So, "How's that book coming along?" you might wonder. Well, it's almost finished! I'm done writing it and now working through final, detailed editing. April was really great for writing and editing. I'm so much better at editing on actual paper—there's something about being able to physically cross out errors or draw arrows to move paragraphs around that makes my process go much smoother than on a computer. So, when I realized that, the book took off! Hallelujah because it's been an arduous process.
I've told a lot of people about my book and how I'm going about publishing it, but here's a little more info. Basically, very few companies will publish first-time authors. Now, if you're like me, you think, "Hmmm, so how does someone ever get published?" and that's a good question...and one I haven't mastered yet. But, I'm hoping to work with WestBow Press, which is the independent division of Thomas Nelson. The only issue is that they need money up front, and for those who know me well, I'm broke. Teaching high school in Hawaii didn't exactly allow my savings account to build up.
Kickstarter.com is a site that lets people raise money for their creative projects while offering rewards at different donation levels (i.e. a copy of my book when it comes out), and I'm trying to use that to pay for a publishing package. CNN, The New York Times, the BBC, and Time Magazine among others have featured the site, and it has a cool set up. I have 30 days to raise my money, and if I do, I keep it and pay the publisher, but if I don't raise it, every cent goes back to the donors, so there's little risk involved. Worst-case-scenario, if I don't raise the money, people only lose the time they spent looking at my page. :)
So, today is the day I launch my page. Stress! It's a huge praise that they accepted my project, and now I'm going to spend the next thirty days praying for God to provide—pretty much what I've spent this year doing as I've needed His guidance for this new endeavor in my life. If you at all want to help me, I would so appreciate it. I realize that already so many people have helped me immensely by praying for me over the years and encouraging me. What really would help is if you want to pass along my site to anyone you think might be interested. Not only can it help me reach my total, but it can also get the word out about my book, and I feel strongly about it.
I didn't leave Hawaii and move to flat and insufferably hot Dallas because I had a whimsical idea to be a bum and try writing for a while. This book has been on my heart for the past three years, and I feel like I'm supposed to be obedient and go for it—not so that everyone can read how awesome (not!) my life is but because there's a need for resources for young adults with cancer. Every time someone has passed on my blog or referred a friend with cancer to me, I've been reminded how passionate I am about helping others battling the disease.
Below is a link to my Kickstarter page. Even if you just stop by to learn more, I would be so grateful! The more people that know about the book, the more people (hopefully!) it can encourage when it comes out.
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/hannahmcginnis/what-in-the-world-are-you-doing-with-cancer
Thanks to everyone who's been on my team in this process—for encouraging me, praying for me, checking in on me, and believing in me and where God's leading.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Finishing Strong
Here's the truth that's bombarded me lately: I suck at long-term goals.
I'm really good at setting goals three months at a time. I set new goals each year from January-March, April-June, July-September, and October-December. That's manageable for me, and I like charting progress over time, but only a short period of time.
Long-term goals, on the other hand, are my nemesis. I start out really well and full of energy, and then, somewhere in the middle, I lose sight of my purpose, get discouraged, and want to bail out. I've always known this about myself, but somehow I'm still surprised amidst long-term goal situations when I start muddling through. I have a bracelet that says, "Finish Strong," and that became my motto one summer during college. I know I need to finish strong, I tell myself to finish strong, and yet, the act of finishing strong isn't exactly made easier by either of those.
That's currently the state of my book. I'm so close to finishing it, but I lost sight of the goal somewhere over the last few months because it still seemed overwhelming and so incomplete. Never mind that I've been exponentially further along than when I started back in August; the goal still seemed too big. So I muddled through, discouraged, doubting my purpose, and wondering if I made a huge mistake in moving home. Despite all of that, in the back of my mind, I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I was supposed to do this...and still am.
With all of this, I'm running a ½ marathon this weekend at Disney World. I'm running it in spite of the fact that my knees and I have a turbulent relationship, that my orthopedic doctor flat-out told me I was not built to run long distances, and that my journey has included passing out, physical therapy, and dropping loads of money on race fees, running shoes, and rehab.
My knees suck—my kneecaps don't track correctly, and that's not a fun feeling...especially when I literally can't bend them anymore. I get really frustrated because I've trained faithfully, but I've seen people whose training sucks and have done very little athletically before yet pick up the idea of running a ½ marathon and execute it without problems. That's more than a little irritating.
Sometimes when I'm running and, nine or ten miles in, I can't bend my knees, I've literally shouted, "Seriously, can't I just be exempt from this?!?" Who I'm shouting at is up for debate. It's probably half at my knees and half at God.... At those points, I'm thinking that I've already freaking had cancer, so don't I, like, get a pass on having atrocious knees? Haven't I kind of "served my time" with the whole "my-body-hates-me" thing?
Obviously I know the answers to those, and this race is not even that important in the grand scheme of things anyway, but it has come to be significantly symbolic in my life. I've realized that my frustrations in running that cause me to shout out how angry I am at the obstacles in my way are symptomatic of a bigger frustration. Underneath it all, I don't really need to run successfully; what I really need is to know that I can finish something I've started. I can plead with God to let me run without having issues, but I'm really pleading for a victory with a long-term goal, to finish what I've started.
Running has become strangely important for that purpose. I don't actually care that much about being a successful runner—I'm still a volleyball player through and through, and as I mentioned, I'm apparently not even built to run. But, I've been training for this since October when I paid for it—but even before that when I was running 5Ks, so I'm into my sixth month of training. That may be nothing for you, but for me, this task has now eclipsed my preferential short term goals.
All of this is to say that I'm really excited for my race this weekend. I need to finish it and know that I can complete a task I've so faithfully prepared for. I didn't skip a single run. When weather's been bad, when work has conflicted, and when I've been sick, I've rescheduled runs, but I have still faithfully completed 12+ weeks of specific training for this race. Everyone who's heard me talk about my race probably thinks, "Okay, Hannah, what's the big deal? I've run a ½ marathon. People do them all the time," and those statements are true. However, this IS a big deal to me.
Most of all, I need this race because it's coinciding with my struggles to complete my book. It's almost like if I can finish this well, I can finish my book. My only motivator in this has been myself. It's been pretty much a solitary process, and while that might sound like a bummer, it's actually not; I've needed to do this alone. I know community's important, but I've needed to know that I can see a goal, motivate myself to faithfully prepare for it, and complete it—not because my parents are making me, not because a doctor's telling me to, and not because school or work requires it—but simply because I want to and can.
I wanted to share this because I'm excited but also guessing many others struggle to finish strong. If you suck at long-term goals or if you, also, need a victory, I encourage you to find a hobby or task completely unrelated to the long-term goal you're struggling with. Work to complete that and remind yourself that you can and will finish strong.
Communication books explain that confidence is "knowing you have the ability to complete something successfully"—it's not even HAVING the ability to complete something successfully, but it's BELIEVING we can be successful. It's like those terrible singers who audition for American Idol—they're confident, not because they CAN sing well, but because they BELIEVE they can sing well.
Confidence for my run means knowing I can complete it successfully, and for that, I'm not nervous at all. That doesn't mean the elements won't intervene or my knees won't dislocate—heaven forbid I don't finish, but it could happen. Still, I'm confident because I know that I can now run my ½ marathon successfully. With my book, I've been lacking confidence. I could fail, no one could publish it, and even if someone does publish it, no one could read it. However, I'm realizing that those issues aren't causing my doubt. The issue is that I've apparently been in great need of a confidence boost to complete my book—to believe that I CAN finish this and finish it well—and running has helped show me that, though long-term goals aren't my forte, I can successfully tackle them.
So, wish me luck on Sunday as I run through Magic Kingdom and Epcot, and feel free to pray that the threat of rain goes away and that my knees are miraculously pain-free. And, whatever you're working on or dealing with, finish strong, friend.
I'm really good at setting goals three months at a time. I set new goals each year from January-March, April-June, July-September, and October-December. That's manageable for me, and I like charting progress over time, but only a short period of time.
Long-term goals, on the other hand, are my nemesis. I start out really well and full of energy, and then, somewhere in the middle, I lose sight of my purpose, get discouraged, and want to bail out. I've always known this about myself, but somehow I'm still surprised amidst long-term goal situations when I start muddling through. I have a bracelet that says, "Finish Strong," and that became my motto one summer during college. I know I need to finish strong, I tell myself to finish strong, and yet, the act of finishing strong isn't exactly made easier by either of those.
That's currently the state of my book. I'm so close to finishing it, but I lost sight of the goal somewhere over the last few months because it still seemed overwhelming and so incomplete. Never mind that I've been exponentially further along than when I started back in August; the goal still seemed too big. So I muddled through, discouraged, doubting my purpose, and wondering if I made a huge mistake in moving home. Despite all of that, in the back of my mind, I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I was supposed to do this...and still am.
With all of this, I'm running a ½ marathon this weekend at Disney World. I'm running it in spite of the fact that my knees and I have a turbulent relationship, that my orthopedic doctor flat-out told me I was not built to run long distances, and that my journey has included passing out, physical therapy, and dropping loads of money on race fees, running shoes, and rehab.
My knees suck—my kneecaps don't track correctly, and that's not a fun feeling...especially when I literally can't bend them anymore. I get really frustrated because I've trained faithfully, but I've seen people whose training sucks and have done very little athletically before yet pick up the idea of running a ½ marathon and execute it without problems. That's more than a little irritating.
Sometimes when I'm running and, nine or ten miles in, I can't bend my knees, I've literally shouted, "Seriously, can't I just be exempt from this?!?" Who I'm shouting at is up for debate. It's probably half at my knees and half at God.... At those points, I'm thinking that I've already freaking had cancer, so don't I, like, get a pass on having atrocious knees? Haven't I kind of "served my time" with the whole "my-body-hates-me" thing?
Obviously I know the answers to those, and this race is not even that important in the grand scheme of things anyway, but it has come to be significantly symbolic in my life. I've realized that my frustrations in running that cause me to shout out how angry I am at the obstacles in my way are symptomatic of a bigger frustration. Underneath it all, I don't really need to run successfully; what I really need is to know that I can finish something I've started. I can plead with God to let me run without having issues, but I'm really pleading for a victory with a long-term goal, to finish what I've started.
Running has become strangely important for that purpose. I don't actually care that much about being a successful runner—I'm still a volleyball player through and through, and as I mentioned, I'm apparently not even built to run. But, I've been training for this since October when I paid for it—but even before that when I was running 5Ks, so I'm into my sixth month of training. That may be nothing for you, but for me, this task has now eclipsed my preferential short term goals.
All of this is to say that I'm really excited for my race this weekend. I need to finish it and know that I can complete a task I've so faithfully prepared for. I didn't skip a single run. When weather's been bad, when work has conflicted, and when I've been sick, I've rescheduled runs, but I have still faithfully completed 12+ weeks of specific training for this race. Everyone who's heard me talk about my race probably thinks, "Okay, Hannah, what's the big deal? I've run a ½ marathon. People do them all the time," and those statements are true. However, this IS a big deal to me.
Most of all, I need this race because it's coinciding with my struggles to complete my book. It's almost like if I can finish this well, I can finish my book. My only motivator in this has been myself. It's been pretty much a solitary process, and while that might sound like a bummer, it's actually not; I've needed to do this alone. I know community's important, but I've needed to know that I can see a goal, motivate myself to faithfully prepare for it, and complete it—not because my parents are making me, not because a doctor's telling me to, and not because school or work requires it—but simply because I want to and can.
I wanted to share this because I'm excited but also guessing many others struggle to finish strong. If you suck at long-term goals or if you, also, need a victory, I encourage you to find a hobby or task completely unrelated to the long-term goal you're struggling with. Work to complete that and remind yourself that you can and will finish strong.
Communication books explain that confidence is "knowing you have the ability to complete something successfully"—it's not even HAVING the ability to complete something successfully, but it's BELIEVING we can be successful. It's like those terrible singers who audition for American Idol—they're confident, not because they CAN sing well, but because they BELIEVE they can sing well.
Confidence for my run means knowing I can complete it successfully, and for that, I'm not nervous at all. That doesn't mean the elements won't intervene or my knees won't dislocate—heaven forbid I don't finish, but it could happen. Still, I'm confident because I know that I can now run my ½ marathon successfully. With my book, I've been lacking confidence. I could fail, no one could publish it, and even if someone does publish it, no one could read it. However, I'm realizing that those issues aren't causing my doubt. The issue is that I've apparently been in great need of a confidence boost to complete my book—to believe that I CAN finish this and finish it well—and running has helped show me that, though long-term goals aren't my forte, I can successfully tackle them.
So, wish me luck on Sunday as I run through Magic Kingdom and Epcot, and feel free to pray that the threat of rain goes away and that my knees are miraculously pain-free. And, whatever you're working on or dealing with, finish strong, friend.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
A Thrill of Hope in a Season of Humiliation
I realize it's been a ridiculous amount of time since I last posted. I could blame it on the fact that I'm in the process of writing a book while also working three part-time jobs, or I could just call it what it is: avoidance.
Confession over. Now onto bigger and better things.
I've been feeling lately like I've been in a season of humiliation. Before I go much further, let me clear up what "humiliation" means. The dictionary definition is: "the act of humbling someone, being reduced to lowliness or submission," and it adds that "humility can be self-sought, but humiliation involves something [or someone] else."
Okay, so what does that mean? Though we often use it to mean "embarrassment" or, in my shameful case "things that are comical for me to see and laugh at," the word humiliation is more about being reduced to lowliness or being humbled. And, it involves either some other force or person in the process.
How has my life been in a season of humiliation lately? It's hit me the most in my jobs lately. My retail job is a complete waste of my Wheaton College degree—monetarily and academically. Every time I work, I'm acutely aware of that fact as I repeatedly have to convince customers that we are sold out of certain items and I'm not just making crap up. I've been substitute teaching, and while it's been fun to get to know some students a little bit, most of the time teachers don't have me teach much; they leave work for the students to do on their own. In those times, I'm just the necessary breathing body that's over 18 and officially has to be in the room with the kids. The teaching skills I honed over the past two years—all the hours of prepping, grading, and classroom development—are pretty wasted in that avenue. I think the only skills I'm actually putting to use right now are my volleyball skills since I'm assisting a club team.
So, it's been a season of "being reduced to lowliness" and definitely of submission. I'm not completely embarrassed or anything—I've accepted what's happening, but it is a little bit of a bummer to feel like a lot of my skills and abilities are completely wasted right now. Though from time to time I doubt and question whether my decision to move home and write a book was really from the Lord or just a big mistake, most of the time when I remember my goals, I'm affirmed in my purpose here. My submitting to what I think is His plan has brought me to this place of "humiliation" where I look around and think I probably won't be putting anything I'm doing this year on a resume so as not to lessen its effectiveness (unless I get published, that is).
I was struck the other day with the thought that it's probably fitting that I feel like I'm in a season of humiliation since it was definitely a season of humiliation for Christ. He didn't arrive triumphantly or gloriously resplendent; He was born in a stable and placed in a feeding trough for animals. THE KING OF KINGS, btw. Not that He was embarrassed, but rather, it was a season of humiliation because He was physically "reduced to lowliness and submission" by His own willingness but also because of the sins of the world.
In light of that, my "season of humiliation" seems pretty miniscule, and it's made me more okay with that. In church, our pastor has been teaching us why there's no need to fear. We've been looking at Luke 2:8 and following, and Pete preached on the verses of the Christmas story that we've all heard time and again. In verse 10 the angels tell the terrified shepherds, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people," and in verse 10, they clarify what that good news is: CHRIST. "Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is Christ, the Lord" (v. 11).
What a simple answer to our fears and doubts: do NOT fear, do NOT worry, do NOT be dismayed: Christ is here!
As we sang "O Holy Night," I was struck by a line that I've sung probably thousands of times but never thought too deeply about:
"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices."
Singing that made my eyes water. In this season, I miss Hawaii and the life I built there. I miss my students and my work as a teacher. I miss feeling stable, a solid routine each day, and knowing that I'm doing something purposeful. It hasn't been the most victorious feeling season, but that line in the carol is perfect.
He is my thrill of hope amidst a dark world in which I feel pretty weary at times (I realize that sounds dramatic—my life isn't bad and I'm blessed...I know that...but still, I get discouraged fairly easily). I rejoice in this season because without His coming down and being born, I would be stuck in my hopelessness and weariness.
What a reason to celebrate! Sitting in my room looking out at dead trees, winter-gray skies, and what just looks cold, I miss the tropical breeze, soothing ocean waves, and sunshine of Hawaii. But, I think the deadness of everything in Dallas makes me more aware of how great and what a "thrill of hope" He is compared to my circumstances.
So, rejoice because He is a thrill of hope in our mundane lives and oft-changing circumstances. He suffered a season of humiliation to give us that hope, and that is a greater gift than any I will receive this Christmas or any other.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
(P.S. As for not feeling super victorious lately, I heard back from a publisher the other day who is interested to know more, so praise the Lord for that! He clearly knew that I needed some affirmation in what I've been doing. Thanks for your past and continued prayers for my book!)
