of my parents and then stay through the weekend. So, after the next one on March 4th (which is a Wednesday), I may be switching back to Thursdays for treatment...I know, so complicated and things keep changing. But, I haven't positively decided that yet...just a heads-up.
And now, back to what I read in "Through Gates of Splendor" this morning: In the epilogue, Elizabeth Elliot is reflecting about the significance of the deaths of her husband and the four other missionaries to Ecuador in the 50s. She writes, "God is God. If He is God, He is worthy of my worship and my service. I will find rest nowhere but in His will, and that will is infinitely, immeasurably, unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to." My situation does not even come close to comparing with her story there, but at the same time, God gives each of us just what we need to draw near to Him and bring Him glory. So on that note, I just loved reading that this morning. There are so many times when, as I've mentioned, my plans pretty much never turn out how I plan them. But, God's are so much better than I could've imagined--and for some reason it just takes me a while to get on board with His plans. But Elliot's comments are so true--and probably so poignant in such an unstable time in general for everyone right now--there is rest nowhere but in Him, and His will truly is so much better than any inkling I could try to devise about what He is doing in my life and in the larger scheme of things. I just thought I'd pass on that quote and then tell you that if you're looking for a good read, "Through Gates of Splendor" is just that.
Thankyou thankyou thankyou for your love, constant support, faithful and quiet prayers that do NOT go unappreciated, and for your witness to His love and support. Have a blessed weekend!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Thursday, February 5, 2009
"Show me Your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are God my Savior, and my hope is in You all day long"
PSALM 25:4-5 (sorry, the verse itself was too long, hence the reference below)
That is my favorite verse. There are other great ones, but I love that one and have seen it as a "life verse" if you will over the past many years. So, I thought I'd share it with you. It's a keeper, in my opinion. :)
On other news, some of you may have heard a great rumor ("A RUmor?!?!"--shoutout to all those familiar with kamp birthdays...). Actually, many of you from Wheaton may have heard different, untrue rumors such that I may be staying home for treatment. I actually had a couple messages from people saying, "so, are you ever coming back?" to which I confusedly responded, "um, yes, next week...I'm just hanging out with friends this week!" Apparently in chapel they prayed for me and must have thought my trip to Baylor University (in Waco) was a trip to Baylor Hospital (in Dallas), thus my confusion as people asked me if I was home permanently last week and the confusion of many Wheaton students as they thought I had peaced out without mentioning anything.
SO, just in case you are still confused--the reason for my "unofficial winter break" was that we had Tuesday off of school for "Faculty Development Day," and as I only have a Tuesday/Thursday class, I had a full week off of school, so I decided to capitalize on that by seeing some of my best friends and family down South. Last Friday I flew home to hang out with my family through Saturday at noon. A couple of my guy cousins last-minute came to Dallas from Texas A&M, so we did breakfast with my grandparents, Michael, and Adam by our house Saturday morning, which was a fun surprise. Saturday afternoon I drove down to Waco, TX to see my best friends Sarah, Chrisey, and Caroline, as well as my cousin Ali and high school teammate Shaylee who all attend Baylor University. We had a great time, and I actually ran into some other friends from TCA who went to Baylor and one who was also just in town for the weekend from TCU, so it was fun getting to see so many people! Monday morning I had breakfast with Erin Groth from K-West, saw Miss Sarah Spivey again, and then drove 4 hours from Waco to Norman, OK to the University of Oklahoma, where I stayed with another best friend and "sister" Callea. I got to see some kamp friends Sarah and Amanda there as well, so it was just a fun week of seeing all kinds of people from the many different spheres of my life and have great conversations and fun. Wednesday morning, I left OU for the 3 hour drive to Dallas, brought some lunch to kampers and my cousin in McKinney, met my dad for lunch, made it home to pack, rushed to Frisco to buy some sunglasses (definitely a priority...and wishful thinking since it's rarely sunny here, but hey, a girl can dream, and in my thinking, while dreaming for sunshine, I can at least have great shades), then headed to TCA where I met my mom and she took me to the airport. I'm telling you, if you have not understood or believed my previous references to our family living at the speed of crazy, then my Wednesday adventures upon arriving back in Dallas at noon and leaving for the airport at 4 should help you with a glimpse into our unspoken motto of trying to pack more than is possibly healthy into very limited time. Wednesday night I flew back to Wheaton, and today at 2:30, I had treatment numero cinco (Texas rubbed off on me...that's "number 5" for everyone else)with my teammate Emily, my Wheaton "stand-in mom" Lynda Armstrong, my mom, and her best friend Sandy Boulden.
So anyway, back to the first, TRUE rumor I was referring to before I took this blog's longest rabbit trail to date:
On the drive from Norman to McKinney, my nurse practitioner Sarah Miyata called me back and looked over my PET scan and said that they are clear, so I AM OFFICIALLY IN REMISSION!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!! Sounds crazy, right?!? Four treatments into this process, and I'm in remission?!? Yep! I asked, "So, that means there's no cancer, right?" to which she replied in the affirmative, explaining that the scans came back negative, or clear. This is a huge step in the process of recovery as we set some goals and benchmarks toward healing. My dad, the attorney, is very goal-oriented and has always tried to help the four ADD women in his family reach our goals by helping to set them (and sometimes with incentive) and cast a vision for them. That said, while the chances of the PET scan coming back clear were very high, it is nonetheless great news since we had talked about how this is a big step for victory. SO, thankyou thankyou thankyou for so many prayers!!!! God is so faithful and He sure does answer prayers. Not always how we want Him to, I have learned, but His faithfulness carries us through any and every answer to our prayers! Also, in that conversation, Sarah said, "the prognosis is very encouraging!" So, we were excited. My mom told her kindergartners and held out the phone for me to hear their responses: they were screaming and cheering while my mom and the teacher Carol Pond both tried to hold it together and be composed for the kids' sakes.
Many people have asked what remission means (as did I when I clarified with Sarah that it meant I was cancer-free). I do still have to do treatments. Bummer. BUT, what is GREAT to know is that the treatment is working!!! PTL! I am lucky to know that this is working; a lot of cancer patients don't have that luxury. Also, in treatment today, we met with Dr. Gordon, who explained that, since I'm not doing radiation, standard treatment is 6 cycles of chemotherapy, but, he added, in some cases they only do 4 rounds. He then said that, after my fourth round (so 8th treatment...3 from now), we will do another PET scan, another CT scan (darn Barium Sulfate liquid...I felt so victorious chugging that stuff so quickly, thinking then that it was the only time I'd have to suffer that...grrr...), another MUGA scan (heart), and another Pulmonary Function test (lungs). I guess based on those results, there's a possibility that we could be done! Dr. Gordon said he was "very pleased with the progress" and said that 2 more rounds (so after today, three more treatments) is a possibility. My mom said, "So, should we plan on doing 6 total rounds and then, if we only have to do 4..." and I finished, "it will just be icing on the cake?!?" to which Dr. Gordon said, "yes, that's a good approach." (although, as I look back, "icing on the cake" is not the right metaphor, since that would imply that this process has been as GOOD as cake and finishing early would be the icing on an already delicious process. Maybe "a miracle," or "unexpected blessing" would have captured the sentiment more appropriately for the situation, but you get the point). How awesome would it be if I only have to do three more treatments and can enjoy the last month of my Wheaton career in health?!? We are being conservative with our plans and hopes, but we would love your prayers for that--for only three more treatments! We are prepared to go the whole way, but if we only had to go 2/3 of the original journey, I mean, we'd be willing to change our plans. :) Let's be honest: my plans rarely go as I imagine, anyway.
PRAISE THE LORD FOR HEALING! And for good news! This is just about my favorite news I've heard in a loooooonnnnnggg while--that I'm in remission! Last year was a tough year on many levels--I'm thinking back to the last few months and go back to my summer at K-West (Kanakuk) and while it was really good, it was really hard for a ton of reasons, too, and was probably my last time there after 15 summers. Then I moved on to the start of my senior year fall, which is synonymous with volleyball in college, and there were just a lot of disappointments throughout the course of the season. I loved my teammates and coaches and had a blast, but many things were hard, including dislocating my knee cap in the middle of our conference and Homecoming match, which took me out for three weeks of conference, only for me to return (not 100%) for a week and a half before season ended on a hard loss. Three days later, I went to the Health Center, and while we didn't find out for a few weeks about Hodgkin's, when they told me "don't worry--God is the ultimate Healer," it made me think, "well, I WASN'T worrying until you told me that, but now, SHOULD I be worrying???" All of that to say, in a season in which God has still been SO incredibly faithful and sovereign as always, it's been hard and had a good share of disappointments, so this victory yesterday and then today at the hospital has been long-awaited and so hope-filled. And you thought that when I've expressed how much all the encouragement has meant, I was just being patronizing or dutifully thankful. However, having just explained how the past 8 months have had a lot of bummers, BELIEVE ME when I say that, amidst all of that, your encouragement has really filled me with great hope, so thank you once again.