Confession over. Now onto bigger and better things.
I've been feeling lately like I've been in a season of humiliation. Before I go much further, let me clear up what "humiliation" means. The dictionary definition is: "the act of humbling someone, being reduced to lowliness or submission," and it adds that "humility can be self-sought, but humiliation involves something [or someone] else."
Okay, so what does that mean? Though we often use it to mean "embarrassment" or, in my shameful case "things that are comical for me to see and laugh at," the word humiliation is more about being reduced to lowliness or being humbled. And, it involves either some other force or person in the process.
How has my life been in a season of humiliation lately? It's hit me the most in my jobs lately. My retail job is a complete waste of my Wheaton College degree—monetarily and academically. Every time I work, I'm acutely aware of that fact as I repeatedly have to convince customers that we are sold out of certain items and I'm not just making crap up. I've been substitute teaching, and while it's been fun to get to know some students a little bit, most of the time teachers don't have me teach much; they leave work for the students to do on their own. In those times, I'm just the necessary breathing body that's over 18 and officially has to be in the room with the kids. The teaching skills I honed over the past two years—all the hours of prepping, grading, and classroom development—are pretty wasted in that avenue. I think the only skills I'm actually putting to use right now are my volleyball skills since I'm assisting a club team.
So, it's been a season of "being reduced to lowliness" and definitely of submission. I'm not completely embarrassed or anything—I've accepted what's happening, but it is a little bit of a bummer to feel like a lot of my skills and abilities are completely wasted right now. Though from time to time I doubt and question whether my decision to move home and write a book was really from the Lord or just a big mistake, most of the time when I remember my goals, I'm affirmed in my purpose here. My submitting to what I think is His plan has brought me to this place of "humiliation" where I look around and think I probably won't be putting anything I'm doing this year on a resume so as not to lessen its effectiveness (unless I get published, that is).
I was struck the other day with the thought that it's probably fitting that I feel like I'm in a season of humiliation since it was definitely a season of humiliation for Christ. He didn't arrive triumphantly or gloriously resplendent; He was born in a stable and placed in a feeding trough for animals. THE KING OF KINGS, btw. Not that He was embarrassed, but rather, it was a season of humiliation because He was physically "reduced to lowliness and submission" by His own willingness but also because of the sins of the world.
In light of that, my "season of humiliation" seems pretty miniscule, and it's made me more okay with that. In church, our pastor has been teaching us why there's no need to fear. We've been looking at Luke 2:8 and following, and Pete preached on the verses of the Christmas story that we've all heard time and again. In verse 10 the angels tell the terrified shepherds, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people," and in verse 10, they clarify what that good news is: CHRIST. "Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is Christ, the Lord" (v. 11).
What a simple answer to our fears and doubts: do NOT fear, do NOT worry, do NOT be dismayed: Christ is here!
As we sang "O Holy Night," I was struck by a line that I've sung probably thousands of times but never thought too deeply about:
"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices."
Singing that made my eyes water. In this season, I miss Hawaii and the life I built there. I miss my students and my work as a teacher. I miss feeling stable, a solid routine each day, and knowing that I'm doing something purposeful. It hasn't been the most victorious feeling season, but that line in the carol is perfect.
He is my thrill of hope amidst a dark world in which I feel pretty weary at times (I realize that sounds dramatic—my life isn't bad and I'm blessed...I know that...but still, I get discouraged fairly easily). I rejoice in this season because without His coming down and being born, I would be stuck in my hopelessness and weariness.
What a reason to celebrate! Sitting in my room looking out at dead trees, winter-gray skies, and what just looks cold, I miss the tropical breeze, soothing ocean waves, and sunshine of Hawaii. But, I think the deadness of everything in Dallas makes me more aware of how great and what a "thrill of hope" He is compared to my circumstances.
So, rejoice because He is a thrill of hope in our mundane lives and oft-changing circumstances. He suffered a season of humiliation to give us that hope, and that is a greater gift than any I will receive this Christmas or any other.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
(P.S. As for not feeling super victorious lately, I heard back from a publisher the other day who is interested to know more, so praise the Lord for that! He clearly knew that I needed some affirmation in what I've been doing. Thanks for your past and continued prayers for my book!)
Friday, August 12, 2011
It's been a while...
(though that might have been obvious if you looked at the date of my last post)
Maybe you're wondering WHY it's been so long. I could give you a few reasons such as I've been teaching high school English, I've been living in Hawaii, the sun and sand bleached my brain, I've been working on some things, etc. All of those reasons are legitimate.
However, the real reason I've been radio-silent is that I haven't known where to go from my previous posts. At about the year-mark post-chemo, I felt like to continue blogging was a good idea, but since all of my previous posts had been about my lymphoma (I did, after all, start the blog for that purpose), when I was healthy and not a lot was new or out of the ordinary on the cancer-front, I simply didn't know what to write about.
To write about my everyday life seemed a little self-important and mundane (though it's been a great adventure for me), and to continue writing about my lymphoma when there wasn't much news about it seemed like I was either milking it or trying too hard to make it fit.
So, I simply stopped blogging. Though it seemed like at the time I was just postponing having to make a decision, ignoring it was clearly making a decision nonetheless. So, now it's August, it's been almost 15 months, and here I am.
There's so much I could write about--about two years' worth of adventures in Hawaii, my busy but wonderful summer, or my chaotic and somewhat depressing move back to my parents' house in Dallas. However, I'm going to keep this re-introduction to blogging short (for today, at least) and tell you that I'm working on writing a book.
That is why I left Hawaii, that is why I don't have a job, and that is why I'm in the mood to write. I've been writing every day for the past couple weeks, and when I arrived to Dallas on August 1st, I had a clear goal in mind: August 1 started "Writing Camp."
What, you may ask, is this potential book about? Well, if you had to guess, I think you'd get it. It's definitely not fiction. I always felt like a bit of a fraud trying to come up with something poetic, full of imagery, or creative and new in writing--as if I was trying to write well but knew there was nothing brilliant I could come up with.
No, it's not fiction. I'm writing about myself. In hopefully a more interesting way than that might sound. Really I'm writing about my experience going through cancer, and though I realize I'm no one famous and also that no two cancer experiences are the same, it's been on my heart for a while (like 2 years), and I figure it's time to buckle down, be obedient, and do it.
Thus, I'm writing. I'm at 40,000 words as of today. There's a great chance that absolutely nothing will come of this, and while that will definitely be disappointing, the only thing I feel passionate about right now is this book(other than returning to Hawaii to enjoy the calm of Lanikai and my ohana there). But that second passion of returning to Hawaii is probably helping fuel my writing--the sooner I finish, the sooner I send things out, the sooner I can figure out what--if anything--might come of this, and the sooner I can go back to Hawaii Nei. :)
If you'd like to inquire more about it, please do! I've got lots of free time when I'm not writing. :) If you'd like to pray for this endeavor, I'd love that, too. When I asked my teammate Brooke if she'd be okay with me using her name and some details about her, she replied, "Absolutely! I've never been in a book before!" to which I replied, "Well thanks...I've never written a book before!"
So, mahalo (thank you) for letting me start anew on this blog. To all who read the previous incarnation so faithfully, I have not forgotten you. In fact, I am probably writing about you. But, it's time for a new direction in this blog. Some things will be different than before (note the title: I still love Psalms, but I don't want to cheapen them by using verses just because I used to) and some things might still be the same (I do still stand on Christ daily as my solid Rock). A hui hou ('til we meet again)...Aloha!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Maybe you're wondering WHY it's been so long. I could give you a few reasons such as I've been teaching high school English, I've been living in Hawaii, the sun and sand bleached my brain, I've been working on some things, etc. All of those reasons are legitimate.
However, the real reason I've been radio-silent is that I haven't known where to go from my previous posts. At about the year-mark post-chemo, I felt like to continue blogging was a good idea, but since all of my previous posts had been about my lymphoma (I did, after all, start the blog for that purpose), when I was healthy and not a lot was new or out of the ordinary on the cancer-front, I simply didn't know what to write about.
To write about my everyday life seemed a little self-important and mundane (though it's been a great adventure for me), and to continue writing about my lymphoma when there wasn't much news about it seemed like I was either milking it or trying too hard to make it fit.
So, I simply stopped blogging. Though it seemed like at the time I was just postponing having to make a decision, ignoring it was clearly making a decision nonetheless. So, now it's August, it's been almost 15 months, and here I am.
There's so much I could write about--about two years' worth of adventures in Hawaii, my busy but wonderful summer, or my chaotic and somewhat depressing move back to my parents' house in Dallas. However, I'm going to keep this re-introduction to blogging short (for today, at least) and tell you that I'm working on writing a book.
That is why I left Hawaii, that is why I don't have a job, and that is why I'm in the mood to write. I've been writing every day for the past couple weeks, and when I arrived to Dallas on August 1st, I had a clear goal in mind: August 1 started "Writing Camp."
What, you may ask, is this potential book about? Well, if you had to guess, I think you'd get it. It's definitely not fiction. I always felt like a bit of a fraud trying to come up with something poetic, full of imagery, or creative and new in writing--as if I was trying to write well but knew there was nothing brilliant I could come up with.
No, it's not fiction. I'm writing about myself. In hopefully a more interesting way than that might sound. Really I'm writing about my experience going through cancer, and though I realize I'm no one famous and also that no two cancer experiences are the same, it's been on my heart for a while (like 2 years), and I figure it's time to buckle down, be obedient, and do it.
Thus, I'm writing. I'm at 40,000 words as of today. There's a great chance that absolutely nothing will come of this, and while that will definitely be disappointing, the only thing I feel passionate about right now is this book(other than returning to Hawaii to enjoy the calm of Lanikai and my ohana there). But that second passion of returning to Hawaii is probably helping fuel my writing--the sooner I finish, the sooner I send things out, the sooner I can figure out what--if anything--might come of this, and the sooner I can go back to Hawaii Nei. :)
If you'd like to inquire more about it, please do! I've got lots of free time when I'm not writing. :) If you'd like to pray for this endeavor, I'd love that, too. When I asked my teammate Brooke if she'd be okay with me using her name and some details about her, she replied, "Absolutely! I've never been in a book before!" to which I replied, "Well thanks...I've never written a book before!"
So, mahalo (thank you) for letting me start anew on this blog. To all who read the previous incarnation so faithfully, I have not forgotten you. In fact, I am probably writing about you. But, it's time for a new direction in this blog. Some things will be different than before (note the title: I still love Psalms, but I don't want to cheapen them by using verses just because I used to) and some things might still be the same (I do still stand on Christ daily as my solid Rock). A hui hou ('til we meet again)...Aloha!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Saturday, May 15, 2010
"Be exalted, O Lord, in Your strength; we will sing and praise Your might." ~Psalm 21:13
(Written on Friday, 5/14):
Today is a day of celebration. Why, you may ask? Well, today is exactly one year from my last chemo treatment!!! That, my friends, is definitely a cause for celebration.
I'm kinda liking that May 14th is one week from my birthday because I think I'm going to annually give myself a reason to celebrate one week early, which will, of course, carry out through the following week, so it'll be like one big week of celebration, basically. :) Anyway, as I think back to one year ago, I first cannot believe it's already been a year, and second think that at the same time, it feels like that was in another lifetime. Weird how that happens, isn't it??
I guess I really don't have that much to update other than the fact that today is such a day of praise, but I have been learning some things lately that I'd like to share.
First, in honor of today and looking back while moving forward, below are some psalms I've read recently that have reminded me of our God-given purpose after going through different things in life:
Psalm 7:17
"I will give thanks to the Lord because of His righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High."
Psalm 9:1-2
"I will praise You, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High."
Psalm 9:11, 13b-14
"Sing praises to the Lord, enthroned in Zion; proclaim among the nations what He has done....Have mercy and lift me up from the gates of death that I may declare Your praises in the gates of the Daughter of Zion and there rejoice in Your salvation."
Psalm 13:6
"I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me."
Psalm 16:8-10
"I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure because You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will You let Your Holy One see decay."
Psalm 18:2, 46-49
"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn [a] of my salvation, my stronghold....The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be God my Savior! He is the God who avenges me, who subdues nations under me, who saves me from my enemies. You exalted me above my foes; from violent men you rescued me. Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD; I will sing praises to your name."
Psalm 19:14
"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer."
There are so many more psalms and verses that talk about singing and giving praise to Him whom praise is due, but these are a start. I shared with my students in homeroom the other day that, though they've heard my story about lymphoma multiple times, I will continue to tell it and different aspects of it since I feel like that is my command now--tell of all the ways God has been faithful. I've mentioned before that I don't want to always bring conversation around to me and cancer, but at the same time, as I think about it and tell about it, it continues to amaze me that that HAPPENED and that God was and IS so good!!! So, I will continue to tell my story.
With that, I have a few more things to update, so secondly, I've been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan lately, and it's a book you should definitely read. He delivers the truth in a very real and honest way where you know exactly where you stand, but you don't feel like crawling into a hole and sulking, so it's just good. Anyway, there was a chapter talking about how we really can't KNOW all of God, and I started reflecting on that. If you asked me to describe God in one word, I would say "faithful." However, it's absolutely ridiculous for me to think that, just since I've seen Him work in my life and show His faithfulness in that, I now know all of Him. He is absolutely faithful. But, just because I've had those experiences where I've seen His faithfulness, that does not mean that is all of who He is. He is so much more than faithful--and though faithfulness is the most recent way I've seen His work in my life, I have to remember that I don't have Him "figured out" fully.
Additionally, the book talks about fearing God, and I'd like to share something that helped me out in a huge way. I'd always been told how to fear God, but really, it seems like something that's just confusing. However, what's helped understanding that is thinking about one of my biggest fears: lightning. Yep, not death or failure; lightning. Now, if your house had been struck multiple times by lightning, if you were tall and accustomed to lightning storms starting at Kanakuk while coaching middle school children in the middle of an open field, and if you had looked up all of the info about how lightning can strike, you would be terrified, too. Anyway, here's the thing with lightning: we know so much about it, right? It typically strikes the tallest thing around, we know how to avoid it and be safe, and we know about its properties. However, did you know that when there's a storm in the distance, you could still get struck by lightning from miles away? Did you know that, while it usually hits the tallest thing around, that's not always the case? Sometimes it hits the 2nd or 3rd tallest thing based on what those things are composed of. Yeah. Scary. So, while we can kinda understand it and stay safe around it, it's a little unpredictable, powerful, and thus, a little bit scary.
So now, follow with me on how that's helped me understand about fearing God (and granted, this may not make any sense to those of you who love lightning...): just as we can know so much about God, we can remember how He's done things in our life, and we can recount ways that He shows Himself as faithful again and again, we can't fully understand Him, we can't "tame" Him, and we can't box Him in thinking we know exactly where He's going to move and how He's going to work. He is incredibly powerful and decisive in His work, too. We can understand a lot about Him, but it's ridiculous for us to think that we could predict Him, know Him fully, or even try and box Him in. And yet, I think I do this so often. So, it's been a good reminder to think about the fact that God is a little like lightning and I should love Him, trust in Him, and run to Him, but I need to remember that I don't have Him figured all out, nor should I suppose that just because He's worked one way in my life before He will do that same thing each time He moves.
Anyway, how am I doing health-wise? Well, I'm doing great. :) I feel great, I'm still in the clear, and since it's been a year since my last chemo, my 1 year check-up scans are coming up in June. I'll be heading back to Chicago for those, so I'm looking forward to that. I love Hawaii--it's beautiful almost every day (minus rainy days or vog days--days when volcanic ash from the Big Island makes its way over here), it's warm, it doesn't make me want to cry in April because it never ever will snow in April, and it's made me more of an outdoor-loving person. However, I have a deep love for Chicago in my heart, and I would absolutely live there if it wasn't cold, so I'm looking forward to being back there in June.
Since my last post things have just been moving right along. We're down to two full weeks of school and then two exam days which means my first year of teaching has almost come to a close. CRAZY!!! I can't believe that! I was flying through Chicago last week on Sunday, and it was Wheaton's graduation day which was even crazier--to think that I've been out for a year is unreal. Time flies! Back to school: I'm trying to finish strong, and it's been a little more of a struggle working with unmotivated students who checked out many weeks ago, so I've been praying big time for patience and love.
I have traveled a little already this month, and this coming week I'll travel again, so it's made May fly by even faster. Last weekend I flew to Chattanooga, Tennessee by way of LAX then DFW, and actually on my 2 hour layover in Dallas, my dad got to come eat lunch with me at Chili's Too at DFW airport. :) That was awesome and I am SO thankful for parents who always sacrifice for me--time, money, emotional effort, etc. Anyway, I went to Chattanooga because my first Kanakuk K-West co-counselor, Melissa "Fain" Sparks (we went to NYC last year for spring break) got married to a guy named Cameron who we worked at kamp with as well, and I was a bridesmaid in their wedding. It was such an incredible time--it's been difficult to find really good deep friends here that I can also just have so much fun with, so it was great to be around such incredible people all weekend. I realized that I miss land a little bit--people ask me if I have "Island Fever" and I can answer that I only do when I leave the island and am reminded of what wide open spaces look like. Anyway, Melissa and Cam's wedding was awesome and was a great reminder of God's sovereign plans just in the way he brought them together and has blessed them. Additionally, Melissa's dad had been diagnosed with a really really rare disease back in March--literally 1 in a million--and so there was a question about whether he'd even be able to walk her down the aisle--much less dance with his daughter, but that, too, was so incredible to see God's healing power at work, and though it was a trial, Dr. Fain did get to slowly walk Melissa down the aisle. :) So, it was an encouraging weekend. Below are some pics:
Good times. This week I'm flying home because Madelyn GRADUATES from high school. WHAT?!?!? I know. I can't believe it. That'll be great family time, plus my friends from TCA are getting married, so it'll just be a weekend full of celebrations. :)
Ok, I've gotta run, but that's what's been going on lately. Oh--almost forgot. I'm up to 8500 words in writing my book of sorts...some of the people at the wedding encouraged me that I really should write, so that was awesome. We'll see what happens. :)
PTL for continued health and having been out of chemo for a year! As for prayer requests, Mrs. Graham found out they have 3 options for her breast cancer treatment, so if you'd pray for wisdom as they make decisions, patience as they wait, and peace in this time, I know they'd appreciate it. Yall are great. Thanks for continued encouragement and love. As I think back to last year, I am humbled and reminded again and again how I could not have made it through in the same way without your friendship, prayers, love, and incredible support. Wow. Thankyou thankyou thankyou always--I am truly forever grateful. God bless in all you do!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Today is a day of celebration. Why, you may ask? Well, today is exactly one year from my last chemo treatment!!! That, my friends, is definitely a cause for celebration.
I'm kinda liking that May 14th is one week from my birthday because I think I'm going to annually give myself a reason to celebrate one week early, which will, of course, carry out through the following week, so it'll be like one big week of celebration, basically. :) Anyway, as I think back to one year ago, I first cannot believe it's already been a year, and second think that at the same time, it feels like that was in another lifetime. Weird how that happens, isn't it??
I guess I really don't have that much to update other than the fact that today is such a day of praise, but I have been learning some things lately that I'd like to share.
First, in honor of today and looking back while moving forward, below are some psalms I've read recently that have reminded me of our God-given purpose after going through different things in life:
Psalm 7:17
"I will give thanks to the Lord because of His righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High."
Psalm 9:1-2
"I will praise You, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High."
Psalm 9:11, 13b-14
"Sing praises to the Lord, enthroned in Zion; proclaim among the nations what He has done....Have mercy and lift me up from the gates of death that I may declare Your praises in the gates of the Daughter of Zion and there rejoice in Your salvation."
Psalm 13:6
"I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me."
Psalm 16:8-10
"I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure because You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will You let Your Holy One see decay."
Psalm 18:2, 46-49
"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn [a] of my salvation, my stronghold....The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be God my Savior! He is the God who avenges me, who subdues nations under me, who saves me from my enemies. You exalted me above my foes; from violent men you rescued me. Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD; I will sing praises to your name."
Psalm 19:14
"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer."
There are so many more psalms and verses that talk about singing and giving praise to Him whom praise is due, but these are a start. I shared with my students in homeroom the other day that, though they've heard my story about lymphoma multiple times, I will continue to tell it and different aspects of it since I feel like that is my command now--tell of all the ways God has been faithful. I've mentioned before that I don't want to always bring conversation around to me and cancer, but at the same time, as I think about it and tell about it, it continues to amaze me that that HAPPENED and that God was and IS so good!!! So, I will continue to tell my story.
With that, I have a few more things to update, so secondly, I've been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan lately, and it's a book you should definitely read. He delivers the truth in a very real and honest way where you know exactly where you stand, but you don't feel like crawling into a hole and sulking, so it's just good. Anyway, there was a chapter talking about how we really can't KNOW all of God, and I started reflecting on that. If you asked me to describe God in one word, I would say "faithful." However, it's absolutely ridiculous for me to think that, just since I've seen Him work in my life and show His faithfulness in that, I now know all of Him. He is absolutely faithful. But, just because I've had those experiences where I've seen His faithfulness, that does not mean that is all of who He is. He is so much more than faithful--and though faithfulness is the most recent way I've seen His work in my life, I have to remember that I don't have Him "figured out" fully.
Additionally, the book talks about fearing God, and I'd like to share something that helped me out in a huge way. I'd always been told how to fear God, but really, it seems like something that's just confusing. However, what's helped understanding that is thinking about one of my biggest fears: lightning. Yep, not death or failure; lightning. Now, if your house had been struck multiple times by lightning, if you were tall and accustomed to lightning storms starting at Kanakuk while coaching middle school children in the middle of an open field, and if you had looked up all of the info about how lightning can strike, you would be terrified, too. Anyway, here's the thing with lightning: we know so much about it, right? It typically strikes the tallest thing around, we know how to avoid it and be safe, and we know about its properties. However, did you know that when there's a storm in the distance, you could still get struck by lightning from miles away? Did you know that, while it usually hits the tallest thing around, that's not always the case? Sometimes it hits the 2nd or 3rd tallest thing based on what those things are composed of. Yeah. Scary. So, while we can kinda understand it and stay safe around it, it's a little unpredictable, powerful, and thus, a little bit scary.
So now, follow with me on how that's helped me understand about fearing God (and granted, this may not make any sense to those of you who love lightning...): just as we can know so much about God, we can remember how He's done things in our life, and we can recount ways that He shows Himself as faithful again and again, we can't fully understand Him, we can't "tame" Him, and we can't box Him in thinking we know exactly where He's going to move and how He's going to work. He is incredibly powerful and decisive in His work, too. We can understand a lot about Him, but it's ridiculous for us to think that we could predict Him, know Him fully, or even try and box Him in. And yet, I think I do this so often. So, it's been a good reminder to think about the fact that God is a little like lightning and I should love Him, trust in Him, and run to Him, but I need to remember that I don't have Him figured all out, nor should I suppose that just because He's worked one way in my life before He will do that same thing each time He moves.
Anyway, how am I doing health-wise? Well, I'm doing great. :) I feel great, I'm still in the clear, and since it's been a year since my last chemo, my 1 year check-up scans are coming up in June. I'll be heading back to Chicago for those, so I'm looking forward to that. I love Hawaii--it's beautiful almost every day (minus rainy days or vog days--days when volcanic ash from the Big Island makes its way over here), it's warm, it doesn't make me want to cry in April because it never ever will snow in April, and it's made me more of an outdoor-loving person. However, I have a deep love for Chicago in my heart, and I would absolutely live there if it wasn't cold, so I'm looking forward to being back there in June.
Since my last post things have just been moving right along. We're down to two full weeks of school and then two exam days which means my first year of teaching has almost come to a close. CRAZY!!! I can't believe that! I was flying through Chicago last week on Sunday, and it was Wheaton's graduation day which was even crazier--to think that I've been out for a year is unreal. Time flies! Back to school: I'm trying to finish strong, and it's been a little more of a struggle working with unmotivated students who checked out many weeks ago, so I've been praying big time for patience and love.
I have traveled a little already this month, and this coming week I'll travel again, so it's made May fly by even faster. Last weekend I flew to Chattanooga, Tennessee by way of LAX then DFW, and actually on my 2 hour layover in Dallas, my dad got to come eat lunch with me at Chili's Too at DFW airport. :) That was awesome and I am SO thankful for parents who always sacrifice for me--time, money, emotional effort, etc. Anyway, I went to Chattanooga because my first Kanakuk K-West co-counselor, Melissa "Fain" Sparks (we went to NYC last year for spring break) got married to a guy named Cameron who we worked at kamp with as well, and I was a bridesmaid in their wedding. It was such an incredible time--it's been difficult to find really good deep friends here that I can also just have so much fun with, so it was great to be around such incredible people all weekend. I realized that I miss land a little bit--people ask me if I have "Island Fever" and I can answer that I only do when I leave the island and am reminded of what wide open spaces look like. Anyway, Melissa and Cam's wedding was awesome and was a great reminder of God's sovereign plans just in the way he brought them together and has blessed them. Additionally, Melissa's dad had been diagnosed with a really really rare disease back in March--literally 1 in a million--and so there was a question about whether he'd even be able to walk her down the aisle--much less dance with his daughter, but that, too, was so incredible to see God's healing power at work, and though it was a trial, Dr. Fain did get to slowly walk Melissa down the aisle. :) So, it was an encouraging weekend. Below are some pics:
Good times. This week I'm flying home because Madelyn GRADUATES from high school. WHAT?!?!? I know. I can't believe it. That'll be great family time, plus my friends from TCA are getting married, so it'll just be a weekend full of celebrations. :)
Ok, I've gotta run, but that's what's been going on lately. Oh--almost forgot. I'm up to 8500 words in writing my book of sorts...some of the people at the wedding encouraged me that I really should write, so that was awesome. We'll see what happens. :)
PTL for continued health and having been out of chemo for a year! As for prayer requests, Mrs. Graham found out they have 3 options for her breast cancer treatment, so if you'd pray for wisdom as they make decisions, patience as they wait, and peace in this time, I know they'd appreciate it. Yall are great. Thanks for continued encouragement and love. As I think back to last year, I am humbled and reminded again and again how I could not have made it through in the same way without your friendship, prayers, love, and incredible support. Wow. Thankyou thankyou thankyou always--I am truly forever grateful. God bless in all you do!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Sunday, April 11, 2010
"I will praise You, O Lord, with all my heart, I will tell of all Your wonders." ~Psalm 9:1
Happy April!!! I can't believe we are already 1/3 through April of 2010—that's SO crazy!
Whew! The month of March has come and gone, and I feel like it FLEW by! Here’s what happened and why it moved so quickly: My mom and sister came the first week of March. We had such a blast. We survived The Tsunami (which never really hit...so it essentially killed our sunny Saturday but made for a great story as we evacuated up to a lookout high above Honolulu...and I have a t-shirt that says "I survived the tsunami"...AWESOME). Also, we found the Pirates of the Caribbean ship, The Black Pearl, which is here on Oahu for refurbishing as they turn it into new ship for the 4th movie which is filming on Oahu and Kauai this summer. Long story short, we met the guy in charge of the project--who happened to build the Black Pearl in the first place--and after some shameless begging, he gave Madelyn and I each pieces of the Black Pearl. I got this heavy metal welding something, and Madelyn got a 2 foot long plank from the side of the ship. Below is a picture of my mom, Madelyn, and I on our Pirates adventure.
They left on Saturday at 8pm and my friend Caroline came in at 8:45pm that same night. When I took her to the airport the next Friday, I parked my car and also boarded a plane—not to Dallas but to Maui to see the Armstrongs who were finishing up Wheaton’s spring break there. I hung out there for the night and the next morning, and then I left with them, but we parted ways in the terminal as I headed back to Honolulu and they to Wheaton. Two days later, HBA had its Junior/Senior Banquet (aka Prom), and since I’m a junior advisor and the juniors plan it for the seniors, I was a little frantic (we’re trying to teach them to take initiative…they’re slowly learning…). Prom went well, the next day our grades were due for the 3rd quarter, and after that, I got to breathe again! :) I spent the rest of that week on Oahu, attempting to tackle a to-do list of like 50 items, exploring the island that I live on, and enjoying just being here and not having anything to do! I’d spent my Fall and Christmas breaks back home or in Chicago/NYC, so this was my first break to just chill here for a bit. A highlight from that week hanging out here is that I bought my very own surfboard! I'm no pro, don't worry, but I like surfing, and though I want to go more often, I was always put off by the $40 to rent a board for an hour, so I decided if I just BUY one, I'll actually use it! Below is a partial picture of my surfboard.
We had two weeks of spring break, so the 2nd week, I flew to Kauai with a couple of girls that I teach with. That was a great blend of adventure and pure relaxation in the sun by the beach and/or pool! The last couple days in Kauai, my teammate Kaitlyn and her family were at our same hotel (what are the chances?!?), so it was wonderful seeing them—but more on that later.
As you have just read, March flew by from one thing to the next. We've been back to school for two weeks, and we have 7 more to go! Wow—my first year of teaching is going by SO quickly. I don’t know if that’s good or bad because, while it’s nice to almost have that “scary first year” under my belt, it’s quite appalling that I’ve been out of college for a year almost. Growing up is overrated, and I miss being irresponsible and free. :)
Health-wise, I am doing great! Other than a dumb bout with laryngitis at the end of February—as I learned one summer at Kanakuk, it’s pretty impossible to teach a class when you have no voice with which to teach, so that was lame, but I felt mostly okay—I say my health is great! Many people have been asking about my hair, and, once again, it’s growing on me. I’m liking the length it is now much more than in January, and though it seems eternally SLOW when I see it every day, looking back at pictures from even a month ago, I can definitely see the difference. Maybe that’s a good lesson to learn: appreciating even small changes and blessings…life lessons. :)
Beyond that, I have a few updates as to how I'm doing and then a prayer request.
Update 1: First, I think I've expressed in previous posts how the processing after-chemo has been more challenging than any processing DURING chemo, and I think that's because during it, my mindset was just to push on through and beat it. This time—almost a YEAR...WOW—after chemo has been more conducive to processing since I haven't had to worry too much about just pushing through for survival. :) Actually, the day after my last post I think I had a helpful breakthrough. Basically, it's been hard after cancer to figure out where I am in my walk with the Lord because each "trial" has seemed so insignificant in comparison to last year that I've felt at times like I'm just chilling—not necessarily far from the Lord, but not feeling like I've been growing too much. I think after struggling physically and emotionally to go through each day of last year, it's been so different when I feel great and yet things are somewhat mundane. As I read that statement, don't get me wrong: I am THRILLED and SO thankful to be healed and not have to worry each day about so many things that came with cancer, but it's just been a weird transition back to routine everyday life.
Anyway, I think one of my bigger struggles this year has been not necessarily feeling like I'm being used or am growing too much, and it's hard for me—and probably for a lot of us as believers—to just sit still and rest in Him rather than tackling trials and struggles. I have known for a while that it can be so much harder to trust in Him and see Him when things are routine and ordinary, so maybe that's been it lately. So, the day after my last post, I was going through my study in Psalms and was on Psalm 33. My commentary is a book by Warren W. Wiersbe, and in explaining how God is a shield, he writes, "God protects us, not to pamper us, but to prepare us to go back into the battle. He is a 'refuge and strength' who hides us long enough to help us."
This quote has been so helpful to me in remembering that God has ordained EVERY season in our lives—the hard ones, the easy ones, the bewildering ones, and every other season in-between. It helped to read this and be encouraged that this time of calm AFTER the metaphorical storm (of Hodgkin's) is full of purpose, and it's okay for me to just REST. Maybe this time has been a time of rest and protection, not for God to pamper me and make me feel good about myself, but to let me grieve, process, heal, and overall prepare to go back into the battle. So, I've had to realize that it's ok to rest and take time to heal. If we didn't what use would we be going back into the battle half broken from the previous struggles we've been through? All of that is to say that 1) every season in life is ordained for a purpose—even the quiet ones that we don't think about 2) it's okay—in fact, GOOD—to take time to heal and process so that we will be better prepared to go back into battle. God is using us in those times.