For me and my mom, it's time to go to bed, so that's all I have for now. You are loved. And God is GOOD...in many months of disappointments as well as with victories. He never changes, and that's great news. :)
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
That is my favorite verse. There are other great ones, but I love that one and have seen it as a "life verse" if you will over the past many years. So, I thought I'd share it with you. It's a keeper, in my opinion. :)
On other news, some of you may have heard a great rumor ("A RUmor?!?!"--shoutout to all those familiar with kamp birthdays...). Actually, many of you from Wheaton may have heard different, untrue rumors such that I may be staying home for treatment. I actually had a couple messages from people saying, "so, are you ever coming back?" to which I confusedly responded, "um, yes, next week...I'm just hanging out with friends this week!" Apparently in chapel they prayed for me and must have thought my trip to Baylor University (in Waco) was a trip to Baylor Hospital (in Dallas), thus my confusion as people asked me if I was home permanently last week and the confusion of many Wheaton students as they thought I had peaced out without mentioning anything.
SO, just in case you are still confused--the reason for my "unofficial winter break" was that we had Tuesday off of school for "Faculty Development Day," and as I only have a Tuesday/Thursday class, I had a full week off of school, so I decided to capitalize on that by seeing some of my best friends and family down South. Last Friday I flew home to hang out with my family through Saturday at noon. A couple of my guy cousins last-minute came to Dallas from Texas A&M, so we did breakfast with my grandparents, Michael, and Adam by our house Saturday morning, which was a fun surprise. Saturday afternoon I drove down to Waco, TX to see my best friends Sarah, Chrisey, and Caroline, as well as my cousin Ali and high school teammate Shaylee who all attend Baylor University. We had a great time, and I actually ran into some other friends from TCA who went to Baylor and one who was also just in town for the weekend from TCU, so it was fun getting to see so many people! Monday morning I had breakfast with Erin Groth from K-West, saw Miss Sarah Spivey again, and then drove 4 hours from Waco to Norman, OK to the University of Oklahoma, where I stayed with another best friend and "sister" Callea. I got to see some kamp friends Sarah and Amanda there as well, so it was just a fun week of seeing all kinds of people from the many different spheres of my life and have great conversations and fun. Wednesday morning, I left OU for the 3 hour drive to Dallas, brought some lunch to kampers and my cousin in McKinney, met my dad for lunch, made it home to pack, rushed to Frisco to buy some sunglasses (definitely a priority...and wishful thinking since it's rarely sunny here, but hey, a girl can dream, and in my thinking, while dreaming for sunshine, I can at least have great shades), then headed to TCA where I met my mom and she took me to the airport. I'm telling you, if you have not understood or believed my previous references to our family living at the speed of crazy, then my Wednesday adventures upon arriving back in Dallas at noon and leaving for the airport at 4 should help you with a glimpse into our unspoken motto of trying to pack more than is possibly healthy into very limited time. Wednesday night I flew back to Wheaton, and today at 2:30, I had treatment numero cinco (Texas rubbed off on me...that's "number 5" for everyone else)with my teammate Emily, my Wheaton "stand-in mom" Lynda Armstrong, my mom, and her best friend Sandy Boulden.
So anyway, back to the first, TRUE rumor I was referring to before I took this blog's longest rabbit trail to date:
On the drive from Norman to McKinney, my nurse practitioner Sarah Miyata called me back and looked over my PET scan and said that they are clear, so I AM OFFICIALLY IN REMISSION!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!! Sounds crazy, right?!? Four treatments into this process, and I'm in remission?!? Yep! I asked, "So, that means there's no cancer, right?" to which she replied in the affirmative, explaining that the scans came back negative, or clear. This is a huge step in the process of recovery as we set some goals and benchmarks toward healing. My dad, the attorney, is very goal-oriented and has always tried to help the four ADD women in his family reach our goals by helping to set them (and sometimes with incentive) and cast a vision for them. That said, while the chances of the PET scan coming back clear were very high, it is nonetheless great news since we had talked about how this is a big step for victory. SO, thankyou thankyou thankyou for so many prayers!!!! God is so faithful and He sure does answer prayers. Not always how we want Him to, I have learned, but His faithfulness carries us through any and every answer to our prayers! Also, in that conversation, Sarah said, "the prognosis is very encouraging!" So, we were excited. My mom told her kindergartners and held out the phone for me to hear their responses: they were screaming and cheering while my mom and the teacher Carol Pond both tried to hold it together and be composed for the kids' sakes.
Many people have asked what remission means (as did I when I clarified with Sarah that it meant I was cancer-free). I do still have to do treatments. Bummer. BUT, what is GREAT to know is that the treatment is working!!! PTL! I am lucky to know that this is working; a lot of cancer patients don't have that luxury. Also, in treatment today, we met with Dr. Gordon, who explained that, since I'm not doing radiation, standard treatment is 6 cycles of chemotherapy, but, he added, in some cases they only do 4 rounds. He then said that, after my fourth round (so 8th treatment...3 from now), we will do another PET scan, another CT scan (darn Barium Sulfate liquid...I felt so victorious chugging that stuff so quickly, thinking then that it was the only time I'd have to suffer that...grrr...), another MUGA scan (heart), and another Pulmonary Function test (lungs). I guess based on those results, there's a possibility that we could be done! Dr. Gordon said he was "very pleased with the progress" and said that 2 more rounds (so after today, three more treatments) is a possibility. My mom said, "So, should we plan on doing 6 total rounds and then, if we only have to do 4..." and I finished, "it will just be icing on the cake?!?" to which Dr. Gordon said, "yes, that's a good approach." (although, as I look back, "icing on the cake" is not the right metaphor, since that would imply that this process has been as GOOD as cake and finishing early would be the icing on an already delicious process. Maybe "a miracle," or "unexpected blessing" would have captured the sentiment more appropriately for the situation, but you get the point). How awesome would it be if I only have to do three more treatments and can enjoy the last month of my Wheaton career in health?!? We are being conservative with our plans and hopes, but we would love your prayers for that--for only three more treatments! We are prepared to go the whole way, but if we only had to go 2/3 of the original journey, I mean, we'd be willing to change our plans. :) Let's be honest: my plans rarely go as I imagine, anyway.
PRAISE THE LORD FOR HEALING! And for good news! This is just about my favorite news I've heard in a loooooonnnnnggg while--that I'm in remission! Last year was a tough year on many levels--I'm thinking back to the last few months and go back to my summer at K-West (Kanakuk) and while it was really good, it was really hard for a ton of reasons, too, and was probably my last time there after 15 summers. Then I moved on to the start of my senior year fall, which is synonymous with volleyball in college, and there were just a lot of disappointments throughout the course of the season. I loved my teammates and coaches and had a blast, but many things were hard, including dislocating my knee cap in the middle of our conference and Homecoming match, which took me out for three weeks of conference, only for me to return (not 100%) for a week and a half before season ended on a hard loss. Three days later, I went to the Health Center, and while we didn't find out for a few weeks about Hodgkin's, when they told me "don't worry--God is the ultimate Healer," it made me think, "well, I WASN'T worrying until you told me that, but now, SHOULD I be worrying???" All of that to say, in a season in which God has still been SO incredibly faithful and sovereign as always, it's been hard and had a good share of disappointments, so this victory yesterday and then today at the hospital has been long-awaited and so hope-filled. And you thought that when I've expressed how much all the encouragement has meant, I was just being patronizing or dutifully thankful. However, having just explained how the past 8 months have had a lot of bummers, BELIEVE ME when I say that, amidst all of that, your encouragement has really filled me with great hope, so thank you once again.
For me and my mom, it's time to go to bed, so that's all I have for now. You are loved. And God is GOOD...in many months of disappointments as well as with victories. He never changes, and that's great news. :)
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light." -Psalm 18:28
What a great verse--I have always loved Psalm 18, and especially verse 28, but so much more right now in some days that don't always seem so light. As I've said before, it is so awesome to me that God redeems even the laziest and most "unproductive" of our days by the world's standards into something imbued with purpose. That said, I love how this Psalm chronicles all the ways the Lord has saved David--and Israel, too--and how it's such a reminder that, every time, God is faithful! He HAS always rescued his people, and He WILL always turn their darkness into light.