Update 2: As for processing, as you know if you're reading this right now, writing was—and still IS—very therapeutic for me in this whole journey. That said, I've started to write out more of my thoughts in book form...that's the end goal. Whether it ever gets published or not, we'll see, but I have a long time until then. My grandma (Mema!) has always encouraged me that my blogs were super helpful and that she thought I was supposed to write a book. I took that as a sweet comment by someone who has to love me and say nice things to me, but I've been thinking more about that, and it's really become a passion of mine in a way. I know one of my spiritual gifts is encouragement, and another one sometimes comes out to be shepherding. On top of that, apparently I'm "good at writing," although my grades sure as heck never showed that. (Maybe that's because I was an English major, so my writing didn't always shine in comparison with the brilliant minds of other English majors at Wheaton...and, let's be honest: I always could have put more time and revision into my papers.) Finally, I have learned in the past year that I really get excited when talking about cancer—not necessarily mine, but just in general since it's something we always hear about, and yet it still seems so forbidden and ominous. So, combine my passion for encouraging, shepherding, a more-than-marginal and at least competent writing skill, and my desire to share about cancer, and I think a book seems like a really good way to encourage and shepherd through writing about cancer. We'll see. It's something I'm praying about, but in the meantime, I've been writing down my thoughts, I have a general outline, and I have a title inspired by my dad from one night early on in my diagnosis. I'll let you know what comes of it! Thus far, I have 4,771 words...and a LONG way to go. :)
Update 3: I have a prayer request for anyone who is still reading. Small sidenote: I was discussing this topic with the person my prayer request concerns, and I still feel a little narcissistic—or to use her word, presumptuous—in writing here since I am feeling so well and I know that people have WAY more important things to do than check up on me, but I figure that as long as people are asking for updates and saying that they're checking here for updates, I'll keep writing on here, hopefully not adding to the noise of internet writing. ANYWAY, my prayer request is this: the woman who shaved my head last January is my teammate Kaitlyn Graham's mom, Robin. She helped organize that whole night (which was SUCH a blessing to me!), let us come over to her house, played encouraging music, prayed with all of us, and actually helped me shed that nasty thinned hair which I hadn't washed in a week. (gross). Beyond that, she and her family prayed faithfully for me, she brought me Jamba Juice and flowers, came to my graduation brunch, and has just been so loving and a huge blessing to me along with the rest of her family (and of course KG!). Last month, she went in for a mammogram, and they found that she has breast cancer. :(
The Grahams were the ones that overlapped for a couple days at our same hotel in Kauai on my spring break, so it was an incredible blessing to see them and spend some time together and share cancer stories, fears, and other feelings. After we had dinner the night before I had to leave, I was really hit hard by the whole situation—and I know firsthand that people get cancer everyday—but it was so hard to see Robin and her whole family having to walk through something like this. They are so precious, and they were especially important in my own journey, so to have to walk through this themselves is awful. I went down to the beach that night and was just so burdened—I cried (rare!) and was just crying out that I didn't understand. It was actually a really great experience being out under the moon and stars by the ocean and having that freedom to just look up and wonder what God's plan is and why I don't understand it. Somehow, after my cries of frustration that I didn't understand, I had an epiphany where it was just so clear that I was RIGHT. I DON'T understand. Bottom line. I simply can't understand what God is doing there—or even what He was doing with my lymphoma—but instead of that being such a frustrating cry, it became one of peace as I accepted the fact that I do not understand. It reminded me of Job when he comes to the realization that he was NOT there at the start of creation, he does not order the world, and he doesn't have all things under his sovereign plan, but God does! I think that night was crucial to my understanding of God as I made peace with the fact that I simply do not understand, and I can say that without being so frustrated or angry, but I can instead rest in the fact that the God who DOES understand is sovereign and good.
So, as much as this breaks my heart to see the Grahams walking into this new journey, I can say that I KNOW it is harder for them. They would LOVE your prayers for healing, wisdom, and that peace that truly does pass all understanding. I've been able to talk to Robin a good amount, and they have found doctors and now are waiting on a lumpectomy to stage her cancer. Prayers for miraculous healing, that it would be Stage 1, and that the lumpectomy would get ALL of the cancer so that there's no radiation would be huge. Having seen how incredible everyone's prayers were for me, I have no shame asking for more prayer—in fact, I now know how important it is to lift up burdens and the burdens of others. So, prayers for Robin, my teammate Kaitlyn, and the rest of her family as they start to walk this road would be so appreciated. They are a such a godly and sweet family. Below is a picture with me, Robin, and Kaitlyn in Kauai.
So, that's most of what I've got for now. To close, I'd like to draw attention to the verse that opened this post, and particularly the second half: "I will tell of all your wonders." My Bible commentary explains that "wonders" means "God's saving acts, sometimes involving miracles...but aways involving the manifestation of God's sovereign lordship over events." I think that's a huge part of what I'm supposed to do with my Hodgkin's--to tell of ALL the ways God incredibly showed His faithfulness, sovereignty, and immense blessings through healing, provision in treatment, prayers, and incredible people surrounding me. Beyond just Hodgkin's, though, I was reading through that last week and was so infused with the purpose of that verse--that we are to tell of all the ways God has shown His "sovereign lordship over events" in our lives. I love the way that is clarified, and it has reminded me of my purpose in life and helped shed light on what to do with cancer.
I pray that y'all are SO blessed and are reminded of all the "wonders" God has done in your life. Thankyou thankyou thankyou for all continued prayers, support, friendship, love, and prayers for the Grahams! God is good.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Whew! The month of March has come and gone, and I feel like it FLEW by! Here’s what happened and why it moved so quickly: My mom and sister came the first week of March. We had such a blast. We survived The Tsunami (which never really hit...so it essentially killed our sunny Saturday but made for a great story as we evacuated up to a lookout high above Honolulu...and I have a t-shirt that says "I survived the tsunami"...AWESOME). Also, we found the Pirates of the Caribbean ship, The Black Pearl, which is here on Oahu for refurbishing as they turn it into new ship for the 4th movie which is filming on Oahu and Kauai this summer. Long story short, we met the guy in charge of the project--who happened to build the Black Pearl in the first place--and after some shameless begging, he gave Madelyn and I each pieces of the Black Pearl. I got this heavy metal welding something, and Madelyn got a 2 foot long plank from the side of the ship. Below is a picture of my mom, Madelyn, and I on our Pirates adventure.
They left on Saturday at 8pm and my friend Caroline came in at 8:45pm that same night. When I took her to the airport the next Friday, I parked my car and also boarded a plane—not to Dallas but to Maui to see the Armstrongs who were finishing up Wheaton’s spring break there. I hung out there for the night and the next morning, and then I left with them, but we parted ways in the terminal as I headed back to Honolulu and they to Wheaton. Two days later, HBA had its Junior/Senior Banquet (aka Prom), and since I’m a junior advisor and the juniors plan it for the seniors, I was a little frantic (we’re trying to teach them to take initiative…they’re slowly learning…). Prom went well, the next day our grades were due for the 3rd quarter, and after that, I got to breathe again! :) I spent the rest of that week on Oahu, attempting to tackle a to-do list of like 50 items, exploring the island that I live on, and enjoying just being here and not having anything to do! I’d spent my Fall and Christmas breaks back home or in Chicago/NYC, so this was my first break to just chill here for a bit. A highlight from that week hanging out here is that I bought my very own surfboard! I'm no pro, don't worry, but I like surfing, and though I want to go more often, I was always put off by the $40 to rent a board for an hour, so I decided if I just BUY one, I'll actually use it! Below is a partial picture of my surfboard.
We had two weeks of spring break, so the 2nd week, I flew to Kauai with a couple of girls that I teach with. That was a great blend of adventure and pure relaxation in the sun by the beach and/or pool! The last couple days in Kauai, my teammate Kaitlyn and her family were at our same hotel (what are the chances?!?), so it was wonderful seeing them—but more on that later.
As you have just read, March flew by from one thing to the next. We've been back to school for two weeks, and we have 7 more to go! Wow—my first year of teaching is going by SO quickly. I don’t know if that’s good or bad because, while it’s nice to almost have that “scary first year” under my belt, it’s quite appalling that I’ve been out of college for a year almost. Growing up is overrated, and I miss being irresponsible and free. :)
Health-wise, I am doing great! Other than a dumb bout with laryngitis at the end of February—as I learned one summer at Kanakuk, it’s pretty impossible to teach a class when you have no voice with which to teach, so that was lame, but I felt mostly okay—I say my health is great! Many people have been asking about my hair, and, once again, it’s growing on me. I’m liking the length it is now much more than in January, and though it seems eternally SLOW when I see it every day, looking back at pictures from even a month ago, I can definitely see the difference. Maybe that’s a good lesson to learn: appreciating even small changes and blessings…life lessons. :)
Beyond that, I have a few updates as to how I'm doing and then a prayer request.
Update 1: First, I think I've expressed in previous posts how the processing after-chemo has been more challenging than any processing DURING chemo, and I think that's because during it, my mindset was just to push on through and beat it. This time—almost a YEAR...WOW—after chemo has been more conducive to processing since I haven't had to worry too much about just pushing through for survival. :) Actually, the day after my last post I think I had a helpful breakthrough. Basically, it's been hard after cancer to figure out where I am in my walk with the Lord because each "trial" has seemed so insignificant in comparison to last year that I've felt at times like I'm just chilling—not necessarily far from the Lord, but not feeling like I've been growing too much. I think after struggling physically and emotionally to go through each day of last year, it's been so different when I feel great and yet things are somewhat mundane. As I read that statement, don't get me wrong: I am THRILLED and SO thankful to be healed and not have to worry each day about so many things that came with cancer, but it's just been a weird transition back to routine everyday life.
Anyway, I think one of my bigger struggles this year has been not necessarily feeling like I'm being used or am growing too much, and it's hard for me—and probably for a lot of us as believers—to just sit still and rest in Him rather than tackling trials and struggles. I have known for a while that it can be so much harder to trust in Him and see Him when things are routine and ordinary, so maybe that's been it lately. So, the day after my last post, I was going through my study in Psalms and was on Psalm 33. My commentary is a book by Warren W. Wiersbe, and in explaining how God is a shield, he writes, "God protects us, not to pamper us, but to prepare us to go back into the battle. He is a 'refuge and strength' who hides us long enough to help us."
This quote has been so helpful to me in remembering that God has ordained EVERY season in our lives—the hard ones, the easy ones, the bewildering ones, and every other season in-between. It helped to read this and be encouraged that this time of calm AFTER the metaphorical storm (of Hodgkin's) is full of purpose, and it's okay for me to just REST. Maybe this time has been a time of rest and protection, not for God to pamper me and make me feel good about myself, but to let me grieve, process, heal, and overall prepare to go back into the battle. So, I've had to realize that it's ok to rest and take time to heal. If we didn't what use would we be going back into the battle half broken from the previous struggles we've been through? All of that is to say that 1) every season in life is ordained for a purpose—even the quiet ones that we don't think about 2) it's okay—in fact, GOOD—to take time to heal and process so that we will be better prepared to go back into battle. God is using us in those times.
Update 2: As for processing, as you know if you're reading this right now, writing was—and still IS—very therapeutic for me in this whole journey. That said, I've started to write out more of my thoughts in book form...that's the end goal. Whether it ever gets published or not, we'll see, but I have a long time until then. My grandma (Mema!) has always encouraged me that my blogs were super helpful and that she thought I was supposed to write a book. I took that as a sweet comment by someone who has to love me and say nice things to me, but I've been thinking more about that, and it's really become a passion of mine in a way. I know one of my spiritual gifts is encouragement, and another one sometimes comes out to be shepherding. On top of that, apparently I'm "good at writing," although my grades sure as heck never showed that. (Maybe that's because I was an English major, so my writing didn't always shine in comparison with the brilliant minds of other English majors at Wheaton...and, let's be honest: I always could have put more time and revision into my papers.) Finally, I have learned in the past year that I really get excited when talking about cancer—not necessarily mine, but just in general since it's something we always hear about, and yet it still seems so forbidden and ominous. So, combine my passion for encouraging, shepherding, a more-than-marginal and at least competent writing skill, and my desire to share about cancer, and I think a book seems like a really good way to encourage and shepherd through writing about cancer. We'll see. It's something I'm praying about, but in the meantime, I've been writing down my thoughts, I have a general outline, and I have a title inspired by my dad from one night early on in my diagnosis. I'll let you know what comes of it! Thus far, I have 4,771 words...and a LONG way to go. :)
Update 3: I have a prayer request for anyone who is still reading. Small sidenote: I was discussing this topic with the person my prayer request concerns, and I still feel a little narcissistic—or to use her word, presumptuous—in writing here since I am feeling so well and I know that people have WAY more important things to do than check up on me, but I figure that as long as people are asking for updates and saying that they're checking here for updates, I'll keep writing on here, hopefully not adding to the noise of internet writing. ANYWAY, my prayer request is this: the woman who shaved my head last January is my teammate Kaitlyn Graham's mom, Robin. She helped organize that whole night (which was SUCH a blessing to me!), let us come over to her house, played encouraging music, prayed with all of us, and actually helped me shed that nasty thinned hair which I hadn't washed in a week. (gross). Beyond that, she and her family prayed faithfully for me, she brought me Jamba Juice and flowers, came to my graduation brunch, and has just been so loving and a huge blessing to me along with the rest of her family (and of course KG!). Last month, she went in for a mammogram, and they found that she has breast cancer. :(
The Grahams were the ones that overlapped for a couple days at our same hotel in Kauai on my spring break, so it was an incredible blessing to see them and spend some time together and share cancer stories, fears, and other feelings. After we had dinner the night before I had to leave, I was really hit hard by the whole situation—and I know firsthand that people get cancer everyday—but it was so hard to see Robin and her whole family having to walk through something like this. They are so precious, and they were especially important in my own journey, so to have to walk through this themselves is awful. I went down to the beach that night and was just so burdened—I cried (rare!) and was just crying out that I didn't understand. It was actually a really great experience being out under the moon and stars by the ocean and having that freedom to just look up and wonder what God's plan is and why I don't understand it. Somehow, after my cries of frustration that I didn't understand, I had an epiphany where it was just so clear that I was RIGHT. I DON'T understand. Bottom line. I simply can't understand what God is doing there—or even what He was doing with my lymphoma—but instead of that being such a frustrating cry, it became one of peace as I accepted the fact that I do not understand. It reminded me of Job when he comes to the realization that he was NOT there at the start of creation, he does not order the world, and he doesn't have all things under his sovereign plan, but God does! I think that night was crucial to my understanding of God as I made peace with the fact that I simply do not understand, and I can say that without being so frustrated or angry, but I can instead rest in the fact that the God who DOES understand is sovereign and good.
So, as much as this breaks my heart to see the Grahams walking into this new journey, I can say that I KNOW it is harder for them. They would LOVE your prayers for healing, wisdom, and that peace that truly does pass all understanding. I've been able to talk to Robin a good amount, and they have found doctors and now are waiting on a lumpectomy to stage her cancer. Prayers for miraculous healing, that it would be Stage 1, and that the lumpectomy would get ALL of the cancer so that there's no radiation would be huge. Having seen how incredible everyone's prayers were for me, I have no shame asking for more prayer—in fact, I now know how important it is to lift up burdens and the burdens of others. So, prayers for Robin, my teammate Kaitlyn, and the rest of her family as they start to walk this road would be so appreciated. They are a such a godly and sweet family. Below is a picture with me, Robin, and Kaitlyn in Kauai.
So, that's most of what I've got for now. To close, I'd like to draw attention to the verse that opened this post, and particularly the second half: "I will tell of all your wonders." My Bible commentary explains that "wonders" means "God's saving acts, sometimes involving miracles...but aways involving the manifestation of God's sovereign lordship over events." I think that's a huge part of what I'm supposed to do with my Hodgkin's--to tell of ALL the ways God incredibly showed His faithfulness, sovereignty, and immense blessings through healing, provision in treatment, prayers, and incredible people surrounding me. Beyond just Hodgkin's, though, I was reading through that last week and was so infused with the purpose of that verse--that we are to tell of all the ways God has shown His "sovereign lordship over events" in our lives. I love the way that is clarified, and it has reminded me of my purpose in life and helped shed light on what to do with cancer.
I pray that y'all are SO blessed and are reminded of all the "wonders" God has done in your life. Thankyou thankyou thankyou for all continued prayers, support, friendship, love, and prayers for the Grahams! God is good.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Thursday, February 4, 2010
"Oh Lord my God, I called to You for help and you healed me." ~Psalm 30:2.
Today is another landmark day or anniversary. It has officially been a year. "Since what?" you might ask. Since I got the WONDERFUL call from my Nurse Practitioner that I was in REMISSION. PTL! How time flies! I can't believe I've been in remission for a year! 2009 has come and gone. I can't believe it's coming upon a year anniversary of having graduated...time is just moving right along, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. As Ferris said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around once in a while, you might miss it." Profound words from a slightly less profound source.
I realize that it's been a while. Jumping back into things in January is always crazy, as you surely understand. I've been thinking of blogging for a while, but I hope I'm not so narcissistic that I think I should post because everyone is waiting on that. While I find that blogging has been incredibly therapeutic for processing, for some reason it seems hard to justify blogging when I don't have a ton of Hodgkin's related info to convey since I don't want to be self-important and think my voice needs to be another one to add into the mix of this day and age where everyone can be a "writer" by their own standards. But, that's another topic...one that I get hung-up on as a former English major and current English teacher.
All of that is to say, if you HAVE been checking for updates, I am so sorry. I do think it's fitting on this 1-year celebration of CONTINUED remission (yes, I had scans over break of which I will get to in a minute) to update on my health and to maybe explain how Christmas break went since some of you either saw pictures or read in our Christmas card that we had a pretty exciting break. :)
So, Christmas break. On Wednesday, December 23rd, my mom and I went to Baylor Plano to have my 6 month CT scan. It was a slowwww process of waiting, but once they called me back, the scan itself only took 5-10 minutes. We waited for 3-4 hours. Good times. ANYWAY, the Dallas guys read them and said they were still clear, so that is a huge praise! As I've mentioned, Hodgkin's is really curable, but if it's going to come back, it's usually within the first year or two, so this is the time to watch for it. Dr. Gordon in Chicago still has to read them additionally, but it sounds like they're good!
After that less fun day, we had a great Christmas! This was the last one for my parents to have any kids still living at home, so it'll be interesting next year as Madelyn comes back from Charleston, I'm back from Honolulu, and Katie's back from Colorado Springs--all to celebrate Christmas. I'm predicting it will be LOUD since someone will have all kinds of new adventures to share about...and she tends to be loud anyway. :)
On Wednesday, December 30, we flew to New York City to celebrate New Year's Eve. Being in Times Square and watching the Ball drop was something I'd always wanted to do, and it was SO COOL! I would recommend everyone doing it at least once. Some people had told me that it's the "best thing you never do again," and I might agree with that, but if the weather conditions were perfect, I'd probably do it again. It was fun. I don't know if you realize (I didn't), but there are over 1 million people there, so the crowds you see in Times Square itself on tv are not even close to the majority of people, thus lots of people are lined up many blocks away where they essentially watch the action on a tv screen set up outside. Hearing this from my best friend Sarah, we decided that if we were going to spend the money, take the time, and freeze, we were going to do this RIGHT, which meant we were gonna be IN the heart of Times Square.
And we were (check out our vantage point). We got to the epicenter of Times Square at 12pm on December 31, and we were standing there for over 12 hours (it takes a while to celebrate and leave). Despite waiting for eternity and the sleet/snow/rain mixture that started coming down on us by about 9pm, it was INCREDIBLE! We made some friends actually as soon as we got there--an engaged couple named Brett and Chi, and they ended up staying with us and joining our family the whole time! We had so much fun "holding the lines" to our space and giving evil eyes to those that tried to infringe on it (which happened about every minute), we played Mad Gab, we listened to music on a portable speaker, and eventually, when the entertainers started coming out, we watched/listened to them. This second picture is of the family with our family "mascot" (?) Cheese...you had to be there...or have seen Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends...
Here are some more pictures:
The first is of the official countdown. Here it's down to 12 seconds (BEST NUMBER EVER):
The second picture is of the stroke of midnight!!
The final picture is of all the confetti--apparently they drop more than 2 tons of it...and yet, not ONE SINGLE PIECE fell on us.
It was AWESOME. I'm SO glad we did that! And, on top of all of that, we got to see 3 Broadway shows, which I am in love with since I think the coolest job ever would be to sing on Broadway. :) My mom, Madelyn, and I flew back late Saturday, January 2nd, and then I flew back to Honolulu the next day at about noon, so it was a bit of a whirlwind, but it was absolutely worth it, and I had a great time with my family.
Back in Hawaii, things are going well--again, it's weird that there are no seasons, so it really doesn't feel like February, and more than that, it feels like it's the same day, every day, but I think I'm adjusting. Plus, I definitely DON'T miss those days in the teens or even below 0 that my Wheaton friends have been reminding me about lately. I've been busy with school, Homecoming (it's in January here because they have it for basketball), and then Junior Camp which is like a retreat with the whole junior class. That was great, and though the junior class has apparently been known previously to not have a lot of drive or unity, it was really cool to see them bond and come together for Homecoming week and the competitions that went on last week with that.
Also, I got to share some things I'd been learning in the form of "myths" we sometimes have about God, so that was good--probably for me as I continue to process, especially. I basically shared about my myth that sometimes I think God is "out to get me"--and not directly, but subconsciously that shows up. For instance, the first few months I was here, I remember just thinking that it was almost too good to be true--that I'd gotten something I actually PLANNED on, which is usually NOT the case--and I almost had this feeling that I was just waiting for something bad to happen, which is TERRIBLE of me! So, I got to share how I realized that that kind of thinking is definitely a myth--sometimes God does have to teach us hard lessons, and to be honest, usually we don't get what we want. BUT, it's not like God is sitting up in Heaven all nonchalant thinking, "yeah, just you wait Hannah. This won't last. Don't get too happy." And yet, when I feel like I'm waiting for something bad to come along and mess it up, that shows that I DO sometimes forget that God has the BEST for me, that He is GOOD, and that He is on my side. I think I've shared all of that before, but I figured that if I'm going to tell you that I shared at Junior Camp, I should probably tell you what I shared about.
Aside from that lesson, people have been asking me, "Where are you in your relationship with the Lord?" lately, and it's been hard to answer. It's not that I think I'm in a dry spell because I think I'm growing, but then again, I don't know that I've been growing incredibly. I don't think I'm in an apathetic spot or anything, but the reason it's hard to answer is because I don't KNOW! That sounds like a cop-out, but really, I feel like I'm not SURE where I'm at. I'm not talking about what I believe--I know that--but as for how I'm growing in my walk with the Lord, I think I am, but I just can't pinpoint it. If that's not the vaguest thing or the most confusing, then please let me know where I'm at. :) You can see my struggle with answering that question. So, in the meantime, I'm trying to grow and pursue the Lord, and I realize that, most of the time, we don't know what we are learning DURING the lessons anyway. I was reading to my homeroom from The Red Sea Rules the other day, and I love one of the phrases Morgan uses. He says, "The Christian life is less of an unveiling than an unfolding," and I agree. I don't think the metaphorical curtain ever just drops and TA-DA! we know. On the contrary: life is more of an unfolding step by step as God shows us one day at a time how to follow and what that actually looks like.
While I'm at it, I should share another quote that has a great contrast of what the Christian life ISN'T with what it IS: "God's people don't live on explanations; they live on promises, and those promises are as unchanging as the character of God" (Warren W. Wiersbe). That comes from a commentary on Psalms that I've been working through, and I feel like that is great advice to remember, and it's been helpful as I think through last year. Yeah, we don't always get explanations. BUT, we do receive hundreds of promises, and the God who promises us all of those good things is FAITHFUL. I like that quote a whole lot, basically.
On a few last notes, in case you are wondering about lingering side-effects, my toe nails have almost grown out all the way to where they are almost all connected to skin again. :) Also, I am wearing my hair short. I came back from Christmas and decided that, even if I absolutely HATE this short hair, at least, by the end of this, if people ask me how I liked short hair, I can answer fairly. However, if I wore a wig until it was shoulder-length at least and people asked me that question, I might never know if I hated it or loved it. And, on the hope that this lymphoma will not come back nor will I contract another kind of cancer in the future, I decided that, if I do HATE it, I never have to wear it short again. My current thoughts are: 1. it's growing on me. haha...pun intended. :) 2. it's cute. not pretty, but it works and it's different, and again, I never have to wear it short again if I don't want to. 3. I am SO jealous of girls who can throw their hair into ponytails. People tell me that I'm "lucky" because it must be so easy to style, but that is not true. It's not easy if you don't know HOW to style it, and I can't just throw my hair into a ponytail that I try to make look decently nice for work. No, I have to wash it and attempt to style it much more frequently than I did with my long hair.
And now, on to the future. February is a short month--in case you didn't know that--so it should go by pretty quickly. I'm not anticipating much happening this month outside of GRADING GRADING GRADING (why am I an English teacher?!?). The reason for so much grading--and planning--is because I'm trying to work ahead for March. Why, you might ask? March is going to be a month of fun (and work, but fun, too!). My mom comes the first week on her spring break, my best bud Caroline (who went with me to the Dallas chemo and was shopping with me when I found out) is coming the next week on her spring break, my cousin may or may not be coming to stay one week, the juniors and seniors have Prom which junior advisers help plan, so I will be there, and then we get two weeks of spring break! The second week I'm going to Kauai, so I'm excited. I'll update on those as they come, but I figured I'd at least lay out why it is that February will probably be a super low-key month.
To those who would be jealous: please realize that I still do not go to the beach every day. I happen to have a job where I work INDOORS most of the day, so that is why I do not look like someone injected me with Hawaiian blood. Also, I should probably clear up that Hawaiians do not wear grass skirts around, do not surf to school, and do not live in grass huts. I'm sure there are a couple of THOSE people who do that just to be different--or maybe on surrounding islands in rural parts, but since the students complain that people they meet ask them these questions, I figured I'd go ahead and clear up those rumors for you. My fellow Texans: you understand their plight because it's like all of those other Americans who ask if we rode horses to school, how many pairs of cowboy boots we have, and how many cows we own.
Ok. I should go because I have a lot of grading to do. Thank you SO much to everyone who has continued to lift up my family. I am floored again and again by people's love and continued support even now, a year into remission! Thanks for encouraging me, and thanks for letting me share. God is so faithful, and as I look back on the last 15 months, I am reminded of that again and again. God bless!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
I realize that it's been a while. Jumping back into things in January is always crazy, as you surely understand. I've been thinking of blogging for a while, but I hope I'm not so narcissistic that I think I should post because everyone is waiting on that. While I find that blogging has been incredibly therapeutic for processing, for some reason it seems hard to justify blogging when I don't have a ton of Hodgkin's related info to convey since I don't want to be self-important and think my voice needs to be another one to add into the mix of this day and age where everyone can be a "writer" by their own standards. But, that's another topic...one that I get hung-up on as a former English major and current English teacher.
All of that is to say, if you HAVE been checking for updates, I am so sorry. I do think it's fitting on this 1-year celebration of CONTINUED remission (yes, I had scans over break of which I will get to in a minute) to update on my health and to maybe explain how Christmas break went since some of you either saw pictures or read in our Christmas card that we had a pretty exciting break. :)
So, Christmas break. On Wednesday, December 23rd, my mom and I went to Baylor Plano to have my 6 month CT scan. It was a slowwww process of waiting, but once they called me back, the scan itself only took 5-10 minutes. We waited for 3-4 hours. Good times. ANYWAY, the Dallas guys read them and said they were still clear, so that is a huge praise! As I've mentioned, Hodgkin's is really curable, but if it's going to come back, it's usually within the first year or two, so this is the time to watch for it. Dr. Gordon in Chicago still has to read them additionally, but it sounds like they're good!
After that less fun day, we had a great Christmas! This was the last one for my parents to have any kids still living at home, so it'll be interesting next year as Madelyn comes back from Charleston, I'm back from Honolulu, and Katie's back from Colorado Springs--all to celebrate Christmas. I'm predicting it will be LOUD since someone will have all kinds of new adventures to share about...and she tends to be loud anyway. :)
On Wednesday, December 30, we flew to New York City to celebrate New Year's Eve. Being in Times Square and watching the Ball drop was something I'd always wanted to do, and it was SO COOL! I would recommend everyone doing it at least once. Some people had told me that it's the "best thing you never do again," and I might agree with that, but if the weather conditions were perfect, I'd probably do it again. It was fun. I don't know if you realize (I didn't), but there are over 1 million people there, so the crowds you see in Times Square itself on tv are not even close to the majority of people, thus lots of people are lined up many blocks away where they essentially watch the action on a tv screen set up outside. Hearing this from my best friend Sarah, we decided that if we were going to spend the money, take the time, and freeze, we were going to do this RIGHT, which meant we were gonna be IN the heart of Times Square.
And we were (check out our vantage point). We got to the epicenter of Times Square at 12pm on December 31, and we were standing there for over 12 hours (it takes a while to celebrate and leave). Despite waiting for eternity and the sleet/snow/rain mixture that started coming down on us by about 9pm, it was INCREDIBLE! We made some friends actually as soon as we got there--an engaged couple named Brett and Chi, and they ended up staying with us and joining our family the whole time! We had so much fun "holding the lines" to our space and giving evil eyes to those that tried to infringe on it (which happened about every minute), we played Mad Gab, we listened to music on a portable speaker, and eventually, when the entertainers started coming out, we watched/listened to them. This second picture is of the family with our family "mascot" (?) Cheese...you had to be there...or have seen Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends...
Here are some more pictures:
The first is of the official countdown. Here it's down to 12 seconds (BEST NUMBER EVER):
The second picture is of the stroke of midnight!!
The final picture is of all the confetti--apparently they drop more than 2 tons of it...and yet, not ONE SINGLE PIECE fell on us.
It was AWESOME. I'm SO glad we did that! And, on top of all of that, we got to see 3 Broadway shows, which I am in love with since I think the coolest job ever would be to sing on Broadway. :) My mom, Madelyn, and I flew back late Saturday, January 2nd, and then I flew back to Honolulu the next day at about noon, so it was a bit of a whirlwind, but it was absolutely worth it, and I had a great time with my family.
Back in Hawaii, things are going well--again, it's weird that there are no seasons, so it really doesn't feel like February, and more than that, it feels like it's the same day, every day, but I think I'm adjusting. Plus, I definitely DON'T miss those days in the teens or even below 0 that my Wheaton friends have been reminding me about lately. I've been busy with school, Homecoming (it's in January here because they have it for basketball), and then Junior Camp which is like a retreat with the whole junior class. That was great, and though the junior class has apparently been known previously to not have a lot of drive or unity, it was really cool to see them bond and come together for Homecoming week and the competitions that went on last week with that.
Also, I got to share some things I'd been learning in the form of "myths" we sometimes have about God, so that was good--probably for me as I continue to process, especially. I basically shared about my myth that sometimes I think God is "out to get me"--and not directly, but subconsciously that shows up. For instance, the first few months I was here, I remember just thinking that it was almost too good to be true--that I'd gotten something I actually PLANNED on, which is usually NOT the case--and I almost had this feeling that I was just waiting for something bad to happen, which is TERRIBLE of me! So, I got to share how I realized that that kind of thinking is definitely a myth--sometimes God does have to teach us hard lessons, and to be honest, usually we don't get what we want. BUT, it's not like God is sitting up in Heaven all nonchalant thinking, "yeah, just you wait Hannah. This won't last. Don't get too happy." And yet, when I feel like I'm waiting for something bad to come along and mess it up, that shows that I DO sometimes forget that God has the BEST for me, that He is GOOD, and that He is on my side. I think I've shared all of that before, but I figured that if I'm going to tell you that I shared at Junior Camp, I should probably tell you what I shared about.
Aside from that lesson, people have been asking me, "Where are you in your relationship with the Lord?" lately, and it's been hard to answer. It's not that I think I'm in a dry spell because I think I'm growing, but then again, I don't know that I've been growing incredibly. I don't think I'm in an apathetic spot or anything, but the reason it's hard to answer is because I don't KNOW! That sounds like a cop-out, but really, I feel like I'm not SURE where I'm at. I'm not talking about what I believe--I know that--but as for how I'm growing in my walk with the Lord, I think I am, but I just can't pinpoint it. If that's not the vaguest thing or the most confusing, then please let me know where I'm at. :) You can see my struggle with answering that question. So, in the meantime, I'm trying to grow and pursue the Lord, and I realize that, most of the time, we don't know what we are learning DURING the lessons anyway. I was reading to my homeroom from The Red Sea Rules the other day, and I love one of the phrases Morgan uses. He says, "The Christian life is less of an unveiling than an unfolding," and I agree. I don't think the metaphorical curtain ever just drops and TA-DA! we know. On the contrary: life is more of an unfolding step by step as God shows us one day at a time how to follow and what that actually looks like.
While I'm at it, I should share another quote that has a great contrast of what the Christian life ISN'T with what it IS: "God's people don't live on explanations; they live on promises, and those promises are as unchanging as the character of God" (Warren W. Wiersbe). That comes from a commentary on Psalms that I've been working through, and I feel like that is great advice to remember, and it's been helpful as I think through last year. Yeah, we don't always get explanations. BUT, we do receive hundreds of promises, and the God who promises us all of those good things is FAITHFUL. I like that quote a whole lot, basically.
On a few last notes, in case you are wondering about lingering side-effects, my toe nails have almost grown out all the way to where they are almost all connected to skin again. :) Also, I am wearing my hair short. I came back from Christmas and decided that, even if I absolutely HATE this short hair, at least, by the end of this, if people ask me how I liked short hair, I can answer fairly. However, if I wore a wig until it was shoulder-length at least and people asked me that question, I might never know if I hated it or loved it. And, on the hope that this lymphoma will not come back nor will I contract another kind of cancer in the future, I decided that, if I do HATE it, I never have to wear it short again. My current thoughts are: 1. it's growing on me. haha...pun intended. :) 2. it's cute. not pretty, but it works and it's different, and again, I never have to wear it short again if I don't want to. 3. I am SO jealous of girls who can throw their hair into ponytails. People tell me that I'm "lucky" because it must be so easy to style, but that is not true. It's not easy if you don't know HOW to style it, and I can't just throw my hair into a ponytail that I try to make look decently nice for work. No, I have to wash it and attempt to style it much more frequently than I did with my long hair.
And now, on to the future. February is a short month--in case you didn't know that--so it should go by pretty quickly. I'm not anticipating much happening this month outside of GRADING GRADING GRADING (why am I an English teacher?!?). The reason for so much grading--and planning--is because I'm trying to work ahead for March. Why, you might ask? March is going to be a month of fun (and work, but fun, too!). My mom comes the first week on her spring break, my best bud Caroline (who went with me to the Dallas chemo and was shopping with me when I found out) is coming the next week on her spring break, my cousin may or may not be coming to stay one week, the juniors and seniors have Prom which junior advisers help plan, so I will be there, and then we get two weeks of spring break! The second week I'm going to Kauai, so I'm excited. I'll update on those as they come, but I figured I'd at least lay out why it is that February will probably be a super low-key month.