And now, speaking of darkness.... The last few days have been the bad days (5 & 6), but, the best part about day 6 is at the end of the day (so, tonight) when there's such relief that each day until the next treatment is going to at least be better than the previous one. That's definitely something to look forward to. My dad has said again and again that, once this is all said and done and I have my last treatment in mid-May, the best part will be waking up each day and knowing that, on this day, I will feel better than before and will know what a gift feeling good is for each day. It's all about perspective, I think we are learning. As for the extent of my feeling bad on this cycle's days 5 and 6, it has not been the worst that I've had, but they were pretty unfortunate since I developed a cold somewhere in the last week, so instead of just feeling achy and lethargic like I had the flu this round, I actually felt the cold symptoms of that, too, this time. PTL that I have not had a fever, though--seriously, such a praise...especially since I am going home on Friday and then on to Baylor and OU before my next treatment on Thursday, February 5th. So, we will keep praying for healing, for no fever, and that the trip is a great one...slash, also that I don't have to wear a surgical mask on the airplane. That would be real cool and all, but thinking about that makes me feel claustrophobic. :)
The purpose of this post is mostly to let you know that I'm still alive, have survived (hopefully and prayerfully!) the worst days following my 4th treatment, and to say that I have completed 2 rounds of chemo and am 1/3 of the way down this unexpected road! PRAISE THE LORD! ALSO, by the time most of you read this, it will have already happened, but I'll still give a heads-up that I have my 1st check-up PET scan tomorrow (Wednesday) at 11:45am. My nurse practitioner Sarah Miyata checked me over and felt the site of my former lymph nodes above my collarbone last week, and since they are gone (yeah--after 1 treatment those visible lymph nodes vanished!), she said she's thinking my PET scan will come back negative, saying that my cancer is gone! So, huge prayer that the scan results are all clear! I think I said before that this is a huge step in the process of "kicking cancer's butt," or victory, as we like to think of it, so I would love your prayers that the scan will indeed be 100% clear.
The last thing I have for right now somewhat ties in with my first thoughts on Psalm 18 but also is just something that has rung so true with me lately. My parents' long-time friend Vicki Mullins sent me a book called "The Red Sea Rules" and there are 10 different rules that this author (Robert J. Morgan) has found to be true--both in Israel's history and in his own experience with difficult times. The first rule is "Realize that God means for you to be where you are." Morgan explains that, "when you are in a difficult place, realize that the Lord either placed you there or allowed you to be there, for reasons perhaps known for now only to Himself. The same God who led you IN will lead you OUT." As much as I have seen a glimpse of how a parent feels at seeing their child in pain and that has reshaped my view of how God sympathizes and goes through suffering with us, at the same time, it is so true that nothing we go through is outside of God's vision, so accepting the fact that He's got a reason for either placing me and my family here or allowing us to be placed here can definitely be hard at times. I'll be honest--there are definitely days when I'm thinking, "Ok, Lord, but like maybe You could've just given me a lot of homework this semester or told me I'd have to stay in the Midwest for the next few years" (no offense...it's just too cold). However, as with Psalm 18 and all the reminders of all the ways God has saved Israel and David time and again--especially when they, too, whined...like for say 40 years in the desert or on the banks of the Red Sea surrounded by the Egyptian army--"Red Sea Rule #1" is so true: God has placed us here or allowed us to be here, and just as He brought us in, He WILL bring us out, turning that darkness into light. PTL.
Have a blessed day and week, thankyou thankyou thankyou for your incredible support, prayers, and love, and press on!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
And now, speaking of darkness.... The last few days have been the bad days (5 & 6), but, the best part about day 6 is at the end of the day (so, tonight) when there's such relief that each day until the next treatment is going to at least be better than the previous one. That's definitely something to look forward to. My dad has said again and again that, once this is all said and done and I have my last treatment in mid-May, the best part will be waking up each day and knowing that, on this day, I will feel better than before and will know what a gift feeling good is for each day. It's all about perspective, I think we are learning. As for the extent of my feeling bad on this cycle's days 5 and 6, it has not been the worst that I've had, but they were pretty unfortunate since I developed a cold somewhere in the last week, so instead of just feeling achy and lethargic like I had the flu this round, I actually felt the cold symptoms of that, too, this time. PTL that I have not had a fever, though--seriously, such a praise...especially since I am going home on Friday and then on to Baylor and OU before my next treatment on Thursday, February 5th. So, we will keep praying for healing, for no fever, and that the trip is a great one...slash, also that I don't have to wear a surgical mask on the airplane. That would be real cool and all, but thinking about that makes me feel claustrophobic. :)
The purpose of this post is mostly to let you know that I'm still alive, have survived (hopefully and prayerfully!) the worst days following my 4th treatment, and to say that I have completed 2 rounds of chemo and am 1/3 of the way down this unexpected road! PRAISE THE LORD! ALSO, by the time most of you read this, it will have already happened, but I'll still give a heads-up that I have my 1st check-up PET scan tomorrow (Wednesday) at 11:45am. My nurse practitioner Sarah Miyata checked me over and felt the site of my former lymph nodes above my collarbone last week, and since they are gone (yeah--after 1 treatment those visible lymph nodes vanished!), she said she's thinking my PET scan will come back negative, saying that my cancer is gone! So, huge prayer that the scan results are all clear! I think I said before that this is a huge step in the process of "kicking cancer's butt," or victory, as we like to think of it, so I would love your prayers that the scan will indeed be 100% clear.
The last thing I have for right now somewhat ties in with my first thoughts on Psalm 18 but also is just something that has rung so true with me lately. My parents' long-time friend Vicki Mullins sent me a book called "The Red Sea Rules" and there are 10 different rules that this author (Robert J. Morgan) has found to be true--both in Israel's history and in his own experience with difficult times. The first rule is "Realize that God means for you to be where you are." Morgan explains that, "when you are in a difficult place, realize that the Lord either placed you there or allowed you to be there, for reasons perhaps known for now only to Himself. The same God who led you IN will lead you OUT." As much as I have seen a glimpse of how a parent feels at seeing their child in pain and that has reshaped my view of how God sympathizes and goes through suffering with us, at the same time, it is so true that nothing we go through is outside of God's vision, so accepting the fact that He's got a reason for either placing me and my family here or allowing us to be placed here can definitely be hard at times. I'll be honest--there are definitely days when I'm thinking, "Ok, Lord, but like maybe You could've just given me a lot of homework this semester or told me I'd have to stay in the Midwest for the next few years" (no offense...it's just too cold). However, as with Psalm 18 and all the reminders of all the ways God has saved Israel and David time and again--especially when they, too, whined...like for say 40 years in the desert or on the banks of the Red Sea surrounded by the Egyptian army--"Red Sea Rule #1" is so true: God has placed us here or allowed us to be here, and just as He brought us in, He WILL bring us out, turning that darkness into light. PTL.
Have a blessed day and week, thankyou thankyou thankyou for your incredible support, prayers, and love, and press on!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
"The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble...for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." --Psalm 9:9-10
Once again, hello from Wheaton! I wanted to quickly update about a couple things. First of all, PTL that the weather is warmer. And by warmer, I mean that it's now in the positives--and hey! it looks like tomorrow's high is actually ABOVE FREEZING! I don't really know what to do with myself right now because I'm (sadly) so thrilled!
Secondly, I know so many have been praying, so I thought I should let you know that, if you've read the other posts, I am now officially "soaring on the wings of Jesus," in the words of Madelyn as she tried to comfort me about the prospects of losing my hair. Actually, though, I was reading in Psalms last night and was at Psalm 17:8b which reads, "hide me in the shadow of your wings," which is also a line from one of my favorite worship songs we sing at Wheaton called "Still." SO, it turns out Madelyn's theology wasn't TOO far off; however, I'm pretty sure that Psalm 17:8b is David appealing for GOD to hide him in the shadow of His metaphorical wings rather than Madelyn's encouragement that I could soar on the wings of Jesus, but she tried at least.
So anyway, back to my second point in this update: Sunday night, all (but one who was on a retreat) of my teammates and I headed over to the house of one of our freshmen, Kaitlyn Graham. We had dinner and some fun, and then her mom, Robin, shaved my head. Actually, before that, each of my teammates cut off some hair, which took a lot of trust on my part that they wouldn't accidentally stab me. :) Just kidding...but seriously...So Mrs. Graham was so sweet and made the whole thing so incredibly easy, praying for us before the event began and just being so helpful and encouraging. At the end, my teammates and Mrs. Graham prayed for me, and that was the only time that I cried, and it was honestly because I was so touched by their incredible support, love, and encouragement. God is so good in bringing peace. I think I've mentioned this, but over the events of the past year and a half, I've prayed a number of really specific times for God to give the "peace that passes all understanding," leaning hard on Philippians 4:6-7, and He really is so faithful in giving that incredible peace! I had prayed that before the cutting/shaving began, and I know so many of you have been praying for that and for me, so once again, it's such a testimony to God's faithfulness and following through on the things He promises. He truly does mercifully give a peace that makes you think, "how in the WORLD am I so calm right now??" and you know it's ONLY because the LORD is at work.