To those who would be jealous: please realize that I still do not go to the beach every day. I happen to have a job where I work INDOORS most of the day, so that is why I do not look like someone injected me with Hawaiian blood. Also, I should probably clear up that Hawaiians do not wear grass skirts around, do not surf to school, and do not live in grass huts. I'm sure there are a couple of THOSE people who do that just to be different--or maybe on surrounding islands in rural parts, but since the students complain that people they meet ask them these questions, I figured I'd go ahead and clear up those rumors for you. My fellow Texans: you understand their plight because it's like all of those other Americans who ask if we rode horses to school, how many pairs of cowboy boots we have, and how many cows we own.
Ok. I should go because I have a lot of grading to do. Thank you SO much to everyone who has continued to lift up my family. I am floored again and again by people's love and continued support even now, a year into remission! Thanks for encouraging me, and thanks for letting me share. God is so faithful, and as I look back on the last 15 months, I am reminded of that again and again. God bless!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Thursday, November 26, 2009
"You turned my wailing into dancing...that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." -Psalm 30:11-12
Wow. One year ago on this date, it was the day before Thanksgiving, and I was shopping at Northpark Mall in Dallas, TX with my friend Caroline. I got a call from Dr. Santi back in Wheaton who explained that my biopsy from that Monday came back positive, meaning that I had cancer. As he proceeded to explain my diagnosis of Hodgkin's Lymphoma, I looked around for something to write on, but all I came up with was my shopping bag, so I wrote down all the information on that Nordstrom bag. WHAT A BIZARRE day! What a bizarre time and place to get such a diagnosis, and what a bizarre year that followed!
As I think back to last Thanksgiving, there were so many uncertainties. I was just reading over my very first blog from this day last year, and so much came back to me--needing to find a doctor, figuring out all the scheduling, all of the tests, what chemo even MEANT--so many uncertainties! Needless to say, this has been a November of reminiscing.
This week in school, we asked our freshmen to think about what they are thankful for. Easy, right? Maybe not always. I reminded them that 1 Thessalonians 5:18 teaches us to "give thanks in ALL circumstances." That's not always easy, especially in difficult circumstances where you focus on getting through it for the present time.
However, I think it absolutely makes a difference, and I pray that from now on, no matter if I'm in paradise or a hospital room, I would have a thankful heart.
And with that, I think it appropriate to share MANY of the things and people I am thankful for. First of all, there are more people and situations I can count, so know that I'm thankful for ALL of you. Secondly, when giving thanks to people and for things, it's a necessary reminder that ALL of our praise ultimately goes to God since ALL good things cone from Him. I firmly believe that.
Without further adieu, below is an inexhaustive list of all that I am thankful for on this Thanksgiving day and year anniversary of finding out my diagnosis:
I am thankful for: Doctors who knew what they were doing and who used their best judgment and answered our MANY questions. Who saw me and decided to even treat me. Who prayed for me and let me know I was in good Hands.
I am thankful for: Nurses who sat with me, making my experience so much easier and something to look forward to, who put in overtime just to work things out with my school schedule.
I am thankful for: All the friends and family who came to treatments, tests, and bone-marrow biopsies (SICK), often sitting through long hours of BORING, bearing with me when I was out of it, and making it through gross procedures.
I am thankful for: My Kampers who lifted me up, changing roles as THEY encouraged ME.
I am thankful for: My mom's kindergarteners who sent me drawings, Angel Christmas tree toppers, petis-fours, and all other great gifts. Who prayed for me, rejoiced with the passing of each treatment, and who made me feel so loved and also humbled by their childlike faith and trust.
I am thankful for: All of the TCA community who spread the word, prayed for me, made scrapbook pages for me, and emailed me encouraging messages of hope. For classmates that, despite time and distance apart, still let me know they were praying for me and would help if there was anything to do.
I am thankful for: Harrison, who, upon hearing of the diagnosis, said that if I had to shave my head, he would shave his, and two months later, let me shave his head. :)
I am thankful for: Brooke, who never ONCE complained about having to take on more than she agreed to when she signed up to assist me coaching club volleyball.
I am thankful for: Maggie and Hannah who both showed me incredible friendship in our last semester of college, letting me cry on their shoulders, continually encouraging me with their words and faith.
I am thankful for: ALL of my incredible teammates (Calla, Ruth, Leah, Mal, Annie, Stef, Kelli, Lisa, Megan, Jaíme, Emily, Abby, Ashley, Hannah, Brooke, Sarah, Kelly, Paige, Kaitlyn, and Jenna) who cried with me, laughed with me, and prayed with me. Who made it so much easier as we shaved my head (thanks to Mrs. Graham for that, too!), sat and watched movies with me, brought me Jamba Juice, and helped me kick cancer's ***. Who drove me around Wheaton, to Texas, through Texas, to Chick-Fil-A in Wisconsin for an exciting night out for me, and to my many treatments. Whose families all prayed for me and encouraged me, too. Who just loved me in all of their words and actions and were irreplaceable.
I am thankful for: the Armstrongs who acted as my "Wheaton family" and took me to almost every treatment, letting me stay at their house when I needed to crash, and treating me like one of their own daughters. Their model of Christ as lived out daily has taught me so many things and blessed me in great ways.
I am thankful for: My aunts who gave me the one thing to look forward to on chemo days by sending me and my family care packages of greatness, showing their love, creativity, and support that went above and beyond.
I am thankful for: My whole family--extended and beyond--who rallied for support, showing me HOW blessed I am to be a McGinnis and to be part of the Cunningham clan.
I am thankful for: My immediate family who walked through this journey every bit as much as I did. Who put everything on hold, missed work, sent me presents, cried many tears with me, paid all of my bills, let me stay in Chicago even though it killed them to have me a thousand miles away. Who showed me a great picture of the Father's love for His children.
To the Lord who is GOOD, and who has perfect plans for us, though we may not understand them. Who walks with us daily, bearing our burdens for us. Who not only sent His Son to die in our places, but who also heals our diseases, gives us daily grace, and calls is His own.
For all those that weren't covered in one of those categories, thank you. I know I didn't get everyone, and I could go on for MANY paragraphs if I didn't have to get to Thanksgiving dinner. Thanks for the emails, thoughts, prayers, encouragement, and support. Thanks for reading my blog and allowing me to process and try to sort through all of my thoughts, fears, lows, highs, and joys.
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou from the bottom of my heart. You have ALL made me a more grateful and humble person by showing me just how incredible the body of Christ really is.
I pray that you are ALL blessed today.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
As I think back to last Thanksgiving, there were so many uncertainties. I was just reading over my very first blog from this day last year, and so much came back to me--needing to find a doctor, figuring out all the scheduling, all of the tests, what chemo even MEANT--so many uncertainties! Needless to say, this has been a November of reminiscing.
This week in school, we asked our freshmen to think about what they are thankful for. Easy, right? Maybe not always. I reminded them that 1 Thessalonians 5:18 teaches us to "give thanks in ALL circumstances." That's not always easy, especially in difficult circumstances where you focus on getting through it for the present time.
However, I think it absolutely makes a difference, and I pray that from now on, no matter if I'm in paradise or a hospital room, I would have a thankful heart.
And with that, I think it appropriate to share MANY of the things and people I am thankful for. First of all, there are more people and situations I can count, so know that I'm thankful for ALL of you. Secondly, when giving thanks to people and for things, it's a necessary reminder that ALL of our praise ultimately goes to God since ALL good things cone from Him. I firmly believe that.
Without further adieu, below is an inexhaustive list of all that I am thankful for on this Thanksgiving day and year anniversary of finding out my diagnosis:
I am thankful for: Doctors who knew what they were doing and who used their best judgment and answered our MANY questions. Who saw me and decided to even treat me. Who prayed for me and let me know I was in good Hands.
I am thankful for: Nurses who sat with me, making my experience so much easier and something to look forward to, who put in overtime just to work things out with my school schedule.
I am thankful for: All the friends and family who came to treatments, tests, and bone-marrow biopsies (SICK), often sitting through long hours of BORING, bearing with me when I was out of it, and making it through gross procedures.
I am thankful for: My Kampers who lifted me up, changing roles as THEY encouraged ME.
I am thankful for: My mom's kindergarteners who sent me drawings, Angel Christmas tree toppers, petis-fours, and all other great gifts. Who prayed for me, rejoiced with the passing of each treatment, and who made me feel so loved and also humbled by their childlike faith and trust.
I am thankful for: All of the TCA community who spread the word, prayed for me, made scrapbook pages for me, and emailed me encouraging messages of hope. For classmates that, despite time and distance apart, still let me know they were praying for me and would help if there was anything to do.
I am thankful for: Harrison, who, upon hearing of the diagnosis, said that if I had to shave my head, he would shave his, and two months later, let me shave his head. :)
I am thankful for: Brooke, who never ONCE complained about having to take on more than she agreed to when she signed up to assist me coaching club volleyball.
I am thankful for: Maggie and Hannah who both showed me incredible friendship in our last semester of college, letting me cry on their shoulders, continually encouraging me with their words and faith.
I am thankful for: ALL of my incredible teammates (Calla, Ruth, Leah, Mal, Annie, Stef, Kelli, Lisa, Megan, Jaíme, Emily, Abby, Ashley, Hannah, Brooke, Sarah, Kelly, Paige, Kaitlyn, and Jenna) who cried with me, laughed with me, and prayed with me. Who made it so much easier as we shaved my head (thanks to Mrs. Graham for that, too!), sat and watched movies with me, brought me Jamba Juice, and helped me kick cancer's ***. Who drove me around Wheaton, to Texas, through Texas, to Chick-Fil-A in Wisconsin for an exciting night out for me, and to my many treatments. Whose families all prayed for me and encouraged me, too. Who just loved me in all of their words and actions and were irreplaceable.
I am thankful for: the Armstrongs who acted as my "Wheaton family" and took me to almost every treatment, letting me stay at their house when I needed to crash, and treating me like one of their own daughters. Their model of Christ as lived out daily has taught me so many things and blessed me in great ways.
I am thankful for: My aunts who gave me the one thing to look forward to on chemo days by sending me and my family care packages of greatness, showing their love, creativity, and support that went above and beyond.
I am thankful for: My whole family--extended and beyond--who rallied for support, showing me HOW blessed I am to be a McGinnis and to be part of the Cunningham clan.
I am thankful for: My immediate family who walked through this journey every bit as much as I did. Who put everything on hold, missed work, sent me presents, cried many tears with me, paid all of my bills, let me stay in Chicago even though it killed them to have me a thousand miles away. Who showed me a great picture of the Father's love for His children.
To the Lord who is GOOD, and who has perfect plans for us, though we may not understand them. Who walks with us daily, bearing our burdens for us. Who not only sent His Son to die in our places, but who also heals our diseases, gives us daily grace, and calls is His own.
For all those that weren't covered in one of those categories, thank you. I know I didn't get everyone, and I could go on for MANY paragraphs if I didn't have to get to Thanksgiving dinner. Thanks for the emails, thoughts, prayers, encouragement, and support. Thanks for reading my blog and allowing me to process and try to sort through all of my thoughts, fears, lows, highs, and joys.
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou from the bottom of my heart. You have ALL made me a more grateful and humble person by showing me just how incredible the body of Christ really is.
I pray that you are ALL blessed today.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Friday, November 6, 2009
"He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." --Psalm 40:2b-3a
That verse is pretty poignant: in the last year, God definitely brought me through the fire, picked me out of the metaphorical pit, and placed me on solid ground, giving me a new song of praise to sing to Him!
I realize it has (once again) been a LONG while since I last updated, and I’m going to try to fix that bad habit in the future. BUT, I wanted to make sure and blog tonight since today is such a poignant day in the history of Hannah McGinnis. Why, you may ask?
One year ago on a beautiful Friday morning in Wheaton, IL, I went to the Wheaton College Health Center to get my flu shot. Once again, God’s timing was SUCH a blessing: I waited until Friday to get the flu shot because (lamely) I wanted to wait until volleyball season was over. In my mind, I’d just jumped back into the game with two weeks left of my season, and since my knee was still in killer pain, I didn’t want to add a sore arm from a flu shot into that mix. Again, what a BLESSING that, though lame that I didn’t want a little shot to interfere with my hitting (because really, what are the chances that would hinder me from wanting to hit the ball?!?), GOD’S timing in that was PERFECT because my waiting allowed me to close the chapter of playing volleyball before opening the next chapter (of which I was completely unaware when I woke up that Friday, November 7th).
Back to the Health Center. I walked in, went back for my routine flu shot (PTL for those, btw), and the nurse asked me first if I was sick or not because if I HAD the flu, the shot would’ve been pointless. I said that I wasn’t sick, but I threw out there that I had a couple swollen lymph nodes, so I didn’t know if that meant I was sick and just didn’t know it or if I was fixing to be sick. She said I was fine since that was clearly not the flu, and she proceeded to give me my flu shot. However, she did call in another nurse to check out the swollen bumps in my neck, and then they sent me into a smaller room to wait for a doctor. A doctor came in, checked them out, and then wrote me two prescriptions: one for a CT scan and one for an X-Ray, and she told me to go to Central DuPage Hospital’s ER to get them taken.
I have a very visual memory, and I remember PERFECTLY walking out of there and across the quad to SAGA (our cafeteria), but on the way I called my dad. To give some back-story, in April of that year, I was setting up the volleyball net before a spring season practice, and the peg that held the pole at the right height slipped out, causing the top half of the metal pole to come crashing down upon the bottom half, with my right hand caught in between. I yelled, called my teammate Emily over, and told her I probably wouldn’t be practicing that day (or the next month, as I would later find out). It took a gap out of the palm of my right hand—right where you hit a volleyball, and Emily later went back to the pole, took a piece of tape, and used it to get my skin from off of the pole (sickening). I had to go the ER to get stitches because apparently the hand is too complicated for general stitches, and when we got the bill later, my dad told me never to go to the ER again without consulting him first.
So naturally, on that Friday, I called my dad while standing outside of SAGA in Soderquist plaza, and I told him, “The Health Center just told me to go to the ER for a CT scan and X-Ray,” to which he replied, “What HAPPENED?!?” After I assured him that I had not let any equipment fall on any part of me, he said, “Wait, so WHY do they want you to go?” and I said, “Well, I have those two swollen lymph nodes on the side of my neck and they freaked out.” He concluded that, before paying obscene amounts in bills again, I should see another doctor first.
And thus began a crazy succession of doctor’s appointments, tests, and scans. November was CRAZY. The point of all of this? It’s been interesting going back over the past year as I come upon a year anniversary of many events. I think, for the first time, much of last year is actually starting to set in now. I think I wrote about this in my September blog, but while we were going through the whole past year, our mindset was to stay positive, trust the Lord, and push right through it, and that worked. It’s been after-the-fact that I’ve been trying to process, and that is not the easiest thing to do.
So, while it’s probably narcissistic of me to think that what I have to say is so important that I should have a blog still and that people should read about ME, and while it’s also probably unnecessary for you to walk back through all of last year with me, it’s something I need to do. Otherwise, I pretty much ignore trying to make sense of it. And, you know what? Sometimes we can’t make sense of things, and that’s okay. But, I don’t want to “lose” or forget anything that I learned, saw, or experienced last year because God did some INCREDIBLE things: in me, through my family and friends, and in teaching me and so many others about His sovereignty and faithfulness. That’s something I don’t want to lose sight of as I “move on.” (And “moving on” is such an arbitrary term since it’s not like cancer and I took a break and decided to go in a new direction or anything.)
Back to why I share about last year. WHO KNEW that, on that nice Friday morning, going to get my annual flu shot would have such a profound impact on the rest of my life?!? NOT ME. However, it’s so cool to think that, while I was bewildered at the Health Center’s freak-out, God has always known what my going to get that flu shot would unveil. I can’t even get my mind around it, and I’m probably just being repetitive now and not making sense, but to me, that is SO cool. It was such a commonplace thing, and yet, this day (among many others) will probably forever stand out in my mind because while I was completely unaware, God had been preparing me, my family and friends, and my schedule even for this all along. That leads me to conclude that I am SO GLAD God knows ahead of time! How many times have I been completely unaware of what was fixing to hit, and yet, He knew and was “ready” the whole time?!?
Such a common day that opened the door to such a bizarre yet BLESSED year. And now, here I am in Honolulu, writing all of this to you. It has truly been a year that I NEVER could have scripted—and that includes my move here.
As for Honolulu, things are going well. It was hard for me to pick up and move to the frozen tundra of Wheaton for college after having gone to TCA for 13 years. I was so ready to get out of TCA, but then I got to Wheaton, and I would be talking with friends, and all we could reminisce about was what had happened last month or a couple weeks ago. It was hard to have left the context where I had grown up and where friends from home and I could talk about that time so-and-so threw up in 2nd grade, or that time a teacher thought some friends were cheating in middle school, etc. While it was a hard adjustment to leave those I’d literally grown up with, Wheaton was SUCH an incredible blessing, and those friends will stay with me for the rest of my life.