My third update for the night is about my chemo schedule: tomorrow is my 4th treatment at 2:30pm (CST), and then I have one more on a Thursday: February 5th, also at 2:30pm. All the ones after that are currently scheduled for Wednesdays now instead of the initial Thursdays I had posted because this way we are hoping to avoid having Days 5 and 6 collide with my Christian Thought class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. However, apparently any time I go in for chemo, after they take my blood counts, if they are absolutely TOO low, then they could tell me to come back the next day for treatment. So, there are no guarantees that just because it's on the schedule treatment will actually occur on the appointed date. That said, I'm a little skeptical that my counts would qualify as TOO low--what does that even MEAN??, since last time they were at 150/3000, and if THAT wasn't too low, I can't imagine being turned away because they were any lower. However, we will definitely be praying that treatment can happen on the appointed dates and would love your prayers for that, too! Also, I had mentioned that I wanted to move them to Wednesdays, but the reason that the next 2 are on Thursdays still is because each treatment is ideally supposed to be 14 days apart, give or take a day. So, I can go in and do treatment tomorrow because the last one that I did was on a Friday, 13 days ago, but they don't want me jumping from a Friday to a Wednesday (12 days) immediately; I have to stagger the jump, if you will, thus the next two Thursday treatments.
Here's a huge praise--I know many have been praying against illness or infection in this process, and I know that they prayed for me for health today in chapel as well. My roommate Rachel got the stomach flu this weekend, and one night she and I were the only 2 home, and I felt terrible because I couldn't go upstairs and help her or take her anything because she had a fever and was throwing up. At one point, I threw the thermometer up the stairs for her and offered her one of my Sprites (which she had to actually get), so it was just bad--for her especially because she felt awful all weekend and has had to switch some stuff for her schedule now. Praise the Lord that amidst all of that, I didn't get sick and that Rachel is now better! Seriously, that's huge--apparently if I get a fever, I have to go to the hospital and stay for a few days. Lame. So, thank you for your "preventative" prayers against infection or sickness!
I think that is all for now. For prayer, that my counts would be good to go for treatment tomorrow and for my parents especially since it's the first one at which neither will be present. Also, Madelyn has pink eye, and I think she's mostly over it, but I just figure, WHILE you're already praying...(that pretty much sounds like when I tell my mom, "I mean, WHILE you're at the grocery store, would you mind picking up some bread?") :)
For a progress report and continued prayer for overall healing in this process, I will say also that, as this treatment wraps up the 2nd round tomorrow (WOW time flies!), I should have another PET scan (the sugar one where I "CAN'T" do anything active for a while...my favorite!) next week. This will be the first PET scan since before we started chemo and were staging my lymphoma, so our prayer is that the scan will come back absolutely clear! Kirsten Friedl (who just found out yesterday that her final PET scan was all clear and she is officially done and in remission, PTL!) said that after the 2nd round hers was all clear, but they went ahead and did 4 more rounds of chemo to really get it all. So, that's our prayer and first huge step to healing: that this chemo would be effective, God would completely heal me, and that this upcoming scan will be all clear. I'll let you know when I actually get that scheduled in case you want to pray at more specific times or something.
Once again, thank you. I am so touched. And I'm becoming SO much less cynical and fiercely self-reliant as I trust others and allow people to help me. Your encouragement continues to floor me again and again, and know that you are being faithful to God's call to carry one another's burdens and encourage and exhort one another in love. You have blessed me so much!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Secondly, I know so many have been praying, so I thought I should let you know that, if you've read the other posts, I am now officially "soaring on the wings of Jesus," in the words of Madelyn as she tried to comfort me about the prospects of losing my hair. Actually, though, I was reading in Psalms last night and was at Psalm 17:8b which reads, "hide me in the shadow of your wings," which is also a line from one of my favorite worship songs we sing at Wheaton called "Still." SO, it turns out Madelyn's theology wasn't TOO far off; however, I'm pretty sure that Psalm 17:8b is David appealing for GOD to hide him in the shadow of His metaphorical wings rather than Madelyn's encouragement that I could soar on the wings of Jesus, but she tried at least.
So anyway, back to my second point in this update: Sunday night, all (but one who was on a retreat) of my teammates and I headed over to the house of one of our freshmen, Kaitlyn Graham. We had dinner and some fun, and then her mom, Robin, shaved my head. Actually, before that, each of my teammates cut off some hair, which took a lot of trust on my part that they wouldn't accidentally stab me. :) Just kidding...but seriously...So Mrs. Graham was so sweet and made the whole thing so incredibly easy, praying for us before the event began and just being so helpful and encouraging. At the end, my teammates and Mrs. Graham prayed for me, and that was the only time that I cried, and it was honestly because I was so touched by their incredible support, love, and encouragement. God is so good in bringing peace. I think I've mentioned this, but over the events of the past year and a half, I've prayed a number of really specific times for God to give the "peace that passes all understanding," leaning hard on Philippians 4:6-7, and He really is so faithful in giving that incredible peace! I had prayed that before the cutting/shaving began, and I know so many of you have been praying for that and for me, so once again, it's such a testimony to God's faithfulness and following through on the things He promises. He truly does mercifully give a peace that makes you think, "how in the WORLD am I so calm right now??" and you know it's ONLY because the LORD is at work.
My third update for the night is about my chemo schedule: tomorrow is my 4th treatment at 2:30pm (CST), and then I have one more on a Thursday: February 5th, also at 2:30pm. All the ones after that are currently scheduled for Wednesdays now instead of the initial Thursdays I had posted because this way we are hoping to avoid having Days 5 and 6 collide with my Christian Thought class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. However, apparently any time I go in for chemo, after they take my blood counts, if they are absolutely TOO low, then they could tell me to come back the next day for treatment. So, there are no guarantees that just because it's on the schedule treatment will actually occur on the appointed date. That said, I'm a little skeptical that my counts would qualify as TOO low--what does that even MEAN??, since last time they were at 150/3000, and if THAT wasn't too low, I can't imagine being turned away because they were any lower. However, we will definitely be praying that treatment can happen on the appointed dates and would love your prayers for that, too! Also, I had mentioned that I wanted to move them to Wednesdays, but the reason that the next 2 are on Thursdays still is because each treatment is ideally supposed to be 14 days apart, give or take a day. So, I can go in and do treatment tomorrow because the last one that I did was on a Friday, 13 days ago, but they don't want me jumping from a Friday to a Wednesday (12 days) immediately; I have to stagger the jump, if you will, thus the next two Thursday treatments.
Here's a huge praise--I know many have been praying against illness or infection in this process, and I know that they prayed for me for health today in chapel as well. My roommate Rachel got the stomach flu this weekend, and one night she and I were the only 2 home, and I felt terrible because I couldn't go upstairs and help her or take her anything because she had a fever and was throwing up. At one point, I threw the thermometer up the stairs for her and offered her one of my Sprites (which she had to actually get), so it was just bad--for her especially because she felt awful all weekend and has had to switch some stuff for her schedule now. Praise the Lord that amidst all of that, I didn't get sick and that Rachel is now better! Seriously, that's huge--apparently if I get a fever, I have to go to the hospital and stay for a few days. Lame. So, thank you for your "preventative" prayers against infection or sickness!
I think that is all for now. For prayer, that my counts would be good to go for treatment tomorrow and for my parents especially since it's the first one at which neither will be present. Also, Madelyn has pink eye, and I think she's mostly over it, but I just figure, WHILE you're already praying...(that pretty much sounds like when I tell my mom, "I mean, WHILE you're at the grocery store, would you mind picking up some bread?") :)
For a progress report and continued prayer for overall healing in this process, I will say also that, as this treatment wraps up the 2nd round tomorrow (WOW time flies!), I should have another PET scan (the sugar one where I "CAN'T" do anything active for a while...my favorite!) next week. This will be the first PET scan since before we started chemo and were staging my lymphoma, so our prayer is that the scan will come back absolutely clear! Kirsten Friedl (who just found out yesterday that her final PET scan was all clear and she is officially done and in remission, PTL!) said that after the 2nd round hers was all clear, but they went ahead and did 4 more rounds of chemo to really get it all. So, that's our prayer and first huge step to healing: that this chemo would be effective, God would completely heal me, and that this upcoming scan will be all clear. I'll let you know when I actually get that scheduled in case you want to pray at more specific times or something.
Once again, thank you. I am so touched. And I'm becoming SO much less cynical and fiercely self-reliant as I trust others and allow people to help me. Your encouragement continues to floor me again and again, and know that you are being faithful to God's call to carry one another's burdens and encourage and exhort one another in love. You have blessed me so much!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
"To the LORD I cry aloud, and He answers me from His holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again because the LORD sustains me" --Psalm 3:4-5
Greetings from the frozen tundra that is currently Wheaton, IL. Tonight's low is -11 degrees, with "wind chill values as low as -31." I kid you not. Needless to say, I will NOT be going outside anytime soon. AND, how convenient to have an actual excuse this winter to avoid the negative temperatures: "my weakened immune system simply isn't feeling like going outside." :)
Anyway, despite the frigid cold and the fact that Christmas break is now officially over, it is good to be back. My dad and I made the drive up last Wednesday and Thursday, and we concluded the journey by seeing Wicked in Chicago (which was so good!) on Thursday night. Friday morning my dad and I had some time before my mom got in and treatment happened, so we went to a museum and enjoyed some time in the city. That afternoon, my mom flew up, and I had Chemo #3 on Friday afternoon. Saturday morning my dad flew back home--thankfully, since a ton of flights were cancelled over the weekend--and then my mom and I stayed busy with getting me ready for the semester and settling back in. Sunday morning we went to breakfast with her best friend Sandy Boulden, and afterwards, she took my mom to the airport to fly home, and apparently they cried all the way there. Despite the sadness of saying goodbye to the rest of my family, I actually felt pretty well on Saturday and Sunday--I think being pretty active was a good thing as far as keeping me distracted from any fatigue by having to focus on the many errands at hand. My mom was amazing in setting me up--she organized my food and cooking supplies, made me some meals to reheat for times when I don't feel up to cooking, and was just great, in general. I love my family so much!
Anyway, so that was the weekend. Monday morning, my last (hopefully!) semester of college began--a little anti-climactic I guess, since it just kinda happened, but I stayed pretty busy knocking out some things I had to do, and I even made it to chapel. I stopped and talked to a good amount of people, hung out with some teammates, and then came back and crashed Monday night. Tuesday morning, I woke up slowly by taking my medications, sleeping for another 30 minutes, and then taking my time getting ready. I've found that's the best way to get ready--plan for a lot of time but take it slowly, and then things are generally ok. Praise the LORD that I made it to class on Tuesday--I wasn't sure whether I'd be able to or not since the ominous "Day 5" was yesterday, but seriously, He is so good, and though at points in the two hour long class I was tired and ready to book it, I survived! So, thankyou thankyou thankyou for your many prayers! That was huge--I wanted to make it to my first class (since it's pretty much all I have anyway) of the semester, so what a praise! Small sidenote--I went and saw my mom's two kindergarten classes last week while still at home, and they have been praying for me and sent me a care package for my first treatment and are altogether precious. So, when I called my mom yesterday to tell her that I'd made it to class and was not feeling AS bad as on the previous two "Day 5s," all the kindergartners started cheering and clapping. That just brings me joy!
Anyway--back to yesterday (Tuesday): I made it through class by the grace of God, and then I met with the registrar who was so understanding, and I finally came back around 2pm to just crash. It was the best Day 5 I've had so far, and while it wasn't a blast, PTL that I even DID anything! My freshman teammate Brooke and I had our first practice back coaching our 14s club volleyball team last night, so I tried to store up energy by being a bum yesterday afternoon, which apparently paid off because I made it through practice as well, which was another huge praise and not something I could have done on my own. Last night I slept a ton...I've found that, when I wake up in the middle of the night exhausted but unable to sleep for a few hours, a handy sedative the doctors prescribed to me is helpful...thus, last night I slept for almost 12 hours. I woke up slowly today, and I have been the absolute epitome of a bum today--I mean, besides the fact that I did, at least, make my bed and put away some clothes. Today the usual "Day 5 and 6" routine was more in place than yesterday, so I've been watching some TV, doing some reading, and just laying around. While that gets monotonous, it takes a lot of energy on these couple days to even just sit and talk to people, so I'm learning to be ok with not being super-productive once in a while.
On the note of feeling well enough to attend class and practice last night--I was definitely still beat and feeling nauseous at points, but I feel like I've learned some things already about how I want to live my life ALL the time and not just now that I have cancer. Every morning--and especially on days 5 and 6 (or other days following treatment), I literally have to seek the Lord and ask Him to give me the strength to get up, make anything of the day, and sustain me throughout it--and He absolutely has! And yet, having to so physically rely on Him to sustain me has also shown me how often, in the "easier times," I revert back to self-reliance. I know people say all the time something like, "it's easy to rely on Him when hard things come, but it's so much harder to rely on Him in the everyday," but that can definitely be true. Until I had to start really pleading for sustenance throughout the day on a physical level, I do believe my prayers were non-committal and went like, "Lord, give me the strength to go through this day," as I thought about how it wasn't going to be too hard to make it through a day when all I had to worry about was the amount of homework I hadn't done. I feel like I've already learned so much about really praying and meaning it when I ask, knowing how much I really do NEED Him. So, as a fairly independent person, it's been good for me to have to rely on Him each day for physical strength, but it's also something that I pray I don't stop doing come May when treatments should end. All of that to say, I have seen so many of His promises be true in ways I hadn't before--such as trusting that He will give me the strength that I need, etc.--that it's definitely made His word and promises so alive to me, so that's another huge praise!
For prayer requests, I would ask again for prayer over the next couple days that the side effects would be non-existent, that God would give me the strength I need for class and practice tomorrow, and to stay warm! Seriously though, when we went in for treatment on Friday and they took my blood, apparently part of my white blood cells were at a count of 150, which is VERY low. I asked my nurse Michelle, "if my white blood cells reach zero, ummm...does that mean I'm dead?" to which she replied "no," but said obviously my immune system would be SUPER low then. So, as the weather outside becomes more frightful and my immune system stays down in the pits, continued prayer against infections or illness would be huge. As for my hair, there's still some of it here--it's probably about half as thick as it was, but we're still praying for miracles there and that the rest will stay. As much as I hate the strands pulling out more and more, even in this, it's just made me come to the LORD without pretense and asking Him for this miracle while knowing how small and shallow of a request that is in the grand scheme of everything else. But, even the topic of "hair" has shown us God's faithfulness and support: My hairdresser Melissa Elledge in Dallas is amazing--aside from praying for me, she styled a wig for me, highlighting it at her house for free and washing my own hair (so that I didn't have to pull some out while washing it), and even in the things that seem insignificant eternally, God has just put people right in our path that have been such blessings!
Also, I would love continued prayer for my family. My mom's never-ending cry on the way to the airport was apparently because she hated to leave knowing how I'd feel on days 5 and 6 and not being able to help at all, and so prayer for her, my dad, and Katie and Madelyn as we're apart would be great. I know they'd love prayer for peace and rest in the midst of this, especially as they go about their normal routines. Lastly, my nurse Michelle flew to Tanzania today to help out medically over there for the next 6 weeks (so I'll miss 3 treatments with her), so please pray for her safety and that this would be eye-opening and life-changing!
As I've tried to think through "New Year's Resolutions" and other goals for the year, I was hit with the power of prayer and how I'd like to commit to praying more consistently for people. With so many people praying for me and my family, we have, again, felt such peace, and there are so many reasons to praise the Lord each day. Yet, in the midst of praying for my own healing and having so many people tell me they've been praying for me, I realized that, over the past two months, I've been pretty bad at praying for others. So, what better time to really commit to praying more than a time when I have hours to lay around sedentary or during all the nights when I can't fall back asleep?? All of that is to say that, I am trying to commit to praying for you--even those I don't know who've been praying for me--because I have seen how God truly does answer prayer and how dumb I am to not intercede for others more often.
I'll close this week's edition of "Hannah McGinnis, Up Close and Personal," with part of this post's title: "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me" Psalm 3:5. Man, on the nights when I just fall into bed and don't want to feel bad in the morning, this verse is huge. PTL that He redeems even the laziest of my days where I lay on the couch and watch TV while feeling poorly. Praise Him that His mercies are new each morning and that we have the promise that He will sustain us when we wake up to face the day.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Anyway, despite the frigid cold and the fact that Christmas break is now officially over, it is good to be back. My dad and I made the drive up last Wednesday and Thursday, and we concluded the journey by seeing Wicked in Chicago (which was so good!) on Thursday night. Friday morning my dad and I had some time before my mom got in and treatment happened, so we went to a museum and enjoyed some time in the city. That afternoon, my mom flew up, and I had Chemo #3 on Friday afternoon. Saturday morning my dad flew back home--thankfully, since a ton of flights were cancelled over the weekend--and then my mom and I stayed busy with getting me ready for the semester and settling back in. Sunday morning we went to breakfast with her best friend Sandy Boulden, and afterwards, she took my mom to the airport to fly home, and apparently they cried all the way there. Despite the sadness of saying goodbye to the rest of my family, I actually felt pretty well on Saturday and Sunday--I think being pretty active was a good thing as far as keeping me distracted from any fatigue by having to focus on the many errands at hand. My mom was amazing in setting me up--she organized my food and cooking supplies, made me some meals to reheat for times when I don't feel up to cooking, and was just great, in general. I love my family so much!