Just as my transition to Wheaton after such a long time in the same place was hard, so this has been challenging in some ways. Don’t get me wrong: I love Hawaii. However, after such a monumental year that changed SO much about me—my perspective on most things, my concerns, my friends, etc.—it’s been hard to pick up and be here where no one walked through that profound year with me. Anything anyone knows about my bout with Hodgkin’s is from what I’ve told them; to them, it’s a story from my past that I can use anecdotally. For me, however, it’s SO current! It was just in May—not even 6 months ago—that I finished up treatment! My toenails are still half gone, my hair is still manly-ish, and I still loathe the smell of saline that wafts out of my medicine bottle each morning. It’s not just a story from my past to use anecdotally—it feels like such a big part of who I am, and while I’m thrilled to be finished with treatment and hope I never have to do chemo again, I’m a little afraid of letting it slip away. I know I touched on that in September, so sorry to bore you. But again, this is such a great way for me to process my subconscious thoughts. :)
Let me move on now to what I’ve been DOING. Last time, I told you that I was 3 weeks away from Fall Break. Fall Break was INCREDIBLE! Ahhhhh I’m so sad that it’s over, and it definitely made me miss my friends more. I was home for a couple days and got to spend some quality time with the fam, which was great. Then, I went to Wheaton for the first weekend because it was homecoming. I stayed in Chi-town with one of my best buds and teammates Mallory on Thursday night, October 8th, and we had a great time catching up and getting in quality time. We both have gained great perspective in the past couple years--and I think so much was put into perspective for me this last year--so it was cool to talk and see how we've grown. Anyway, we woke up and went next door to Northwestern Memorial Hospital where I had my blood counts taken and met with Sarah Miyata. Guess what?!? MY BLOOD COUNTS ARE ALL BACK TO NORMAL!!! PTL! That's such a blessing, especially with all this flu business going on. She said I still might feel a little tired and like I'm catching up, but having been out of exercise for so long, that's gonna happen anyway. And, I am proud to say that, despite having been a "has-been" for a year officially now, I have finally been able to work out as a non-athlete on a regular basis! That's an unfortunate transition, let me say: going from daily workouts with my best buds playing the game I love to being sedentary to having to go to the gym and work out with my music. Anyway...
The rest of the weekend, I got to spend some incredible time with my teammates back at Wheaton. ALL of the girls in my class and the class above me from my team were back, which is probably very rare, so that was such a blessing! There were 7 in my class at points, and there were 3 in the class above me, and we are all over the nation--literally--so it was the coolest thing that everyone made it back. We had brunch with my teammates who are still at Wheaton, so there were like 20 of us in a college apartment living room, and we had a great time. Saturday we went to the football game, and I was reminded of why the cold and I are not tight. It was in the upper 30s and the sun didn't come out for the game at all. But, don't worry, it came out literally 30 minutes after the game ended. Awesome. That night, 3 teammates and I went to the Taylor Swift concert in Chicago, so that was fun, too!
As much as I hate the cold, Chicago is really an awesome city! Additionally, I realized that I miss Fall! Again, I LOVE it here, but it's so weird that there are no seasons! I got to stay with the Armstrongs, and they had a "Smokefest" that I heartily enjoyed, so it was a stellar weekend on every front! The rest of my weekend was filled with meals catching up with people, and all of that made for an amazing trip back to Wheaton. I was absolutely reminded of the caliber and depth of relationships I was blessed with at Wheaton, and I left even more grateful for God having brought me there than before.
I went back home for around 5 days, and that was great, too. I love spending time with my family, and a few friends of mine and my cousin from Baylor all came home, so I got to see great people and have some more quality family bonding at home. I headed back to Honolulu mid-October, and we just finished our third week of this second quarter today. Two weeks from tonight, Madelyn and one of her friends will be arriving to hang out over Thanksgiving break, so I'm definitely looking forward to that!
As for things in Hawaii, they are good. I guess with school, I'd love prayers that God would use me and give me wisdom with knowing what to say and how to love each of these kids. As I mentioned before, there is such a need at HBA, and I think it's really set in that this really is a battle. My students are great, but that's not enough if they're not surrendering to Him, and that's a reality that adds some expediency to my teaching since I only have 6 more weeks with my juniors and seniors before I start over and get a new group next semester. As I've mentioned, time flies, so in spite of that, I want to make sure I'm pouring in while I can! The picture below is one my mom had to take of me on my first day of school...teacher-style. :)
Outside of school, things are going well--tomorrow I'm walking down to Waikiki, so I'm excited for that! I've been going to a good church in Kailua, which is a more residential area on the "windward side" (northeast area), and after church, I've been going to my favorite beach up there called Lanikai. The sand there literally feels like you are walking on flour! I love it--sometimes I grade papers there, and it's a great place and time to call friends and family and catch up. Below is Lanikai beach!
To wrap this up for the night, as I begin the process of walking back through last year and all the craziness that was my senior year of college, I have to thank all of you, once again, for your prayers, faithful friendship, and encouraging words to me and my family. God knew exactly what I needed, and He absolutely provided me with an INCREDIBLE body of support, reminding me that we are called to fellowship and bearing one another's burdens in Him! I pray that you, in turn, are so blessed and know his faithfulness as well. Thankyou thankyou thankyou from the bottom of my heart--there aren't words to express my gratitude at the support from people I barely even know! What a year...
I'll try to update more frequently these days, but know that you are so appreciated!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
I realize it has (once again) been a LONG while since I last updated, and I’m going to try to fix that bad habit in the future. BUT, I wanted to make sure and blog tonight since today is such a poignant day in the history of Hannah McGinnis. Why, you may ask?
One year ago on a beautiful Friday morning in Wheaton, IL, I went to the Wheaton College Health Center to get my flu shot. Once again, God’s timing was SUCH a blessing: I waited until Friday to get the flu shot because (lamely) I wanted to wait until volleyball season was over. In my mind, I’d just jumped back into the game with two weeks left of my season, and since my knee was still in killer pain, I didn’t want to add a sore arm from a flu shot into that mix. Again, what a BLESSING that, though lame that I didn’t want a little shot to interfere with my hitting (because really, what are the chances that would hinder me from wanting to hit the ball?!?), GOD’S timing in that was PERFECT because my waiting allowed me to close the chapter of playing volleyball before opening the next chapter (of which I was completely unaware when I woke up that Friday, November 7th).
Back to the Health Center. I walked in, went back for my routine flu shot (PTL for those, btw), and the nurse asked me first if I was sick or not because if I HAD the flu, the shot would’ve been pointless. I said that I wasn’t sick, but I threw out there that I had a couple swollen lymph nodes, so I didn’t know if that meant I was sick and just didn’t know it or if I was fixing to be sick. She said I was fine since that was clearly not the flu, and she proceeded to give me my flu shot. However, she did call in another nurse to check out the swollen bumps in my neck, and then they sent me into a smaller room to wait for a doctor. A doctor came in, checked them out, and then wrote me two prescriptions: one for a CT scan and one for an X-Ray, and she told me to go to Central DuPage Hospital’s ER to get them taken.
I have a very visual memory, and I remember PERFECTLY walking out of there and across the quad to SAGA (our cafeteria), but on the way I called my dad. To give some back-story, in April of that year, I was setting up the volleyball net before a spring season practice, and the peg that held the pole at the right height slipped out, causing the top half of the metal pole to come crashing down upon the bottom half, with my right hand caught in between. I yelled, called my teammate Emily over, and told her I probably wouldn’t be practicing that day (or the next month, as I would later find out). It took a gap out of the palm of my right hand—right where you hit a volleyball, and Emily later went back to the pole, took a piece of tape, and used it to get my skin from off of the pole (sickening). I had to go the ER to get stitches because apparently the hand is too complicated for general stitches, and when we got the bill later, my dad told me never to go to the ER again without consulting him first.
So naturally, on that Friday, I called my dad while standing outside of SAGA in Soderquist plaza, and I told him, “The Health Center just told me to go to the ER for a CT scan and X-Ray,” to which he replied, “What HAPPENED?!?” After I assured him that I had not let any equipment fall on any part of me, he said, “Wait, so WHY do they want you to go?” and I said, “Well, I have those two swollen lymph nodes on the side of my neck and they freaked out.” He concluded that, before paying obscene amounts in bills again, I should see another doctor first.
And thus began a crazy succession of doctor’s appointments, tests, and scans. November was CRAZY. The point of all of this? It’s been interesting going back over the past year as I come upon a year anniversary of many events. I think, for the first time, much of last year is actually starting to set in now. I think I wrote about this in my September blog, but while we were going through the whole past year, our mindset was to stay positive, trust the Lord, and push right through it, and that worked. It’s been after-the-fact that I’ve been trying to process, and that is not the easiest thing to do.
So, while it’s probably narcissistic of me to think that what I have to say is so important that I should have a blog still and that people should read about ME, and while it’s also probably unnecessary for you to walk back through all of last year with me, it’s something I need to do. Otherwise, I pretty much ignore trying to make sense of it. And, you know what? Sometimes we can’t make sense of things, and that’s okay. But, I don’t want to “lose” or forget anything that I learned, saw, or experienced last year because God did some INCREDIBLE things: in me, through my family and friends, and in teaching me and so many others about His sovereignty and faithfulness. That’s something I don’t want to lose sight of as I “move on.” (And “moving on” is such an arbitrary term since it’s not like cancer and I took a break and decided to go in a new direction or anything.)
Back to why I share about last year. WHO KNEW that, on that nice Friday morning, going to get my annual flu shot would have such a profound impact on the rest of my life?!? NOT ME. However, it’s so cool to think that, while I was bewildered at the Health Center’s freak-out, God has always known what my going to get that flu shot would unveil. I can’t even get my mind around it, and I’m probably just being repetitive now and not making sense, but to me, that is SO cool. It was such a commonplace thing, and yet, this day (among many others) will probably forever stand out in my mind because while I was completely unaware, God had been preparing me, my family and friends, and my schedule even for this all along. That leads me to conclude that I am SO GLAD God knows ahead of time! How many times have I been completely unaware of what was fixing to hit, and yet, He knew and was “ready” the whole time?!?
Such a common day that opened the door to such a bizarre yet BLESSED year. And now, here I am in Honolulu, writing all of this to you. It has truly been a year that I NEVER could have scripted—and that includes my move here.
As for Honolulu, things are going well. It was hard for me to pick up and move to the frozen tundra of Wheaton for college after having gone to TCA for 13 years. I was so ready to get out of TCA, but then I got to Wheaton, and I would be talking with friends, and all we could reminisce about was what had happened last month or a couple weeks ago. It was hard to have left the context where I had grown up and where friends from home and I could talk about that time so-and-so threw up in 2nd grade, or that time a teacher thought some friends were cheating in middle school, etc. While it was a hard adjustment to leave those I’d literally grown up with, Wheaton was SUCH an incredible blessing, and those friends will stay with me for the rest of my life.
Just as my transition to Wheaton after such a long time in the same place was hard, so this has been challenging in some ways. Don’t get me wrong: I love Hawaii. However, after such a monumental year that changed SO much about me—my perspective on most things, my concerns, my friends, etc.—it’s been hard to pick up and be here where no one walked through that profound year with me. Anything anyone knows about my bout with Hodgkin’s is from what I’ve told them; to them, it’s a story from my past that I can use anecdotally. For me, however, it’s SO current! It was just in May—not even 6 months ago—that I finished up treatment! My toenails are still half gone, my hair is still manly-ish, and I still loathe the smell of saline that wafts out of my medicine bottle each morning. It’s not just a story from my past to use anecdotally—it feels like such a big part of who I am, and while I’m thrilled to be finished with treatment and hope I never have to do chemo again, I’m a little afraid of letting it slip away. I know I touched on that in September, so sorry to bore you. But again, this is such a great way for me to process my subconscious thoughts. :)
Let me move on now to what I’ve been DOING. Last time, I told you that I was 3 weeks away from Fall Break. Fall Break was INCREDIBLE! Ahhhhh I’m so sad that it’s over, and it definitely made me miss my friends more. I was home for a couple days and got to spend some quality time with the fam, which was great. Then, I went to Wheaton for the first weekend because it was homecoming. I stayed in Chi-town with one of my best buds and teammates Mallory on Thursday night, October 8th, and we had a great time catching up and getting in quality time. We both have gained great perspective in the past couple years--and I think so much was put into perspective for me this last year--so it was cool to talk and see how we've grown. Anyway, we woke up and went next door to Northwestern Memorial Hospital where I had my blood counts taken and met with Sarah Miyata. Guess what?!? MY BLOOD COUNTS ARE ALL BACK TO NORMAL!!! PTL! That's such a blessing, especially with all this flu business going on. She said I still might feel a little tired and like I'm catching up, but having been out of exercise for so long, that's gonna happen anyway. And, I am proud to say that, despite having been a "has-been" for a year officially now, I have finally been able to work out as a non-athlete on a regular basis! That's an unfortunate transition, let me say: going from daily workouts with my best buds playing the game I love to being sedentary to having to go to the gym and work out with my music. Anyway...
The rest of the weekend, I got to spend some incredible time with my teammates back at Wheaton. ALL of the girls in my class and the class above me from my team were back, which is probably very rare, so that was such a blessing! There were 7 in my class at points, and there were 3 in the class above me, and we are all over the nation--literally--so it was the coolest thing that everyone made it back. We had brunch with my teammates who are still at Wheaton, so there were like 20 of us in a college apartment living room, and we had a great time. Saturday we went to the football game, and I was reminded of why the cold and I are not tight. It was in the upper 30s and the sun didn't come out for the game at all. But, don't worry, it came out literally 30 minutes after the game ended. Awesome. That night, 3 teammates and I went to the Taylor Swift concert in Chicago, so that was fun, too!
As much as I hate the cold, Chicago is really an awesome city! Additionally, I realized that I miss Fall! Again, I LOVE it here, but it's so weird that there are no seasons! I got to stay with the Armstrongs, and they had a "Smokefest" that I heartily enjoyed, so it was a stellar weekend on every front! The rest of my weekend was filled with meals catching up with people, and all of that made for an amazing trip back to Wheaton. I was absolutely reminded of the caliber and depth of relationships I was blessed with at Wheaton, and I left even more grateful for God having brought me there than before.
I went back home for around 5 days, and that was great, too. I love spending time with my family, and a few friends of mine and my cousin from Baylor all came home, so I got to see great people and have some more quality family bonding at home. I headed back to Honolulu mid-October, and we just finished our third week of this second quarter today. Two weeks from tonight, Madelyn and one of her friends will be arriving to hang out over Thanksgiving break, so I'm definitely looking forward to that!
As for things in Hawaii, they are good. I guess with school, I'd love prayers that God would use me and give me wisdom with knowing what to say and how to love each of these kids. As I mentioned before, there is such a need at HBA, and I think it's really set in that this really is a battle. My students are great, but that's not enough if they're not surrendering to Him, and that's a reality that adds some expediency to my teaching since I only have 6 more weeks with my juniors and seniors before I start over and get a new group next semester. As I've mentioned, time flies, so in spite of that, I want to make sure I'm pouring in while I can! The picture below is one my mom had to take of me on my first day of school...teacher-style. :)
Outside of school, things are going well--tomorrow I'm walking down to Waikiki, so I'm excited for that! I've been going to a good church in Kailua, which is a more residential area on the "windward side" (northeast area), and after church, I've been going to my favorite beach up there called Lanikai. The sand there literally feels like you are walking on flour! I love it--sometimes I grade papers there, and it's a great place and time to call friends and family and catch up. Below is Lanikai beach!
To wrap this up for the night, as I begin the process of walking back through last year and all the craziness that was my senior year of college, I have to thank all of you, once again, for your prayers, faithful friendship, and encouraging words to me and my family. God knew exactly what I needed, and He absolutely provided me with an INCREDIBLE body of support, reminding me that we are called to fellowship and bearing one another's burdens in Him! I pray that you, in turn, are so blessed and know his faithfulness as well. Thankyou thankyou thankyou from the bottom of my heart--there aren't words to express my gratitude at the support from people I barely even know! What a year...
I'll try to update more frequently these days, but know that you are so appreciated!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Monday, September 7, 2009
"But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for He has been good to me." --Psalm 13:5-6
Wow. Once again, it's been WAY too long. I've been meaning to update for a few weeks now, but things have been crazy, and time is FLYING. Literally. Ok, not literally, but it's gone by quickly.
Friday concluded our fifth week of school at Hawaii Baptist Academy (see what I mean about time flying?!?). We are now only 3 weeks away from Fall Break, which means 3 weeks until I get to see my family and friends back on the mainland. Don't get me wrong--things in Hawaii have been awesome, but it's definitely far from those I love and miss (but more on that later).
SO, what HAS been going on over the past 5 or so weeks since I last posted? Since some of it is just the routine of day-in-day-out school, I won't give a full timeline, but I'll go over a few highlights at least (chronologically, of course). The last week of July was teacher inservice, and it was then that I got a good feel for what I was getting myself into. I honestly didn't know what to expect; would there be mostly older teachers? Mostly Hawaiians? Would I be the resident giant? Was I going to stick out like a Texan in Chicago winters? I arrived and saw that, on the contrary, I was not alone. Of the new high school faculty, there are actually two women taller than me, and there are 6 of us all together. Additionally, there is a good group of around 9 or 10 of us that are under 26, so that's been really cool, too!
Inservice was a lot of learning rules and prcedures, and at the end of the week, my family flew back from Kauai to Dallas through Honolulu, so I got to quickly show my dad and sisters my apartment on their respective layovers. My mom stayed for the next week (the first week of school), and once again, she was SUCH a blessing. She ran errands for me, continued to get me situated in my apartment, helped fix up my classroom, and actually dropped me off each day of the first week, which was cute and made me feel nostalgic for my pre-driving high school days.
Once she left, it was pretty quiet; I had gone from being in Maui with my family, my girl cousins, and Madelyn's volleyball team with LOTS of noise to living alone. It took a little adjusting, but it's probably been good that I don't have a roommate for now. They say that the first year of teaching is the hardest (and, now that I think about it, they say that about the first of everything), and it's definitely been a TON of work--at least so far. BUT, I think that I'm aided by my lack of spouse, children, or roommate. I definitely leave school and still work anywhere from 2-5 hours a night at home (which is a lot when I came from having one class last semester and being a total bum), but I think the fact that there's no one I'm ignoring while I do said "home"work probably makes my first year a little easier.
So, let's talk about school: I have 3 Communication Skills classes, 2 9th grade English classes, and 1 middle school "Flex" class where I alternate monitoring a study hall and "Silent Sustained Reading" each day. I also have 1 planning period on the block, so all of that pans out to make for busy days. We have all 7 classes on Monday, Thursday, and Friday, and on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, we have half of the classes in extended periods. Basically, in case that was confusing, I get through each day and think, "WOW! Another day gone by!" Maybe it's because I have so much planning to do, but the days FLY by. I remember thinking that the days would never end when I was IN high school. Granted, I'm probably actively thinking and being involved at most points of the school day now, whereas in high school, I'm guessing it didn't help that I sat and listened passively most of the time.
I really like my students--they're all pretty different, and each class has its own feel. My freshmen classes definitely take more classroom management--I have to actually tell students to sit down in their seats multiple times per class (as if, by the age of 14, they don't know they're supposed to actually sit in the desks provided in orderly rows). My juniors and seniors in the Comm Skills classes know how to behave for the most part, so they take less maintenance, but at the same time, sometimes they tune me out as if they already know everything they should, while the freshmen drink in the times that I share. The freshmen are FULL of personality...and prying. They started guessing my age, and it went from 27 down to 20 (at which guess I pointed out that, if I was 20, I would still be in college). When I explained the "no-cell-phone" policy of our class and mentioned that we, too, had tried to be sneaky with phones in high school, one of my students expressed surprise and said, "you had a CELL PHONE in high school?!?" I was thinking, "um...cell phones have been around for a while. How OLD do you think I AM?!?"
So, it's been good. I guess something that I'd love prayer for is the ministry side of teaching. It's definitely cool that HBA is very legitimate spiritually and that the leadership is genuinely guiding the school in a godly direction. And it's also neat that 1/2 of the students are not believers--so I have ALL the freedom to share my faith; in fact, they encourage that. But, at the same time, some of the students are not only not believers, but they have expressed that they want little or nothing to do with faith. So, prayers for wisdom and discernment with how to lead and minister to them would be great.
As for me, I'm definitely enjoying living here! Last weekend, I was walking around Waikiki and saw the UCLA women's volleyball team eating lunch, then I watched some men qualify for the US Open in beach volleyball, and finally, I got to surf at Waikiki. Yes, I got up every time (but it wasn't my first time trying). While Waikiki is a little touristy and probably cliche, it's still really cool to say I surfed where so many famous people made it happen! This long weekend was also fun--I hung out with some friends of one of the guys I teach with, and then today (Labor Day), I walked to 24 hour fitness to workout, and from there, I walked down to Waikiki and shopped a little, got in the water, and then continued strolling along. Despite the business and non-excitement of the school week, I am trying to make the weekends count.
Living here has been good, but it definitely feels far away. There is currently a 5-hour time difference (we don't do Daylight Savings, so in a month or so, it'll only be a 4-hour time difference!) from home, and that makes people seem like they're in a different world sometimes. For instance, school ends at 2:45; even if I leave by about 3:30, it's already 8:30pm at home. By about 8pm here, I think it sets in each night that I'm far away because at that point, pretty much everyone I know--even my less time-conscious friends in college--are probably sleeping. So that's weird, but it's still been good here. It's also different to just pick up and leave all of my friends and teammates at Wheaton and my family--who were SO instrumental in helping me over the past year--so that's been different.
The last thing you are probably wondering about is how I am doing health-wise. I am doing well! I still don't have all of my stamina back--I saw that last weekend when I surfed and almost cried when I had to swim back forever and had no more energy--but it's definitely coming. I'm working out with another teacher (we are taking a Zumba class!), and I'm enjoying being able to be active. I still have to sleep a fair amount. Because I have to get up around 6 to 6:15am each morning, I'm able to get around 7 1/2 hours of sleep, and I get home each day fully exhausted. BUT, PTL that I'm able to do this and teach each day! That is seriously such a praise! My hair is growing back...still slowwwwly, but it's coming. It'll be a while until I go wig-less, and that's actually been frustrating. I don't know if I shared in my last blog, but that's been something I didn't foresee--how long things would take. I think after the fact, this has been a harder ordeal than when I was actually going through chemo, which sounds crazy.
My mom and I were talking about this before she left, but I think during everything, we were just so focused on getting through it that we DID get through it--PTL! For me, it's been after-the-fact that I've had more thoughts of "what was the point of that?" and wondering what to DO with the past year in my life. For my mom, it's been after-the-fact that all the events of the past year have really set in--and she said there was a moment where she just started remembering everything and started crying, exhausted over all that has happened.
I've told a few friends that it's hard to figure out what to do with the past year in a sense of, how do I still remember all the things God DID while still moving on and living life? I don't want to be that person who always sits back and says, "wellllll...when I had CANCER...," but I also don't want to just move on and forget what just happened; it's been significant enough that I KNOW God had a purpose in that, and I know it's impacted my life, but I just can't tell you HOW necessarily. I'll use the analogy of times I've gone on mission trips--yes, people talk about spiritual highs, and that probably sounds like old news--but more than a spiritual high, I think sometimes it's so hard to come home because you've SEEN things and experienced the world, suffering, joy, and God in a way that it's hard to come home and reconcile that with your everyday world--your perspective is changed. So, in line with that, for me, I feel like I've been somewhere and really seen all the ways God worked, and all of that was such a surreal experience that DEFINITELY has impacted my life. That has made it hard for me to just jump back in to a routine and move on as if life is right back to normal--because I guess it's NOT back to normal to me. Like with the mission trips when I came home and it was hard to frame the world I had seen in with my own everyday world, I am happy to go back to normal, but at the same time, my perspective has been changed and so much has happened that it somehow won't quite be normal.
And that's probably confusing and just my musing, but that's a little of where I'm at. What to do with the last year? I guess one thing that was a blessing was getting an email from a girl who was just diagnosed with Hodgkins and starting the same cycles, and she said she had read through my blogs. She said it was good to understand somewhat of what the next 7 or so months will hold, and that was a blessing to me as I felt like God was using me, still, despite the fact that life is back to "normal" (whatever that is?!?). You could be praying for her, actually--her name is Whitney King.
So, it's getting time for me to turn in so that I can teach my little students effectively in the morning. Basically, I am doing well--trying to process. I know that God is good and has a purpose for everything. I think I'm struggling with trusting where He'll lead me since I'm a little afraid that, if I've "been there done that" with cancer, I'm hoping He won't lead me somewhere else like that again. I'd love prayers to rest in Him as I process and try to move on while still remembering all the awesome things God taught me and incredible people He blessed me with. I'd also cherish your prayers for wisdom in teaching these kids--that they wouldn't learn just about speaking, but that they would really and genuinely see God.
Ok, I'm tired, and if you are still with me, you've GOT to be, too. :) God bless each of you, and have an incredible (and shorter!) week! Thankyou thankyou thankyou for your continued support and prayers--I am STILL so blown away by people who ask and check up on me. That makes me remember that, though far away, I am definitely NOT lonely!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
Friday concluded our fifth week of school at Hawaii Baptist Academy (see what I mean about time flying?!?). We are now only 3 weeks away from Fall Break, which means 3 weeks until I get to see my family and friends back on the mainland. Don't get me wrong--things in Hawaii have been awesome, but it's definitely far from those I love and miss (but more on that later).
SO, what HAS been going on over the past 5 or so weeks since I last posted? Since some of it is just the routine of day-in-day-out school, I won't give a full timeline, but I'll go over a few highlights at least (chronologically, of course). The last week of July was teacher inservice, and it was then that I got a good feel for what I was getting myself into. I honestly didn't know what to expect; would there be mostly older teachers? Mostly Hawaiians? Would I be the resident giant? Was I going to stick out like a Texan in Chicago winters? I arrived and saw that, on the contrary, I was not alone. Of the new high school faculty, there are actually two women taller than me, and there are 6 of us all together. Additionally, there is a good group of around 9 or 10 of us that are under 26, so that's been really cool, too!
Inservice was a lot of learning rules and prcedures, and at the end of the week, my family flew back from Kauai to Dallas through Honolulu, so I got to quickly show my dad and sisters my apartment on their respective layovers. My mom stayed for the next week (the first week of school), and once again, she was SUCH a blessing. She ran errands for me, continued to get me situated in my apartment, helped fix up my classroom, and actually dropped me off each day of the first week, which was cute and made me feel nostalgic for my pre-driving high school days.
Once she left, it was pretty quiet; I had gone from being in Maui with my family, my girl cousins, and Madelyn's volleyball team with LOTS of noise to living alone. It took a little adjusting, but it's probably been good that I don't have a roommate for now. They say that the first year of teaching is the hardest (and, now that I think about it, they say that about the first of everything), and it's definitely been a TON of work--at least so far. BUT, I think that I'm aided by my lack of spouse, children, or roommate. I definitely leave school and still work anywhere from 2-5 hours a night at home (which is a lot when I came from having one class last semester and being a total bum), but I think the fact that there's no one I'm ignoring while I do said "home"work probably makes my first year a little easier.
So, let's talk about school: I have 3 Communication Skills classes, 2 9th grade English classes, and 1 middle school "Flex" class where I alternate monitoring a study hall and "Silent Sustained Reading" each day. I also have 1 planning period on the block, so all of that pans out to make for busy days. We have all 7 classes on Monday, Thursday, and Friday, and on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, we have half of the classes in extended periods. Basically, in case that was confusing, I get through each day and think, "WOW! Another day gone by!" Maybe it's because I have so much planning to do, but the days FLY by. I remember thinking that the days would never end when I was IN high school. Granted, I'm probably actively thinking and being involved at most points of the school day now, whereas in high school, I'm guessing it didn't help that I sat and listened passively most of the time.
I really like my students--they're all pretty different, and each class has its own feel. My freshmen classes definitely take more classroom management--I have to actually tell students to sit down in their seats multiple times per class (as if, by the age of 14, they don't know they're supposed to actually sit in the desks provided in orderly rows). My juniors and seniors in the Comm Skills classes know how to behave for the most part, so they take less maintenance, but at the same time, sometimes they tune me out as if they already know everything they should, while the freshmen drink in the times that I share. The freshmen are FULL of personality...and prying. They started guessing my age, and it went from 27 down to 20 (at which guess I pointed out that, if I was 20, I would still be in college). When I explained the "no-cell-phone" policy of our class and mentioned that we, too, had tried to be sneaky with phones in high school, one of my students expressed surprise and said, "you had a CELL PHONE in high school?!?" I was thinking, "um...cell phones have been around for a while. How OLD do you think I AM?!?"
So, it's been good. I guess something that I'd love prayer for is the ministry side of teaching. It's definitely cool that HBA is very legitimate spiritually and that the leadership is genuinely guiding the school in a godly direction. And it's also neat that 1/2 of the students are not believers--so I have ALL the freedom to share my faith; in fact, they encourage that. But, at the same time, some of the students are not only not believers, but they have expressed that they want little or nothing to do with faith. So, prayers for wisdom and discernment with how to lead and minister to them would be great.
As for me, I'm definitely enjoying living here! Last weekend, I was walking around Waikiki and saw the UCLA women's volleyball team eating lunch, then I watched some men qualify for the US Open in beach volleyball, and finally, I got to surf at Waikiki. Yes, I got up every time (but it wasn't my first time trying). While Waikiki is a little touristy and probably cliche, it's still really cool to say I surfed where so many famous people made it happen! This long weekend was also fun--I hung out with some friends of one of the guys I teach with, and then today (Labor Day), I walked to 24 hour fitness to workout, and from there, I walked down to Waikiki and shopped a little, got in the water, and then continued strolling along. Despite the business and non-excitement of the school week, I am trying to make the weekends count.
Living here has been good, but it definitely feels far away. There is currently a 5-hour time difference (we don't do Daylight Savings, so in a month or so, it'll only be a 4-hour time difference!) from home, and that makes people seem like they're in a different world sometimes. For instance, school ends at 2:45; even if I leave by about 3:30, it's already 8:30pm at home. By about 8pm here, I think it sets in each night that I'm far away because at that point, pretty much everyone I know--even my less time-conscious friends in college--are probably sleeping. So that's weird, but it's still been good here. It's also different to just pick up and leave all of my friends and teammates at Wheaton and my family--who were SO instrumental in helping me over the past year--so that's been different.
The last thing you are probably wondering about is how I am doing health-wise. I am doing well! I still don't have all of my stamina back--I saw that last weekend when I surfed and almost cried when I had to swim back forever and had no more energy--but it's definitely coming. I'm working out with another teacher (we are taking a Zumba class!), and I'm enjoying being able to be active. I still have to sleep a fair amount. Because I have to get up around 6 to 6:15am each morning, I'm able to get around 7 1/2 hours of sleep, and I get home each day fully exhausted. BUT, PTL that I'm able to do this and teach each day! That is seriously such a praise! My hair is growing back...still slowwwwly, but it's coming. It'll be a while until I go wig-less, and that's actually been frustrating. I don't know if I shared in my last blog, but that's been something I didn't foresee--how long things would take. I think after the fact, this has been a harder ordeal than when I was actually going through chemo, which sounds crazy.
My mom and I were talking about this before she left, but I think during everything, we were just so focused on getting through it that we DID get through it--PTL! For me, it's been after-the-fact that I've had more thoughts of "what was the point of that?" and wondering what to DO with the past year in my life. For my mom, it's been after-the-fact that all the events of the past year have really set in--and she said there was a moment where she just started remembering everything and started crying, exhausted over all that has happened.
I've told a few friends that it's hard to figure out what to do with the past year in a sense of, how do I still remember all the things God DID while still moving on and living life? I don't want to be that person who always sits back and says, "wellllll...when I had CANCER...," but I also don't want to just move on and forget what just happened; it's been significant enough that I KNOW God had a purpose in that, and I know it's impacted my life, but I just can't tell you HOW necessarily. I'll use the analogy of times I've gone on mission trips--yes, people talk about spiritual highs, and that probably sounds like old news--but more than a spiritual high, I think sometimes it's so hard to come home because you've SEEN things and experienced the world, suffering, joy, and God in a way that it's hard to come home and reconcile that with your everyday world--your perspective is changed. So, in line with that, for me, I feel like I've been somewhere and really seen all the ways God worked, and all of that was such a surreal experience that DEFINITELY has impacted my life. That has made it hard for me to just jump back in to a routine and move on as if life is right back to normal--because I guess it's NOT back to normal to me. Like with the mission trips when I came home and it was hard to frame the world I had seen in with my own everyday world, I am happy to go back to normal, but at the same time, my perspective has been changed and so much has happened that it somehow won't quite be normal.
And that's probably confusing and just my musing, but that's a little of where I'm at. What to do with the last year? I guess one thing that was a blessing was getting an email from a girl who was just diagnosed with Hodgkins and starting the same cycles, and she said she had read through my blogs. She said it was good to understand somewhat of what the next 7 or so months will hold, and that was a blessing to me as I felt like God was using me, still, despite the fact that life is back to "normal" (whatever that is?!?). You could be praying for her, actually--her name is Whitney King.
So, it's getting time for me to turn in so that I can teach my little students effectively in the morning. Basically, I am doing well--trying to process. I know that God is good and has a purpose for everything. I think I'm struggling with trusting where He'll lead me since I'm a little afraid that, if I've "been there done that" with cancer, I'm hoping He won't lead me somewhere else like that again. I'd love prayers to rest in Him as I process and try to move on while still remembering all the awesome things God taught me and incredible people He blessed me with. I'd also cherish your prayers for wisdom in teaching these kids--that they wouldn't learn just about speaking, but that they would really and genuinely see God.
Ok, I'm tired, and if you are still with me, you've GOT to be, too. :) God bless each of you, and have an incredible (and shorter!) week! Thankyou thankyou thankyou for your continued support and prayers--I am STILL so blown away by people who ask and check up on me. That makes me remember that, though far away, I am definitely NOT lonely!
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah
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