Anyway, so that was the weekend. Monday morning, my last (hopefully!) semester of college began--a little anti-climactic I guess, since it just kinda happened, but I stayed pretty busy knocking out some things I had to do, and I even made it to chapel. I stopped and talked to a good amount of people, hung out with some teammates, and then came back and crashed Monday night. Tuesday morning, I woke up slowly by taking my medications, sleeping for another 30 minutes, and then taking my time getting ready. I've found that's the best way to get ready--plan for a lot of time but take it slowly, and then things are generally ok. Praise the LORD that I made it to class on Tuesday--I wasn't sure whether I'd be able to or not since the ominous "Day 5" was yesterday, but seriously, He is so good, and though at points in the two hour long class I was tired and ready to book it, I survived! So, thankyou thankyou thankyou for your many prayers! That was huge--I wanted to make it to my first class (since it's pretty much all I have anyway) of the semester, so what a praise! Small sidenote--I went and saw my mom's two kindergarten classes last week while still at home, and they have been praying for me and sent me a care package for my first treatment and are altogether precious. So, when I called my mom yesterday to tell her that I'd made it to class and was not feeling AS bad as on the previous two "Day 5s," all the kindergartners started cheering and clapping. That just brings me joy!
Anyway--back to yesterday (Tuesday): I made it through class by the grace of God, and then I met with the registrar who was so understanding, and I finally came back around 2pm to just crash. It was the best Day 5 I've had so far, and while it wasn't a blast, PTL that I even DID anything! My freshman teammate Brooke and I had our first practice back coaching our 14s club volleyball team last night, so I tried to store up energy by being a bum yesterday afternoon, which apparently paid off because I made it through practice as well, which was another huge praise and not something I could have done on my own. Last night I slept a ton...I've found that, when I wake up in the middle of the night exhausted but unable to sleep for a few hours, a handy sedative the doctors prescribed to me is helpful...thus, last night I slept for almost 12 hours. I woke up slowly today, and I have been the absolute epitome of a bum today--I mean, besides the fact that I did, at least, make my bed and put away some clothes. Today the usual "Day 5 and 6" routine was more in place than yesterday, so I've been watching some TV, doing some reading, and just laying around. While that gets monotonous, it takes a lot of energy on these couple days to even just sit and talk to people, so I'm learning to be ok with not being super-productive once in a while.
On the note of feeling well enough to attend class and practice last night--I was definitely still beat and feeling nauseous at points, but I feel like I've learned some things already about how I want to live my life ALL the time and not just now that I have cancer. Every morning--and especially on days 5 and 6 (or other days following treatment), I literally have to seek the Lord and ask Him to give me the strength to get up, make anything of the day, and sustain me throughout it--and He absolutely has! And yet, having to so physically rely on Him to sustain me has also shown me how often, in the "easier times," I revert back to self-reliance. I know people say all the time something like, "it's easy to rely on Him when hard things come, but it's so much harder to rely on Him in the everyday," but that can definitely be true. Until I had to start really pleading for sustenance throughout the day on a physical level, I do believe my prayers were non-committal and went like, "Lord, give me the strength to go through this day," as I thought about how it wasn't going to be too hard to make it through a day when all I had to worry about was the amount of homework I hadn't done. I feel like I've already learned so much about really praying and meaning it when I ask, knowing how much I really do NEED Him. So, as a fairly independent person, it's been good for me to have to rely on Him each day for physical strength, but it's also something that I pray I don't stop doing come May when treatments should end. All of that to say, I have seen so many of His promises be true in ways I hadn't before--such as trusting that He will give me the strength that I need, etc.--that it's definitely made His word and promises so alive to me, so that's another huge praise!
For prayer requests, I would ask again for prayer over the next couple days that the side effects would be non-existent, that God would give me the strength I need for class and practice tomorrow, and to stay warm! Seriously though, when we went in for treatment on Friday and they took my blood, apparently part of my white blood cells were at a count of 150, which is VERY low. I asked my nurse Michelle, "if my white blood cells reach zero, ummm...does that mean I'm dead?" to which she replied "no," but said obviously my immune system would be SUPER low then. So, as the weather outside becomes more frightful and my immune system stays down in the pits, continued prayer against infections or illness would be huge. As for my hair, there's still some of it here--it's probably about half as thick as it was, but we're still praying for miracles there and that the rest will stay. As much as I hate the strands pulling out more and more, even in this, it's just made me come to the LORD without pretense and asking Him for this miracle while knowing how small and shallow of a request that is in the grand scheme of everything else. But, even the topic of "hair" has shown us God's faithfulness and support: My hairdresser Melissa Elledge in Dallas is amazing--aside from praying for me, she styled a wig for me, highlighting it at her house for free and washing my own hair (so that I didn't have to pull some out while washing it), and even in the things that seem insignificant eternally, God has just put people right in our path that have been such blessings!
Also, I would love continued prayer for my family. My mom's never-ending cry on the way to the airport was apparently because she hated to leave knowing how I'd feel on days 5 and 6 and not being able to help at all, and so prayer for her, my dad, and Katie and Madelyn as we're apart would be great. I know they'd love prayer for peace and rest in the midst of this, especially as they go about their normal routines. Lastly, my nurse Michelle flew to Tanzania today to help out medically over there for the next 6 weeks (so I'll miss 3 treatments with her), so please pray for her safety and that this would be eye-opening and life-changing!
As I've tried to think through "New Year's Resolutions" and other goals for the year, I was hit with the power of prayer and how I'd like to commit to praying more consistently for people. With so many people praying for me and my family, we have, again, felt such peace, and there are so many reasons to praise the Lord each day. Yet, in the midst of praying for my own healing and having so many people tell me they've been praying for me, I realized that, over the past two months, I've been pretty bad at praying for others. So, what better time to really commit to praying more than a time when I have hours to lay around sedentary or during all the nights when I can't fall back asleep?? All of that is to say that, I am trying to commit to praying for you--even those I don't know who've been praying for me--because I have seen how God truly does answer prayer and how dumb I am to not intercede for others more often.
I'll close this week's edition of "Hannah McGinnis, Up Close and Personal," with part of this post's title: "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me" Psalm 3:5. Man, on the nights when I just fall into bed and don't want to feel bad in the morning, this verse is huge. PTL that He redeems even the laziest of my days where I lay on the couch and watch TV while feeling poorly. Praise Him that His mercies are new each morning and that we have the promise that He will sustain us when we wake up to face the day.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Sunday, January 4, 2009
"The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made." --Psalm145:13b
Happy New Year! So sorry it's been a while, but I hope yall had blessed Christmases and New Year celebrations as well! We have enjoyed the holidays here in Fairview, and even more than the time to rest, I was thrilled with the 80 degree weather we had yesterday. In January. That's amazing. (although, of course, it's 43 right now. all good things must come to an end, apparently).
Anyway, how about a recap of the past week or so? I had my 2nd treatment on Wednesday (Christmas Eve) down in Dallas, and it was definitely a different experience than my treatment at Northwestern in Chicago, but it was such a blessing to get in even--especially on Christmas Eve. The doctor was a little more frank, but it gave my dad, my friend Caroline, and I some laughs as the doctor said, "You could be dead" in a very blunt manner. I mean, it's a true statement when you think about it, but when sitting in a hospital room on Christmas Eve, it nevertheless made us laugh a little and say, "Well, yes, that's true. I tell myself that every day when I wake up." So, treatment happened, and I felt great on Christmas, which is a huge praise! Thanks for so many prayers for that! I got a little tired, but then again, at one point, about five of us McGinnis cousins were sleeping around my grandparents' couches, so I can't really say whether my fatigue was isolated to chemo or not. The day after Christmas (Friday) I also felt pretty well--again, just a little tired physically--or maybe drained is a better word, since it's not like I was falling asleep at meals or anything, but I just felt fatigued.
Saturday was when I started to feel the effects with a little more force, and that was day 4 of the treatment cycle. If the past two treatments were indicative of how every treatment will go, then we pretty much know that days 5 and 6 post-treatment are the worst. Go figure. I haven't had any of the nausea they warn about on days 2 and 3 after chemo (so the day following treatment and the 2nd day after treatment), but man--day 5 and 6 are not fun. Basically, my plan on those days is to sleep late and go to bed early so that the number of hours I wrestle through on those days is minimal. That probably sounds bad, and I can imagine at other times telling myself that the point of life is to not just "get through" the bad days, but that's nevertheless where I stand right now. Ugghhh. I don't like those days. On day 5--it's been isolated to that day both times--my mouth hurts something fierce. To better describe that, if you've had your wisdom teeth out, that's kind of how my mouth feels on day 5. My teeth, gums, and jaw just ACHE, and any time I eat anything on that day (not so much on day 6), there's a sharp pain at the back of my mouth that goes across my jaw. I have no clue how or why that happens, except to say that chemotherapy basically poisons all fast-growing cells in the body. So, it's great that it kills the fast-growing cells that are tumors, but it can't differentiate between the good and bad fast-growing cells, thus why people have problems with their mouths, stomachs, and hair. All of those locations (and probably more, I'm no expert) have fast-growing cells. So, thus the random jaw pain on day 5. The rest of me just aches--again like I have the flu--on days 5 and 6, but on day 7 both times I have started to turn the corner. Also, I found out that only 10-29% of people undergoing this treatment have flu-like symptoms. Real cool. Good thing I'm apparently really rare in some things--contracting a disease only 7000 people a year get, and of those, being in the 10-29% who get the flu-like symptoms.
After days 5, 6, and some of day 7, I start to turn the corner, and starting on day 8 (which was Wednesday of this week), I feel great. Like, VERY normal. And when I'm not running from place to place once I'm back at school, I feel good enough on the 2nd week that I could workout, play volleyball, etc. I just have to brace myself for those other days. Because of that, we're thinking about moving treatment to Wednesdays instead of Thursdays when I'm back at Wheaton because if we move them, that puts day 5 and 6 on Sundays and Mondays, with the not-as-bad day 7 on Tuesday. Since I only have a class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and since I've actually felt pretty decent on the day immediately following treatment, we're thinking Wednesdays might work better, so that way I can go to class the morning after treatment, have the weekend to get beyond the dreaded days 5 and 6, and then, while day 7 is no party, I at least can foresee getting up to go to a class again on Tuesday. I'll let you know what we do about that, though.
As I said, about a week after treatment, which is also a week before the next treatment, I feel really normal, which is a huge praise. It gives a little perspective and hope for this whole process, because as much as I just wrestle through days 5, 6, and 7, knowing that I will feel so normal for a week is a huge blessing and bit of hope in the midst of that. Since Tuesday, I've been much less sedentary, which is nice for a change. For my parents' 26th anniversary on New Year's Day, they took us out WITH them for a change, and it was nice to be at our favorite restaurant (which is Hawaiian and reminds us of our favorite memories) together. Everywhere we go, it seems like we run into someone who is praying for us, or we meet someone who has an encouraging word or knows someone else who had Hodgkin's before--our waiter at Roy's had a best friend years ago who survived it and is doing great. So crazy that so many people know Hodgkin's survivors because it's rare, and before this, we knew nothing about it at all. But, God is good in that way and has just provided--even with encouragement--in huge ways.
And now on to prayer requests: my dad and I are going to start the drive back to Wheaton/Chicago on Wednesday, splitting it up and arriving Thursday afternoon. We're gonna hang out in Chicago that night, see Wicked, and finish off feeling great with a bang, hopefully. Friday at 3 I have chemo number 3, which starts the 2nd round of chemo. Sidenote--I cannot believe that it's already January and we've already finished one round of chemo! Things have just gone SO fast since finding out the day before Thanksgiving, that it's CRAZY to look back at the past month and a half. Praise the Lord for ordering all of our steps, orchestrating all of the appointments, and getting us so far in such little time. That too has given us hope in the midst of some not fun days, as we see that, before we know it, one round has finished, a month has passed, and we're that much closer to the finish line of this road. Anyway, back to chemo number 3: My mom flies in to Chicago on Friday afternoon after she's done with school, so she'll spend the evening with us and stay till Sunday night, trading off duties as my dad flies back home Saturday morning to be with Madelyn as she has her first club volleyball tournament of this massively important season for her volleyball future. Somewhere in this next week, Katie will be heading out to Colorado and trying to figure out what she's doing and where she'll be for a while, so I think a huge request would be for safety as we all disperse throughout the country--my dad and I on the 15 hour drive to Chicago, my mom and dad on their respective flights, Madelyn as we ditch her for a night and as she starts her club season, and Katie as she makes the 12 hour drive to the Springs and figures out her plans. If any of that was confusing or sounds exhausting, just know that you get used to it if that's how your family lives for 21 years.
Anyway, with the third treatment approaching, and the inevitable days 5 and 6 looming around the corner, I would LOVE your prayers specifically on those days. For this treatment, that means day 5 is Tuesday, January 13th (and incidentally my first day of class...bad timing but we wanted to extend my time at home instead of doing Wed. treatment and having to leave like tomorrow), and day 6 is Wednesday, January 14th. And as for specific prayers, just that my mouth won't hurt, that I can eat--always a good thing, and that there will be no body aches. Also, continued prayers for no other side effects would be so great--especially that I keep my hair. I'm losing strands, but no "clumps" that they warn against, so we're praying daily that it just thins. We already know that the all side effects are different person to person, but apparently you can get different side effects each time, so feel free to throw in some prayers against the catagory of "other" side effects, too. :)
I had dinner last night with some Kanakuk staff I worked with this past summer, and one of my friends (Sarah-Graham!) asked me if the support has been overwhelming, and she said in both senses (good and bad) of the word. I told her that, if she means overwhelming in a good sense, then absolutely yes. I am not a girl that cries a whole lot--I like to tell myself to suck it up, and that works for a long time, until the wall breaks and I have a minor melt-down. That said, if you catch me crying usually, you're probably one of my closest friends or just in the wrong place at the wrong time. However, I have seriously been brought to tears at random times so often in the past month and a half. With every e-mail, voicemail, text, facebook message, or even e-mail to my parents, I am absolutely touched by the love that people have shown. So yes, that has been overwhelming in a good sense, so thank you. I say that in most posts, but seriously, I don't want that to go unappreciated. On that note, yes, it has been a little overwhelming in a sense of messages lining up in my inbox--don't be afraid to e-mail me at all!--but, my goal is to respond to each one--not because it's a duty or anything, but because I function based off of encouragement in everyday life, so you cannot even know how huge each e-mail really has been in this time. And, because of that, I genuinely want to thank each person for encouraging me and my family, but I've been slacking on that. So know that my goal is to respond, but if I e-mail you back in a month and you're thinking "what is this girl thanking me for?!?" because you forgot that you e-mailed me at the end of last year, please bear with me. :)
All I have left to say is how thankful I am for a sovereign God who truly loves us. When I felt bad on the ominous days I won't mention post-treatment, my mom came up and literally put me to bed, tucking me in, and praying for me. Seeing how much it pains my parents when I'm just feeling BAD has totally put things in perspective for me. I can't tell you why bad things happen (I mean, I could give you a great explanation of sin, etc., but you know what I mean). I CAN, however, tell you that, just as my parents love me so greatly that it is so hard for them when I'm just laying on the couch in pain, and I want to feel better just to make the pained looks on their faces go away, how much more the Father loves us. He created us, and I guess something I saw this past week when my mom tucked me into bed was just a picture of how hard it is for Him to see us suffer and struggle through things. He's not some callous deity sitting removed from us and just waiting for us to fall. He is our Father, and just as it hurts my parents when I hurt, He loves us even more than that--probably why he put his Son on the cross for us. That may seem like common sense to yall, but something about seeing your parents suffer over your pain has made that so real to me--just how much He does love us and suffers through things WITH us and before us, too. Anyway, He is good. One of the Psalms I read speaks about that, saying, "Praise Him for His acts of power; Praise Him for His surpassing greatness," (Psalm 150:2), and that's something that we have absolutely seen so far in this--not only can we praise Him for all the things He's DONE, but so much more for who He IS and His "surpassing greatness."
Thank you again! One round down, 5 to go! Have a blessed week!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Anyway, how about a recap of the past week or so? I had my 2nd treatment on Wednesday (Christmas Eve) down in Dallas, and it was definitely a different experience than my treatment at Northwestern in Chicago, but it was such a blessing to get in even--especially on Christmas Eve. The doctor was a little more frank, but it gave my dad, my friend Caroline, and I some laughs as the doctor said, "You could be dead" in a very blunt manner. I mean, it's a true statement when you think about it, but when sitting in a hospital room on Christmas Eve, it nevertheless made us laugh a little and say, "Well, yes, that's true. I tell myself that every day when I wake up." So, treatment happened, and I felt great on Christmas, which is a huge praise! Thanks for so many prayers for that! I got a little tired, but then again, at one point, about five of us McGinnis cousins were sleeping around my grandparents' couches, so I can't really say whether my fatigue was isolated to chemo or not. The day after Christmas (Friday) I also felt pretty well--again, just a little tired physically--or maybe drained is a better word, since it's not like I was falling asleep at meals or anything, but I just felt fatigued.
Saturday was when I started to feel the effects with a little more force, and that was day 4 of the treatment cycle. If the past two treatments were indicative of how every treatment will go, then we pretty much know that days 5 and 6 post-treatment are the worst. Go figure. I haven't had any of the nausea they warn about on days 2 and 3 after chemo (so the day following treatment and the 2nd day after treatment), but man--day 5 and 6 are not fun. Basically, my plan on those days is to sleep late and go to bed early so that the number of hours I wrestle through on those days is minimal. That probably sounds bad, and I can imagine at other times telling myself that the point of life is to not just "get through" the bad days, but that's nevertheless where I stand right now. Ugghhh. I don't like those days. On day 5--it's been isolated to that day both times--my mouth hurts something fierce. To better describe that, if you've had your wisdom teeth out, that's kind of how my mouth feels on day 5. My teeth, gums, and jaw just ACHE, and any time I eat anything on that day (not so much on day 6), there's a sharp pain at the back of my mouth that goes across my jaw. I have no clue how or why that happens, except to say that chemotherapy basically poisons all fast-growing cells in the body. So, it's great that it kills the fast-growing cells that are tumors, but it can't differentiate between the good and bad fast-growing cells, thus why people have problems with their mouths, stomachs, and hair. All of those locations (and probably more, I'm no expert) have fast-growing cells. So, thus the random jaw pain on day 5. The rest of me just aches--again like I have the flu--on days 5 and 6, but on day 7 both times I have started to turn the corner. Also, I found out that only 10-29% of people undergoing this treatment have flu-like symptoms. Real cool. Good thing I'm apparently really rare in some things--contracting a disease only 7000 people a year get, and of those, being in the 10-29% who get the flu-like symptoms.
After days 5, 6, and some of day 7, I start to turn the corner, and starting on day 8 (which was Wednesday of this week), I feel great. Like, VERY normal. And when I'm not running from place to place once I'm back at school, I feel good enough on the 2nd week that I could workout, play volleyball, etc. I just have to brace myself for those other days. Because of that, we're thinking about moving treatment to Wednesdays instead of Thursdays when I'm back at Wheaton because if we move them, that puts day 5 and 6 on Sundays and Mondays, with the not-as-bad day 7 on Tuesday. Since I only have a class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and since I've actually felt pretty decent on the day immediately following treatment, we're thinking Wednesdays might work better, so that way I can go to class the morning after treatment, have the weekend to get beyond the dreaded days 5 and 6, and then, while day 7 is no party, I at least can foresee getting up to go to a class again on Tuesday. I'll let you know what we do about that, though.
As I said, about a week after treatment, which is also a week before the next treatment, I feel really normal, which is a huge praise. It gives a little perspective and hope for this whole process, because as much as I just wrestle through days 5, 6, and 7, knowing that I will feel so normal for a week is a huge blessing and bit of hope in the midst of that. Since Tuesday, I've been much less sedentary, which is nice for a change. For my parents' 26th anniversary on New Year's Day, they took us out WITH them for a change, and it was nice to be at our favorite restaurant (which is Hawaiian and reminds us of our favorite memories) together. Everywhere we go, it seems like we run into someone who is praying for us, or we meet someone who has an encouraging word or knows someone else who had Hodgkin's before--our waiter at Roy's had a best friend years ago who survived it and is doing great. So crazy that so many people know Hodgkin's survivors because it's rare, and before this, we knew nothing about it at all. But, God is good in that way and has just provided--even with encouragement--in huge ways.
And now on to prayer requests: my dad and I are going to start the drive back to Wheaton/Chicago on Wednesday, splitting it up and arriving Thursday afternoon. We're gonna hang out in Chicago that night, see Wicked, and finish off feeling great with a bang, hopefully. Friday at 3 I have chemo number 3, which starts the 2nd round of chemo. Sidenote--I cannot believe that it's already January and we've already finished one round of chemo! Things have just gone SO fast since finding out the day before Thanksgiving, that it's CRAZY to look back at the past month and a half. Praise the Lord for ordering all of our steps, orchestrating all of the appointments, and getting us so far in such little time. That too has given us hope in the midst of some not fun days, as we see that, before we know it, one round has finished, a month has passed, and we're that much closer to the finish line of this road. Anyway, back to chemo number 3: My mom flies in to Chicago on Friday afternoon after she's done with school, so she'll spend the evening with us and stay till Sunday night, trading off duties as my dad flies back home Saturday morning to be with Madelyn as she has her first club volleyball tournament of this massively important season for her volleyball future. Somewhere in this next week, Katie will be heading out to Colorado and trying to figure out what she's doing and where she'll be for a while, so I think a huge request would be for safety as we all disperse throughout the country--my dad and I on the 15 hour drive to Chicago, my mom and dad on their respective flights, Madelyn as we ditch her for a night and as she starts her club season, and Katie as she makes the 12 hour drive to the Springs and figures out her plans. If any of that was confusing or sounds exhausting, just know that you get used to it if that's how your family lives for 21 years.
Anyway, with the third treatment approaching, and the inevitable days 5 and 6 looming around the corner, I would LOVE your prayers specifically on those days. For this treatment, that means day 5 is Tuesday, January 13th (and incidentally my first day of class...bad timing but we wanted to extend my time at home instead of doing Wed. treatment and having to leave like tomorrow), and day 6 is Wednesday, January 14th. And as for specific prayers, just that my mouth won't hurt, that I can eat--always a good thing, and that there will be no body aches. Also, continued prayers for no other side effects would be so great--especially that I keep my hair. I'm losing strands, but no "clumps" that they warn against, so we're praying daily that it just thins. We already know that the all side effects are different person to person, but apparently you can get different side effects each time, so feel free to throw in some prayers against the catagory of "other" side effects, too. :)
I had dinner last night with some Kanakuk staff I worked with this past summer, and one of my friends (Sarah-Graham!) asked me if the support has been overwhelming, and she said in both senses (good and bad) of the word. I told her that, if she means overwhelming in a good sense, then absolutely yes. I am not a girl that cries a whole lot--I like to tell myself to suck it up, and that works for a long time, until the wall breaks and I have a minor melt-down. That said, if you catch me crying usually, you're probably one of my closest friends or just in the wrong place at the wrong time. However, I have seriously been brought to tears at random times so often in the past month and a half. With every e-mail, voicemail, text, facebook message, or even e-mail to my parents, I am absolutely touched by the love that people have shown. So yes, that has been overwhelming in a good sense, so thank you. I say that in most posts, but seriously, I don't want that to go unappreciated. On that note, yes, it has been a little overwhelming in a sense of messages lining up in my inbox--don't be afraid to e-mail me at all!--but, my goal is to respond to each one--not because it's a duty or anything, but because I function based off of encouragement in everyday life, so you cannot even know how huge each e-mail really has been in this time. And, because of that, I genuinely want to thank each person for encouraging me and my family, but I've been slacking on that. So know that my goal is to respond, but if I e-mail you back in a month and you're thinking "what is this girl thanking me for?!?" because you forgot that you e-mailed me at the end of last year, please bear with me. :)
All I have left to say is how thankful I am for a sovereign God who truly loves us. When I felt bad on the ominous days I won't mention post-treatment, my mom came up and literally put me to bed, tucking me in, and praying for me. Seeing how much it pains my parents when I'm just feeling BAD has totally put things in perspective for me. I can't tell you why bad things happen (I mean, I could give you a great explanation of sin, etc., but you know what I mean). I CAN, however, tell you that, just as my parents love me so greatly that it is so hard for them when I'm just laying on the couch in pain, and I want to feel better just to make the pained looks on their faces go away, how much more the Father loves us. He created us, and I guess something I saw this past week when my mom tucked me into bed was just a picture of how hard it is for Him to see us suffer and struggle through things. He's not some callous deity sitting removed from us and just waiting for us to fall. He is our Father, and just as it hurts my parents when I hurt, He loves us even more than that--probably why he put his Son on the cross for us. That may seem like common sense to yall, but something about seeing your parents suffer over your pain has made that so real to me--just how much He does love us and suffers through things WITH us and before us, too. Anyway, He is good. One of the Psalms I read speaks about that, saying, "Praise Him for His acts of power; Praise Him for His surpassing greatness," (Psalm 150:2), and that's something that we have absolutely seen so far in this--not only can we praise Him for all the things He's DONE, but so much more for who He IS and His "surpassing greatness."
Thank you again! One round down, 5 to go! Have a blessed week!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
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